Bono shocked to learn the Lithuanian shopping centre he invested in was a bit dodgy

John Shafthauer

This week, folks were surprised to learn that many of the richest people are avoiding paying tax. Although obviously, by ‘surprised’ I mean ‘not surprised at all and really fucking angry’. With the only person who’s actually claiming shock being Bono.

Rock and roll

Bono explained his innocence on MTV (if MTV is still even a thing?):

Look, I know it looks weird that I’m an investor in a Lithuanian shopping centre. But it isn’t. Okay?

This is standard rock and roll stuff. It’s where the saying ‘sex, drugs, east-European infrastructure, and rock and roll’ comes from.

I ended up getting into it after a three-day investment bender I went on with Sting and Bob Geldof. It was wild! Sting ended up becoming a majority shareholder in an Albanian pork rendering plant: Geldof bought a minority stake in the Transylvanian power grid.

It was a real legendary session. I could feel the ghosts of Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison there with us.

Stuck in a moment

Of course, the real victims of the Paradise Papers are all the innocent multi-millionaires who simply had no idea what their money was doing. The wealthy men and women who handed their finances to some sleazy accountant or other and said:

Here you go. Turn this money into a shit-load more money, please – no questions asked. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

The poor fuckers.

Well, not ‘poor’, obviously. As there’s still no danger of them suffering financially.

Just ‘rich’ fuckers basically.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via Pixabay

We need your help ...

The coronavirus pandemic is changing our world, fast. And we will do all we can to keep bringing you news and analysis throughout. But we are worried about maintaining enough income to pay our staff and minimal overheads.

Now, more than ever, we need a vibrant, independent media that holds the government to account and calls it out when it puts vested economic interests above human lives. We need a media that shows solidarity with the people most affected by the crisis – and one that can help to build a world based on collaboration and compassion.

We have been fighting against an establishment that is trying to shut us down. And like most independent media, we don’t have the deep pockets of investors to call on to bail us out.

Can you help by chipping in a few pounds each month?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed