And what a week it was!
A week in which President Trump finished his first year in office! A week in which people tried to remember what life was like before! And a week in which booze sales went through the roof!
But what else happened?
Let’s look back and see:
‘Please, sir, can we have some socialism?’ ask Carillion shareholders
After years of playing fast and loose with public money, the company Carillion is going into liquidation. Much like the banks, though, Carillion may be ‘too big to fail’.
This is in contrast to an organisation like the NHS, obviously, which must inevitably fail because it’s too big.
As soon as things looked bad for them, the bigwigs behind Carillion sidled over to the government service counter.
“Please, sir, can we have some socialism?” they asked.
“Yes, of course,” the government said. “Here – have a great big dollop of it.”
“Err, excuse me,” said the Education Department, “but these corporate types just pushed in front of us.”
“Well what about us?” Education asked. “Can we have some socialism too?”
“Sorry,” the government said, “but we’re all out.”
At this point, the DUP budged to the front of the queue and nodded at its plate. The government heaped some socialism on it. And then, after several seconds of glaring from the DUP, it heaped on some more.
“You realise we all just saw that, right?” Education said.
The government shrugged again, as it took a great big handful of socialism and gorged itself on it.
That’s what I want
Margaret Thatcher famously said the trouble with socialism is that eventually you run out of other people’s money. She also deregulated banking, which allowed the banks to play around with other people’s money. Something which went swimmingly until 2008, when they ran out of said money and had to ask for some more.
The same thing could be happening now. Because the trouble with capitalism is that you never run out of other people’s money. Not as long as politics is crooked.
£350m NHS lie ‘wasn’t shameless enough’, claims Boris Johnson
Speaking to The Guardian, Boris Johnson said the £350m Brexit claim was “too low”. When confused reporters pointed out the figure was – you know – horse shit, Johnson clarified:
Indeed, my good peasant. A shameless lie. But was it quite shameless enough?
Johnson went on to promise several more things – hastily painting them on the side of a bus. Said promises included:
- Free hair dryers for foster mums.
- A third Ace Ventura movie.
- James Corden to travel back in time and murder baby Hitler.
- 7-day weekends.
- Inner-city car parks that pay you.
- Two new seasons – both of which will combine the heat of summer with the magic of Christmas.
- NHS after-care to be taken care of by Lush.
- A sixth Spice Girl.
- The entire Trident budget to be reinvested in genetically engineering porgs.
- A human face for Michael Gove.
- Cheese that makes you lose weight.
- Middle-managers will be required to give their underlings foot rubs.
- Drinks all round.
When asked if he felt any shame, the Foreign Secretary responded:
I thought I did once, but it turned out I’d just sat on an egg.
Johnson then proceeded to tell anyone who would listen that he was “the basis for Luke Skyman in the Star Trek movies”.
But like everything else Johnson says, it probably wasn’t the case.
Theresa May branded a ‘genius’ after plans to ban the name ‘Philip Green’ leaked
by Steve Topple
Theresa May has witnessed a sudden resurgence in popularity in the wake of the collapse of government contractor Carillion. Because thanks to a Cabinet Office memo leaked to Snake Oil Quarterly, it has been revealed the PM has a plan to stop private companies leeching public funds: she intends to ban the name ‘Philip Green’.
Bring on the revolution!
Senior Tories have branded May a “genius”, “inspired” and “revolutionary”, after the details of the draft proposals were published on Monday 15 January. As Snake Oil Quarterly reported, May was responding to mass confusion on social media over which Philip Green actually ran Carillion: the one who oversaw the collapse of a massive company putting workers’ pensions at risk, or the former chairman of BHS.
The government will be introducing legislation, branded the ‘Crooked Bastard’s Charter’, to outlaw any parent naming their child Philip Green. This is due to the strong possibility of that child growing up to be a greedy, self-serving, spivvy bastard who’s only interested in milking the public and protecting his massive bonuses.
