Philip Hammond announces a tax on ideas after the Conservative Party completely runs out of them

Philip Hammond Budget OTP
Steve Topple

Philip Hammond made a last-minute addition to his 2017 autumn budget in the early hours of Thursday 23 November. Making the announcement via his Snapchat, he revealed that the government will be launching an “ideas tax”, in an attempt to claw back the comprehensible thought that the Conservative Party has reportedly run out of.

Hubble bubble…

Senior Conservative Party sources told Spiv Weekly that the Chancellor had come to the decision after nine pints of the special “concoction” he was seen supping with Theresa May just after Prime Minister’s Questions on Wednesday 22 November.

During a meandering speech in the Commons’ Strangers’ Bar, Hammond reportedly said – between slugs on a pint glass full of Laphroaig Single Malt:

Look, right.

I kno… I know that the saynayers… naysayers will be concerned that the budget seemed like we’d… well… kind of… written it on the back of a bloody fag packet on Tuesday night. And they wouldn’t be far. Bloody. Wrong! [to assembled guffaws] After ALL, we all know how Jacob likes to tug on a Cut Navy Player of a weekend…! [more guffaws]

The things is, chaps – we’re a teeeensy bit out of fucking steam, here. Tess, God bloody love the woman, is floundering like Dugdale in a tushbucker trial. Sshhe… sshee… can barely budget for Larry the fucking CAT, let alone Brexshit [louder guffaws and some groans]

By Jove, he’s got it!

After a swift pull on a rather large Cuban and then double dropping several of May’s ‘cough sweets’, Hammond revealed:

But then it came to me! Jush because WE’RE all out of bloody ideas doesn’t mean the rest of the bloody country is! SO… I intend to impose an immediate Ideas Tax. Flat rate. No fucking messing around. 70% for anyone who comes up with something more leg… ledge… ledgibala… that makes more sense than we bloody well can. [collective hurrahs]

And heeere’s the money shot. The fuckers in this country will be so bloody scared of paying a bit more tax towards nonsense like the HNS… NHS… that they’ll STOP coming up with ideas! Huzzah! That should buy us enough time to pilfer some more of Labour’s before the schpring. [louder hurrahs]

Anyways, if someone can get this out on my Chatsnap bloody pronto, I’m done for the fucking day! Onward and bloody upward! Here’sh to the nesht five years! [collective ‘yahs, hurrahs and a groan from Boris Johnson]

Do not go gentle into that good night

Spiv Weekly reported that Hammond was last seen lolloping towards Pleasuredome Sauna near Waterloo with a Welsh intern called Findlay. As for the Ideas Tax, a senior Tory source told Off The Perch:

It’ll probably go the same way as Kezia Dugdale’s career has. Straight down the shitter.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via YouTube

We need your help ...

The coronavirus pandemic is changing our world, fast. And we will do all we can to keep bringing you news and analysis throughout. But we are worried about maintaining enough income to pay our staff and minimal overheads.

Now, more than ever, we need a vibrant, independent media that holds the government to account and calls it out when it puts vested economic interests above human lives. We need a media that shows solidarity with the people most affected by the crisis – and one that can help to build a world based on collaboration and compassion.

We have been fighting against an establishment that is trying to shut us down. And like most independent media, we don’t have the deep pockets of investors to call on to bail us out.

Can you help by chipping in a few pounds each month?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed

Steve Topple