The government has announced that Brexit Secretary David Davis will be advised by a team of well-known cranks, including Mystic Meg and Derek Acorah. But Labour’s senior-most Brexit spokesperson, Paul the Octopus, has hit back – saying it shows Davis is “out of control”.
An agreement on the non-agreed disagreement
On Wednesday 6 December, Theresa May announced the appointments at a press conference outside Disneyland Paris. According to Charlatans Digest, the PM said:
We are at the point of progressing on to the next stage [of Brexit]. We so far have agreed agreements, non-agreed agreements, and agreements about non-agreed agreements. This is why I have agreed to bring on board some of the country’s foremost critical thinkers. David [Davis] is in agreement: to meet our agreements with the EU, we must agree to disagree and move forward in a strong and stable manner to reach an agreement. And this new team will be at the forefront of this. Agreed?
I see dead Tories
In draft agreements seen by Off The Perch, the so-called ‘A-Team’ (‘Agreements Team’) will include:
- Mystic Meg. The renowned lottery tomfoolerist and star sign con artist will be using a selection of brightly coloured balls spun in a hamster wheel to work out the impact of Brexit on GDP per capita; Base Erosion and Profit Shifting (BEPS) practices of FTSE 100 companies; and the pre-tax profits of SMEs.
- Russell Grant. The Z-Lister and premium rate astrology trickster has been brought on board for his well known array of dire jokes. It’s hoped Grant will “bore the fuckers in Brussels so much they won’t notice Davis blocking the free movement of people born anywhere north of Watford”.
- Derek Acorah. The famed bullshitter from Brain Bleach TV‘s top-rated show You Think You’re Fucking Haunted? will be channelling the spirits of dead Tory Eurosceptics. With the help of his trusty sidekick, the imaginary ‘Sam’, Acorah has been briefed to find “the most archaic and colonialist minds” from the Conservative Party’s past.
So far, Brussels has not commented. But a senior EU source told Off The Perch:
Your government is already made up of chancers, degenerates, liars, sexual deviants, and spivs. A few more fraudsters in the mix won’t make a blind bit of fucking difference.
The first meeting of the A-Team will be held in a chocolate teapot in Narnia. It’s unclear whether Davis will be able to find the wardrobe to attend or not.