Speaking to The Guardian, Boris Johnson said the £350m Brexit claim was “too low”. When confused reporters pointed out the figure was – you know – horse shit, Johnson clarified:
Indeed, my good peasant. A shameless lie. But was it quite shameless enough?
Johnson went on to promise several more things – hastily painting them on the side of a bus. Said promises included:
- Free hair dryers for foster mums.
- A third Ace Ventura movie.
- James Corden to travel back in time and murder baby Hitler.
- 7-day weekends.
- Inner-city car parks that pay you.
- Two new seasons – both of which will combine the heat of summer with the magic of Christmas.
- NHS after-care to be taken care of by Lush.
- A sixth Spice Girl.
- The entire Trident budget to be reinvested in genetically engineering porgs.
- A human face for Michael Gove.
- Cheese that makes you lose weight.
- Middle-managers will be required to give their underlings foot rubs.
- Drinks all round.
When asked if he felt any shame, the Foreign Secretary responded:
I thought I did once, but it turned out I’d just sat on an egg.
Johnson then proceeded to tell anyone who would listen that he was “the basis for Luke Skyman in the Star Trek movies”.
But like everything else Johnson says, it probably wasn’t the case.
Featured image via Flickr – Jerry Daykin (image was altered)
Do your bit for independent journalism
Did you know that less than 1.5% of our readers contribute financially to The Canary? Imagine what we could do if just a few more people joined our movement to achieve a shared vision of a free and fair society where we nurture people and planet.
We need you to help out, if you can.
When you give a monthly amount to fund our work, you are supporting truly independent journalism. We hold power to account and have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence the counterpoint to the mainstream.
You can count on us for rigorous journalism and fearless opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right wing mainstream media.
In return you get:
- Advert free reading experience
- Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
- 20% discount from our shop