Find out if you’re a winner with the Off The Perch Budget calculator!

Budget Calculator OTP
John Ranson

It’s sometimes hard to tell how the Budget will affect you. So Off The Perch has come up with this handy method that will calculate if you’re a Budget Winner or a Budget Loser. Simply answer the questions about everyday situations and follow the instructions. Good luck!


You fancy looking round your garden. Do you:

Open the curtains and water the begonias (1 point)

Stick the kettle on – it should be nearly boiled by the time you get back (2 points)

Call your livery man and have him harness the hacking carriage and pack a hamper (5 points)


Your last bank statement:

Was overdrawn (1 point)

Was online – you’ve turned off paper billing to save the planet (2 points)

Came by airmail and the stamp had a palm tree on it (5 points)


You’re going to a food bank today:

Because whether you have to wait six weeks or 31 days, Universal Credit is still failing you (1 point)

To help out, because although you’d never be stupid enough to call it “rather uplifting”, you know it’s good to do what you can (2 points)

To offer them a load of pheasants that you shot but can’t sell, because even though they’re riddled with dangerous levels of lead you think it’ll make you look generous (5 points)


For your last holiday:

You went to Butlins in 1984 and danced to Agadoo non-stop for six days (1 point)

You went to Rimini last year and danced to generic Euro beats (2 points)

Everyone came to you. The sport was marvellous, the sommelier fetched up several bottles that Father had laid down and you danced to a string quartet that came down from London at your invitation (5 points)


At the last election you voted:

Labour (1 point)

Labour (2 points)

You don’t vote, you just buy a table with a senior minister on it at the Black and White Ball (5 points)


Now have your butler tot up the total number of points you’ve scored.


If your butler says: “Jolly good Sir (or Madam, but probably Sir). You appear to have scored twenty five points. Most fitting if I may say so”, you’re a Budget Winner. Congratulations.

If you don’t have a butler, then bad luck but you’re probably a Budget Loser. Still, tighten your belt, do the right thing. Maybe you’re young enough to qualify for some really expensive train travel (as opposed to completely unaffordable).

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via Flickr / Wikimedia

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John Ranson