A senior government source told Off The Perch:
The PM had originally wanted to implement a mass extermination programme, or ‘cull’, of every person under the age of 18 named Philip Green. But after consulting with Iain Duncan Smith’s Centre for Social Justice thinktank, she realised the impact on the deficit would be too great.
So the proposals were watered down in line with recommendations from Donald Trump’s ‘Greek fan club’ Golden Dawn. The PM is confident that this mechanism will allow only government-approved crooks and chancers to run massive multinational corporations. Not these reckless shits that keep slipping through the net.
Please, May? Can we have some more?
Labour, though, has hit back at the plans. A Jeremy Corbyn insider mumbled to Off The Perch:
Down with capitalism… [something, something, something]… Up the workers… [something, something, something]… Destroy the Maybot… [something, something, something]… For the many… [something, something, something]…
Meanwhile, it has been announced that George Osborne’s vulture capitalist firm, Blackrock, will be taking over the running of the entire Department for Work and Pensions, the Ministry of Justice and the Foreign and Commonwealth Office. This is due, according to May, to its “excellent work in making huge sums of money from Carillion’s collapse”.
A random man on the street whom Off The Perch bumped into said:
Where’s my dinner? And did you see EastEnders last night???
As Karl Marx once said: “history repeats itself, first as tragedy then as farce”.
Tory youth group’s attempt to give out free vasectomies goes poorly
The Tory Vice-Chair for Youth, Ben Bradley, was recently revealed to have historically called on unemployed people to get vasectomies. And although he and his party have distanced themselves from the comments, the Tory youth don’t seem to have got the message.
Off with their nuts
The Kidderminster University New Tories Society (KUNTS) arranged a trip to Burnley. Their intention was to put Bradley’s plan into action. The problem was that none of the unemployed people they met were willing to go along with it.
We spoke to one eyewitness:
A group of strange-looking young people were approaching folk as they came in and out of the job centre. They looked confused by their surroundings. Almost like our Northern satellite town might as well have been outer-space.
When I realised they were offering to give people the snip, I walked over and shook my pastry at them. ‘He’s got a weapon!’ one of them shrieked. I said, ‘It’s a sausage roll, you numpty.’ He didn’t know what that was, though. He just kept repeating ‘sausage roll’ as if I was talking French.
It’s reported that one of the KUNTS did attempt to perform an unrequested vasectomy. Thankfully, they were somewhat dazed by the sight of so many bakeries, and ended up trying to sterilise a statue of popular northern everyman Sean Bean by accident.
As a result of this latest incident, the Conservative Party has once more had to confirm that it does not support the enforced eradication of poor people.
They are capitalists, after all. And it’s very difficult to profit from people’s suffering when they’re dead.
Violent escaped Tory wolf ‘Ben Bradley’ recaptured and given the snip
by Steve Topple
A violent wolf which absconded from parliament has been recaptured following a daring and peril-stricken chase. ‘Tis a solemn tale of fear and loathing, dear reader. And one which ends with a cautious lesson for all Conservatives…
‘Twas a bleak and sodden January night. The behemoth Storm Fionn (or Georgina) was battering the land.
He (or she) effortlessly uprooted once proud and erect trees like they were Owen Smith’s backbone.
He sent the meekly protruding spring bulbs into frantic retreat; like Gordon Brown upon meeting a ‘bigoted woman’.
He caused the timid seas to become enraged, ferociously spilling their anger onto the quivering shoreline; like Tim Farron chancing upon two men locked in an embrace.
In the darkest recesses of Westminster, MPs were cowering, nursing brandy like David Mellor nursed Antonia de Sancha – firmly, but with visibly quivering nethers.
Then suddenly, a tortured howl like a thousand Stephen Kinnocks upon the election of Jeremy Corbyn echoed through the winding corridors. MPs arose like startled, insurance-selling meerkats. The Division Bell tolled heavy; booming across the chambers and warning all mortals of the impending danger.
For the rabid and fearsome beast, known only as ‘Ben Bradley’, had escaped the bowels of his office.
