Tories on horseback are set to assist police in the removal of homeless people from city centres

Hunting the homeless OTP
Support us and go ad-free

In the wake of another startling rise in the number of rough sleepers, the government has announced that Conservative Party members will be assisting the police with the removal of homeless people from city centres.

RELEASE THE HOUNDS!

Any Tory with hunt experience has been instructed to saddle up and get ready to ‘release the hounds’. But the move will prove controversial, as the dogs involved will require costly training to be ready to bay for human blood.

Announcing the policy, Secretary of State for the Clearing of the Underclass, No-Good’uns, and Tramps (The Canary has chosen not to print the acronym), Lord Flashheart of Killemoff said:

Many of us were born into hunting, so it seems like only a natural progression that we assist police in clearing the homeless vermin from city centres. The homeless population needs controlling, and hunting with hounds is the fastest and least cruel method. Shooting could always injure rather than kill, and snares are indiscriminate. Old or ill homeless people are more likely to target easy prey for cash, like liberal students. But in turn, they are the most likely to be caught by hounds.

Tally-ho!

Off The Perch spoke to one young Tory, Tarquin Snortalot. And we put it to him that some people, and also possibly readers of The Guardian, may be outraged by the thought of hunting homeless people:

People don’t understand that homeless people are pests. There’s been a lot of argument that homeless-hunting is cruel, but it depends on your definition of cruelty. Shooting a rough sleeper can leave it in pain and distress, but when the hounds get it, it’s dead pretty quickly.

More cereal cafes, please

The hunts are going to begin in the London Borough of Newham, where one in 25 people are now homeless. It is hoped that by clearing the rough sleepers from city centres, businesses like breakfast cereal cafes and yoghurt knitting shops will be encouraged to move in.

Read on...

Support us and go ad-free

But with conservative estimates now putting the number of homeless people in England at nearly 300,000, the Tories will have their work cut out. Meanwhile, foxes everywhere are breathing a sigh of relief.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via Pexels/Pixabay

Support us and go ad-free

We need your help to keep speaking the truth

Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.

Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.

We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.

In return, you get:

* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop

Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.

With your help we can continue:

* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do

We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed