And what a week it was!
A week in which Damian Green was accused of being a workplace wanker! A week in which David Davis threatened to resign if Green was punished for his alleged and incessant slef-pleasuring! And a week in which other politicians stopped shaking hands with the pair!
But what else happened?
Let’s look back and see.
Tory industrial strategy will see Maybot getting £1bn Windows XP installation
Many scientists and innovators are worried about post-Brexit Britain. The exception being James Dyson, of course, who is a firm believer that innovation is reliant on entrepreneurs like himself having access to a limitless supply of overworked and underpaid factory serfs.
Although the Tories agree with Dyson, they have to make it look like they support non-slave-labour in the meantime. As such, they’ve announced a new industrial strategy. But further scrutiny has revealed this strategy is not all it seems.
According to leaked figures, the lion’s share of the new allocation will be spent on upgrading the Maybot’s operating system. One of the PM’s technicians told us:
It’s about time, really. When we first devised the idea of a robotic Prime Minister, we envisioned a machine that could process over 7 million decisions a second. The robot we ended up with can’t even make decisions.
We covered up for this by having the robot mindlessly chant, ‘I’m being very clear’ at every given opportunity. People eventually noticed she wasn’t being clear though. She was barely even translucent.
We asked what operating system the Maybot was currently running:
None. The entire machine is run by two hamsters on a wheel. Which is – to be fair – 5 times as much operating power as David Cameron had.
If you want to see another Tory industrial strategy in action, just look at the Northern Powerhouse.
Oh – except you can’t – because it doesn’t fucking exist.
Disabled people to form ‘human red carpet’ at the Royal Wedding under new Universal Credit rules
by Steve Topple
The government has announced that disabled people will be required to assist at the Royal Wedding under new rules relating to Universal Credit. And it’s rumoured that Harry and Meghan have requested a very special red carpet: one made from disabled benefit claimants deemed ‘fit-for-work’.
We all love a good wedding!
Sources for the newly renamed Department for Weddings and Patriotism (DWP) confirmed on Monday 27 November that a swathe of new conditions has been drawn up for Universal Credit’s “claimant commitment”.
Announcing the changes, Secretary of State for Work Setting You Free David Gauke said:
We’re all thrilled at the prospect of another Royal Wedding, and we want benefit claimants to share in our excitement. So we’ve introduced a host of new ways that recipients of Universal Credit can participate in the Royal Wedding, while gaining valuable social and work-related skills. But remember: where’s there’s a claim, there’s a game! And if you don’t play by our rules, you could end up with a sanction!
Measures included in the snap reforms, reportedly drawn up on the back of Princess Diana’s death certificate, include:
- ‘Fit-for-work’ disabled people forming a human red carpet at the entrance into Westminster Abbey.
- The third child and any subsequent children of people claiming tax credits being seconded to shoe polishing duties at Buckingham Palace.
- Tetraplegics to turn all used brown DWP envelopes into bunting.
- Cake decorations to be made from the freeze-dried tears of children queuing at food banks.
Royal sources also told Off The Perch that Meghan has reportedly requested that amputated limbs from diabetic benefit claimants be fashioned as a four-square-foot bustle.
May they live happily ever after
Meanwhile, one disabled person who wished to remain anonymous told Off The Perch:
We should be grateful for small mercies, I guess. And I know many of the 90 people who die every month after the DWP tells them they’re fit for work would’ve jumped at the chance to meet the Royals! Shame they’re not here to see it…
There are rumours that Harry and Meghan’s first born will be called Duncan Iain Windsor, in honour of the celebrated social reformer and philanthropist of the same name. Regina in gloria…
Katie Hopkins enjoying her new life as a bitter, jobless has-been
The allegedly once popular hate-monger Katie Hopkins has lost her job with Mail Online. Because even though the news organisation has historic ties to Adolf Hitler, it ultimately decided that Hopkins was a bit much.
But what’s next for the maestro of malice?
The former columnist now spends her days at home – surrounded by copies of the book she’ll never sell. She told Off The Perch:
Being an unemployed nobody isn’t all bad. It gives me more time to spend on my hobbies – like pulling the wings of flies and shouting at cyclists who pass my house – hoping that one of them will fall off their bike.
It can be challenging, though. You see, I’ve developed a condition called chronic-bileosis. It causes the bile to build up within me. And unless I let it out at regular intervals, I’ll explode.
Hopkins demonstrated this by getting up to hurl insults at a squirrel in her back garden. “I hope you get AIDS and die, you furry cunt,” she shouted at the oblivious creature. “I hope your children get lawn-mowered and pissed on.”
