Star Wars Battlefront II players are selling their parents on Ebay to try and unlock Darth Vader

Star Wars OTP
Steve Topple

Video game company EA has just released its latest game in the Star Wars Battlefront series. But the newest addition to the franchise has sparked controversy, after it emerged young players were being forced to sell their parents on Ebay in an attempt to get enough credits to unlock the game’s characters.

It’s only a kidney!

Star Wars Battlefront II hit the shops on 14 November, for a cool £49.99. But players were dismayed to find the game contained an algorithm which meant every time you logged on via your Xbox One, it required you to hand over 30 pieces of silver to pick up where you left off.

This was not, however, the end of EA’s inbuilt charges. For example, if players wish to explore the post-Return of the Jedi Star Wars universe in a TIE fighter, the game requires them to put down a kidney or other vital organ as a security deposit. In fairness to EA, the process is made easy by an inbuilt microtransaction with a Nigerian doctor called Frank.

You simply scan either your left or right kidney via the game’s built in MRI function. Send the details plus your blood group and a 10 Naira deposit via Western Union and Bob’s your Uncle. You’re free to fly Iden Versio around the galaxy to your heart’s content. Unless it’s your heart that’s the security deposit, obviously.

And while most players were happy with this, the amount of credits needed to unlock the Darth Vader, Luke Skywalker and Kylo Ren characters has caused uproar.

One mother or two?

With half-decent characters originally priced at 60,000 credits, EA suggested young players could put their entire school class up for sale on Ebay. It provided a template where you can list the sewing machine abilities, sleep, food and fluid intake requirements and socioeconomic statuses of your fellow classmates for various EA-approved sweatshops in Vietnam.

But players are angry. One told Off The Perch:

This is all very well, but EA obviously haven’t thought this through properly. Look, I don’t give a shit about selling off my school mates, but that opens up another problem: if they’re all gone, who am I supposed to play with in 40-player Galactic Assault mode?

So EA backtracked, and slashed prices by up to 75%. This means that you now only have to sell your parents to unlock Star Wars‘ most famed characters:

  • Darth Vader: one mother or two step-relatives (whichever is the greater).
  • Kylo Ren: one father or two step-relatives and six pet hamsters.
  • Luke Skywalker: both parents or the Albanian family from across the street.

Star Wars Battlefront II marks a welcome return to raking in the cash for EA. But the result is that parents everywhere are now looking nervously at the children’s Christmas lists. The Bank of Mum and Dad could be be pretty overdrawn by January.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via Pexels

We need your help ...

The coronavirus pandemic is changing our world, fast. And we will do all we can to keep bringing you news and analysis throughout. But we are worried about maintaining enough income to pay our staff and minimal overheads.

Now, more than ever, we need a vibrant, independent media that holds the government to account and calls it out when it puts vested economic interests above human lives. We need a media that shows solidarity with the people most affected by the crisis – and one that can help to build a world based on collaboration and compassion.

We have been fighting against an establishment that is trying to shut us down. And like most independent media, we don’t have the deep pockets of investors to call on to bail us out.

Can you help by chipping in a few pounds each month?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed

Steve Topple