Star Wars Battlefront II players are selling their parents on Ebay to try and unlock Darth Vader

Star Wars OTP

Video game company EA has just released its latest game in the Star Wars Battlefront series. But the newest addition to the franchise has sparked controversy, after it emerged young players were being forced to sell their parents on Ebay in an attempt to get enough credits to unlock the game’s characters.

It’s only a kidney!

Star Wars Battlefront II hit the shops on 14 November, for a cool £49.99. But players were dismayed to find the game contained an algorithm which meant every time you logged on via your Xbox One, it required you to hand over 30 pieces of silver to pick up where you left off.

This was not, however, the end of EA’s inbuilt charges. For example, if players wish to explore the post-Return of the Jedi Star Wars universe in a TIE fighter, the game requires them to put down a kidney or other vital organ as a security deposit. In fairness to EA, the process is made easy by an inbuilt microtransaction with a Nigerian doctor called Frank.

You simply scan either your left or right kidney via the game’s built in MRI function. Send the details plus your blood group and a 10 Naira deposit via Western Union and Bob’s your Uncle. You’re free to fly Iden Versio around the galaxy to your heart’s content. Unless it’s your heart that’s the security deposit, obviously.

And while most players were happy with this, the amount of credits needed to unlock the Darth Vader, Luke Skywalker and Kylo Ren characters has caused uproar.

One mother or two?

With half-decent characters originally priced at 60,000 credits, EA suggested young players could put their entire school class up for sale on Ebay. It provided a template where you can list the sewing machine abilities, sleep, food and fluid intake requirements and socioeconomic statuses of your fellow classmates for various EA-approved sweatshops in Vietnam.

But players are angry. One told Off The Perch:

Read on...

This is all very well, but EA obviously haven’t thought this through properly. Look, I don’t give a shit about selling off my school mates, but that opens up another problem: if they’re all gone, who am I supposed to play with in 40-player Galactic Assault mode?

So EA backtracked, and slashed prices by up to 75%. This means that you now only have to sell your parents to unlock Star Wars‘ most famed characters:

  • Darth Vader: one mother or two step-relatives (whichever is the greater).
  • Kylo Ren: one father or two step-relatives and six pet hamsters.
  • Luke Skywalker: both parents or the Albanian family from across the street.

Star Wars Battlefront II marks a welcome return to raking in the cash for EA. But the result is that parents everywhere are now looking nervously at the children’s Christmas lists. The Bank of Mum and Dad could be be pretty overdrawn by January.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via Pexels

We need your help to keep speaking the truth

Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.

Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.

We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.

In return, you get:

* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop

Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.

With your help we can continue:

* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do

We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed