Donald Trump announces US will only accept white immigrants

Donald Trump Whites Only OTP
Support us and go ad-free

Donald Trump has announced that, moving forward, the United States will only accept white immigrants. The President announced the policy change at a press conference about alleged comments he made on immigrants from “shith*le countries”.

Whites only

Speaking from Camp David, and flanked by white politicians, the President stated:

Look, I’m a reasonable guy. I am like, Mr Reasonable. You never met a guy more reasonable than me.

But listen, I tried it softly, softly. It failed. Failed. You saw my Muslim ban, right? We wanted to do this thing clean. We figured, hey, if a Muslim or a black has been raised in a majority-white country…maybe they’ll be ok, right? We’ll just keep out the lost causes.

But thanks to the SJW [Social Justice Warrior] snowflakes, that approach is over. Done. You all whined and messed it up. Now, none of them are coming in. Sad.

Mr Trump faced a series of challenging questions. But Celia Borders of Breitbart struck a more approving tone, calling on fellow journalists to “stop crying like preschoolers and get with the program”.

Policy papers seen by Off The Perch state the ban will come into force on 1 February 2018.

Read on...

Support us and go ad-free


The new policy attracted widespread criticism from the country’s liberal politicians and pundits. MSNBC’s Rachel Saddow opened her evening show with a 108-minute denunciation of the policy, stating:

We have a f*ckwit President, a f*ckwit government, and we’re not going stand for this, f*ckwits.

Saddow was joined by New York’s Democratic Senator Serena Johnson-Willis, who told Off The Perch:

I literally cannot believe this is happening. Surely, this is a long con parody situation, right? He cannot be serious.

Concern over the policy moved beyond US borders, as leaders across the globe issued strongly-worded statements of condemnation. In a one word response issued from her official Twitter account, German Chancellor Angela Merkel wrote simply: “Arschloch” (German for “Arseh*le”).

Notably absent from the conversation, Downing Street issued no formal response. Off The Perch asked the Prime Minister to clarify the UK government’s position during a press conference about the turnip shortage, to which Mrs May replied:

This is a very complicated case. You know, a lot of ins, a lot of outs, a lot of what-have-yous.

A press officer then threw a potato sack over the prime minister’s head and tossed her into a waiting Mercedes, which sped from the scene.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via YouTube screengrab

Support us and go ad-free

We need your help to keep speaking the truth

Every story that you have come to us with; each injustice you have asked us to investigate; every campaign we have fought; each of your unheard voices we amplified; we do this for you. We are making a difference on your behalf.

Our fight is your fight. You’ve supported our collective struggle every time you gave us a like; and every time you shared our work across social media. Now we need you to support us with a monthly donation.

We have published nearly 2,000 articles and over 50 films in 2021. And we want to do this and more in 2022 but we don’t have enough money to go on at this pace. So, if you value our work and want us to continue then please join us and be part of The Canary family.

In return, you get:

* Advert free reading experience
* Quarterly group video call with the Editor-in-Chief
* Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
* 20% discount in our shop

Almost all of our spending goes to the people who make The Canary’s content. So your contribution directly supports our writers and enables us to continue to do what we do: speaking truth, powered by you. We have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence our vital opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right-wing mainstream media.

With your help we can continue:

* Holding political and state power to account
* Advocating for the people the system marginalises
* Being a media outlet that upholds the highest standards
* Campaigning on the issues others won’t
* Putting your lives central to everything we do

We are a drop of truth in an ocean of deceit. But we can’t do this without your support. So please, can you help us continue the fight?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed