Animals ‘lack sentience’, claim beasts who lack conscience

Animals lack sentience, claim beasts who lack conscience
John Shafthauer

Although it’s acknowledged by science that animals possess sentience, the Tories are choosing to deny this. Much like how they deny the unpopularity of Jacob Rees-Mogg. Or, for that matter, pretty much any other science.

How can they be so beastly, though? We spoke to a biologist to find out.

Science 

Doctor Doolittle told us:

We know that animals possess sentience. They’re also capable of feeling pain and emotion. But there are lots of things animals don’t have.

Porcupines, for example, have no sense of humour. And killer whales are incapable of feeling pensive.

Perhaps the most surprising mental omission in the animal kingdom, though, is the Tory big beast – a creature which lacks the capacity to feel guilt.

Most human beings, when confronted with the sight of a fox being torn to shreds by dogs, would feel sick. If you look at the brain of a Tory MP, though, you’ll see the areas that light up are those associated with joy, humour, and arousal.

Of course, I’m not saying that all Tories are malevolent, murder perverts. But the science is certainly saying that. Just look at their voting records.

List

There is some good news for the nation’s animals, however. Because the WWF has added an animal to its endangered species list:

POPULAR TORY MPS WHO WILL DEFINITELY BE RE-ELECTED IN THE NEXT ELECTION – STATUS: CRITICAL

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via Wikimedia

We need your help ...

The coronavirus pandemic is changing our world, fast. And we will do all we can to keep bringing you news and analysis throughout. But we are worried about maintaining enough income to pay our staff and minimal overheads.

Now, more than ever, we need a vibrant, independent media that holds the government to account and calls it out when it puts vested economic interests above human lives. We need a media that shows solidarity with the people most affected by the crisis – and one that can help to build a world based on collaboration and compassion.

We have been fighting against an establishment that is trying to shut us down. And like most independent media, we don’t have the deep pockets of investors to call on to bail us out.

Can you help by chipping in a few pounds each month?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed

John Shafthauer