Its snarling and baying struck terror in the hearts of MPs. As ’twas the beast which knew no fear. Not even the fury of the liberal press over its errant comments about unemployed vasectomies could tame it.
The creature had nurtured its voracious appetite for violence during the fabled ‘Olde Londinium Riotes’ in the year of our Lord two thousand and eleven. Now, charging through Westminster’s halls, even the fortified buttresses were too meagre to hold the beast. And it erupted onto the dimly lit streets of the City.
Suddenly, a shrill horn signalled the arrival of the one mortal who could stop the creature’s emancipation. For upon a white stallion rode into the City the fabled Priti Patel, returned from her Crusades in the Levant.
“Leave the Bradley beast to me,” she bellowed, “for ’tis only I who have known its fury!” Patel was well-placed to tame the creature, as she too had felt the fury of the liberal press for her errant comments on idle British workers.
The beast had reached the Gherkin, and had begun climbing its sheer sides. Riding down to the creature, Patel’s stallion reared up on its hinds with the force of a thousand Ken Clarkes after an evening in the Strangers’ Bar.
The beast, startled, lost its grip and came crashing down onto the unsuspecting ground. Patel deftly covered the beast in a thousand unsold copies of The Daily Mail, embalming it in the paper’s putrid leaf.
Whimpering, the beast relented. Patel, dragging it back to Tory HQ, announced to the cheering crowd of Japanese tourists:
The beast is tamed! But ’tis not over! For I will ensure that its like will never stalk our proud City again!
Taking the razor-sharp blank cheque she was gifted from the Israeli government, Patel held the beast by its throat. With the might of a wronged BuzzFeed writer, she lanced the creature’s gonads; the bulbous testes catapulting into the hemp bag of a passing hipster.
And lo! The beast quietened, immediately perusing knitting patterns upon its iPad.
With renewed vigour, the sun banished the now solemn clouds from the city’s sky. Prime Minister May, emerging cautiously from behind the strong and stable door of Number 10, told the awaiting world:
Never again will such a beast be allowed to make errant comments publicly. For upon this day, I charge that Tory MPs will only practice the dark arts of eugenics in private. Rejoice!
All was well. The queues returned to the food banks. The homeless returned to their tents. The disabled returned to their empty fridges. And the Tories returned to their plans for culling the poor. The beast was never seen again. But rumours abound of another creature, lingering menacingly in the shadows. And this rabid beast, dear reader, goes by the name of Toby Young…
Carillion accepts £47bn payment to build Boris’s bridge to France
People have pointed out several problems with Boris’s idea for a Channel Bridge between Britain and France:
- It would cross one of the busiest shipping lanes in the world.
- It would require access to some sort of magic money tree.
- It was devised by Boris Johnson – a man who is to rational thought what an electric eel is to bath toys.
Yet there was one company that was willing to take the project on. And that company is Carillion.
After it was announced that Carillion had been handed the contract, a gaggle of reporters mobbed the current CEO. One of them asked if Carillion would be able to deliver on this contract.
“We’re certainly willing to claim that we are,” he answered.
Another asked if this was just a backhand way of ensuring that bosses got the bonuses they’d been denied.
“And then some,” he agreed.
Another asked if Carillion was even capable of delivering such an ambitious project given its reputation for being terrible.
“We’re expecting that anyone who’d use the bridge will have left the country by the time it’s finished, so I wouldn’t worry too much about it holding up.”
A bridge too far?
Theresa May famously said that, if you’re a citizen of the world, then you’re a citizen of nowhere. The good news for those citizens is that the likelihood of this project being finished means we’ll soon have a bridge to nowhere – enabling them to drive home at their leisure.
Featured image via YouTube / Flickr – Jerry Daykin (image was altered) / ParentRap/Pixabay / ABC News/YouTube / Only Dan – Wikimedia (image was altered) / Pexels / Chris McAndrew/Wikimedia / Conservative Party/Wikimedia / Pixabay / Wikimedia – Kuhlmann/MSC (image was altered)