£350m NHS lie ‘wasn’t shameless enough’, claims Boris Johnson

Bus lies Boris Johnson OTP
John Shafthauer

Speaking to The Guardian, Boris Johnson said the £350m Brexit claim was “too low”. When confused reporters pointed out the figure was – you know – horse shit, Johnson clarified:

Indeed, my good peasant. A shameless lie. But was it quite shameless enough?

Promises, promises

Johnson went on to promise several more things – hastily painting them on the side of a bus. Said promises included:

  • Free hair dryers for foster mums.
  • A third Ace Ventura movie.
  • James Corden to travel back in time and murder baby Hitler.
  • 7-day weekends.
  • Inner-city car parks that pay you.
  • Two new seasons – both of which will combine the heat of summer with the magic of Christmas.
  • NHS after-care to be taken care of by Lush.
  • A sixth Spice Girl.
  • The entire Trident budget to be reinvested in genetically engineering porgs.
  • A human face for Michael Gove.
  • Cheese that makes you lose weight.
  • Middle-managers will be required to give their underlings foot rubs.
  • Drinks all round.

Shameless

When asked if he felt any shame, the Foreign Secretary responded:

I thought I did once, but it turned out I’d just sat on an egg.

Johnson then proceeded to tell anyone who would listen that he was “the basis for Luke Skyman in the Star Trek movies”.

But like everything else Johnson says, it probably wasn’t the case.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via Flickr – Jerry Daykin (image was altered)

We need your help ...

The coronavirus pandemic is changing our world, fast. And we will do all we can to keep bringing you news and analysis throughout. But we are worried about maintaining enough income to pay our staff and minimal overheads.

Now, more than ever, we need a vibrant, independent media that holds the government to account and calls it out when it puts vested economic interests above human lives. We need a media that shows solidarity with the people most affected by the crisis – and one that can help to build a world based on collaboration and compassion.

We have been fighting against an establishment that is trying to shut us down. And like most independent media, we don’t have the deep pockets of investors to call on to bail us out.

Can you help by chipping in a few pounds each month?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed