Disney purchases rights to every child’s brain in $52.4bn deal with God

Sistine Chapel Disney Main
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The Walt Disney Company has just bought the rights to every child’s brain, in a move many have described as “heartwarming”.

Hello, Pluto!

The US film company struck a reported $52.4bn deal with God to take full ownership of the minds of all children aged 0-18 years. Also as part of the deal, Disney now owns a 52% controlling stake in the cerebral matter of adult fans of Marvel, DC Comics, Family Guy and American Dad!. And the cast of The Big Bang Theory.

Announcing the move, spokesperson for God and CEO of 21st Century Fox Rupert Murdoch (who also recently merged with Disney) said:

God and I had been in discussions with ‘The Big D’ for some time. They approached us with an offer, and – y’know – we thought ‘fair dinkum’. Disney has always been right up there with subconsciously influencing kids – from making the sheilas think they’ve all got to have great juggers, blonde hair and marry a prince, to spreading myths about lazy Jamaican crabs and promoting slavery. Hell – they even threw real lemmings off a cliff in the name of education and whitewashed the murder of indigenous Americans! Fox would struggle to be that bloody subversive…

Whistle While You Twerk

Murdoch said that the terms and conditions of the deal included:

  • A tie-in with Apple to have microchips inserted into children’s eardrums to play Whistle While You Work on repeat until they ‘conform’ to pre-determined Disney standards.
  • All educational books in schools to be commissioned by Fox.
  • ‘Cerebral Realignment’ of the brains of children from Marxist, Sanderist or Corbynist households.
  • School assemblies to be turned into hypnotherapy sessions to embed code words into children’s psyches, which when spoken will activate them to attack all Jews and Muslims.
  • Miley Cyrus becoming Children’s Ambassador at the UN.

God’s role is expected to be a background one, providing the necessary disease and catastrophic weather events if, and when, children get ideas above their stations.

Let it gooooo

Off The Perch managed to speak to God via a great white telephone. He/She/They/It exclusively told us:

Read on...

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Look, right. You lot were fucked as soon as the Romans got their shit together. I’ve long since given up on even trying to sort your shit out, so what’s one more megalomaniac corporation effectively seizing control of the entire media going to change? Lap it up, suckers! Hell yeah!

God muttered something about “scoring a Henry from Gabriel” before hanging up. Off The Perch can, however, confirm that The Simpsons have already predicted the End of Days in their latest, Disneyfied episode.

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– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via Flickr/Pixabay/Wikimedia

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