Tory industrial strategy will see Maybot getting £1bn Windows XP installation

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Many scientists and innovators are worried about post-Brexit Britain. The exception being James Dyson, of course, who is a firm believer that innovation is reliant on entrepreneurs like himself having access to a limitless supply of overworked and underpaid factory serfs.

Although the Tories agree with Dyson, they have to make it look like they support non-slave-labour in the meantime. As such, they’ve announced a new industrial strategy. But further scrutiny has revealed this strategy is not all it seems.


According to leaked figures, the lion’s share of the new allocation will be spent on upgrading the Maybot’s operating system. One of the PM’s technicians told us:

It’s about time, really. When we first devised the idea of a robotic Prime Minister, we envisioned a machine that could process over 7 million decisions a second. The robot we ended up with can’t even make decisions.

We covered up for this by having the robot mindlessly chant, ‘I’m being very clear’ at every given opportunity. People eventually noticed she wasn’t being clear though. She was barely even translucent.

We asked what operating system the Maybot was currently running:

None. The entire machine is run by two hamsters on a wheel. Which is – to be fair – 5 times as much operating power as David Cameron had.

Read on...

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British Powerhouse

If you want to see another Tory industrial strategy in action, just look at the Northern Powerhouse.

Oh – except you can’t – because it doesn’t fucking exist.

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