Government to invest £50m in better NHS winter crisis apology

John Shafthauer

When the now annual NHS winter crisis rolled around, people thought:

Oh no! Whatever can be done?

Just in the nick of time though, the Health Secretary and Prime Minister swooped in and issued apologies. People then thought:

Oh good. That’ll fix everything.

And yet – weirdly – it hasn’t.

What gives?

NHS staff report watching the live apologies with hope:

We all gathered around to watch – expecting everything to be magically fixed. And yet, when Jeremy Hunt stopped gnashing his horrible goblin mouth, we found that A&E was still rammed; beds were still too few; staff shortages were still unmanageable, and funding was still too low.

Better luck next year

A spokesperson for the Health Department said:

We think the problem lies with the health professionals actually. They say they heard the apology, but did they really?

Anyway, there’s no use crying over spilled milk. We’re going to spend money on a more simplified apology next year, and hopefully these doctors will pull their heads out of their arses long enough to understand it.

The future

The spokesperson was asked if this money would be better spent on the NHS itself. It was even suggested that investing in the NHS properly would remove the need for an apology in the first place.

The spokesperson didn’t seem to understand the concept though:

“Invest… in public… infrastructure?” they asked bemusedly.

At this point, an annoyed onlooker tossed their shoe at the confused Tory mouthpiece’s head.

“Sorry!” the shoe-tosser shouted.

And yet the lump on the spokesperson’s head was still there.

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Featured image via Wikimedia 

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John Shafthauer