Having exorcised the hatred within herself, the washed-up shite-flinger sat back down – a haunted look on her face. “What have I become?” she asked. “What have I become!?”
“Nobody, Katie,” we told her. “You’ve become a nobody.”
Hopkins attempted to say something controversial to court attention, but her words might as well have been white noise.
We left her like that, anyway – shouting empty obscenities into the wind like an overthrown despot.
And we never thought of her again.
David Davis tipped to be the new host of kids storytelling favourite ‘Jackanory’
by Steve Topple
David Davis looks set to host a reboot of the children’s storytelling show Jackanory. But according to one BBC insider, there are concerns that Davis will “not be able to match the levels of made-up bullshit he spewed over Brexit”.
The Romans are coming!
As right-wing celebrity magazine OK, Yah! first reported, producers approached Davis after being impressed with his performance over the Brexit impact assessment papers. The BBC later asked him to do a screen test. And Off The Perch managed to get its hands on a copy of the transcript.
Leaked stills of the audition show Davis fashioned as Boudicca, wearing nothing but a blood-stained EU flag and grasping a bent cucumber. He is sitting astride an out-of-control driverless car. A BBC insider told Off The Perch that they had approached Boris Johnson and Michael Gove to sit bare-chested beneath Davis; they politely declined.
Meanwhile, here’s some bullshit I made up earlier
Davis then tells the story of The Man Who Cried Impact Assessments, from Aesop’s Fibs:
There once was a snake oil spiv who was bored as he sat in parliament watching the other village idiots. To amuse himself, he took a great breath and sang out, ‘Brexit! Brexit! We need Brexit impact assessments!’
The village idiots sat bolt upright to help the spiv work out the cost of leaving the EU. But when they checked the parliamentary agenda, they found no impact assessments. The spiv laughed at the sight of their angry faces.
‘Don’t cry ‘impact assessments’, spiv’, said the village idiots, ‘when there aren’t any!’ They went grumbling back to troughing at the gravy train.
Later, the spiv sang out again, ‘Brexit! Brexit! We need Brexit impact assessments!’ To his naughty delight, he watched the village idiots sit bolt upright again.
When the village idiots saw no impact assessments, they sternly said, ‘Save your frightened song for when the shit really hits the fan! Don’t cry ‘impact assessments’ when there are NONE!’
But the spiv just grinned and watched them go grumbling down to the Strangers’ Bar.
Later, he saw the REAL impact assessments in the Department for Exiting the EU. Alarmed, he leaped to his feet and sang out as loudly as he could, ‘Impact assessments! Impact Assessments! They’re redacted, but they’re HERE!’
But the village idiots thought he was trying to fool them again, and so they accused him of being in contempt of parliament.
Later, everyone wondered why the spiv hadn’t returned to parliament with the impact assessments. They went to the Strangers’ Bar and found him weeping into a large cognac.
‘There really were impact assessments! And we’re fucked! I cried out ‘Impact assessments!’ Why didn’t you come?’
An old man called Ken Clarke tried to comfort the boy as they walked back to parliament.
‘We’ll help you sell this to the public in the morning’, he said, putting his arm around the spiv. ‘Nobody believes a liar… even when he is telling the truth!’
A BBC insider told Off The Perch that Davis’ bullshit story was so convincing that “he should be in charge of Brexit”. Off The Perch reminded him “this fucking idiot is”…
‘Generous’ Royals to pay for wedding with money that they ‘earned’
When the Royal Wedding was announced, Britons had two questions:
- Are we getting a day off?
- How much is this shit going to cost us?
The answer to the first was: no. But the answer to the second was a glorious: nothing! Because the Royals have generously agreed to pay for their own wedding.
Using that money… which we pay them… with our money…
We spoke to the Queen to find out more.
You would have thought she’d be a bit above us, but apparently not.
Anyway, she told Off The Perch:
To be honest, one could do with offloading a bit of cash. I’m having my Scrooge McDuck-style money pool scrubbed, and it always takes longer to clean when it’s overflowing.
We asked why the money pool was being cleaned out.
“It’s full of parasites,” the Queen answered.
We explained that we already knew she and her family used the pool, but we wanted to know why she was having it cleaned.
“It’s full of parasites!” she repeated.
This back-and-forth went on for some time. Which was fine for her as, when you’re the Queen, you’re always on the clock.
A royal to-do
Of course, the Royals could have made the country pay for their wedding and kept ‘their’ cash to themselves.
Or maybe they realise that, after seven gruelling years of austerity, it isn’t going to take much for people to start asking questions like:
Why have these Royals got so many spare rooms?
How much do you reckon we’d get for that fancy gold hat she’s always wearing?
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