The complete list of every secret Jeremy Corbyn leaked to the Soviets

0000517 The complete list of every secret Jeremy Corbyn leaked to the Soviets-01
Support us and go ad-free

The British tabloids have bravely reported that Jeremy Corbyn was a Soviet collaborator. And we say bravely, because no one else was courageous enough to report the accusations of a former spy who claimed to have arranged Live Aid on behalf of Czechoslovakia.

But what secrets did Corbyn sell?

What secrets did Britain even have?

A new leak has shed some light.

Dossier

Comrade Corbyn is alleged to have told Czechoslovakia the following:

  • Young Davey Cameron is a pie (they didn’t know who this was).
  • Although potatoes can be good, ostentatious fun, it’s worth remembering that they don’t count towards your five-a-day.
  • Thatcher used the milk she stole from children to feed her army of genetically-perverted flying monkeys.
  • Walking is good exercise, but you have to do a lot of it.
  • Birmingham isn’t real. It was invented in 1967 as a means of repelling tourists from the secret training facility of our Olympic curling team.
  • The government’s attempt to grow a Tory super-politician went awry when the petri dish of genetic material was repeatedly contaminated with rat faeces and glue. As a result, PROJECT BORIS JOHNSON was deemed to be a failure.
  • UB40 was an MI5 front for smuggling Branston Pickle into Jamaica.
  • We do actually drive on the right side of the road. We just pretend not to when tourists are around for a laugh.
  • Yorkshire tea isn’t even grown in Yorkshire.

Conspiracy

Some people are saying this comprehensive list of leaked secrets isn’t very credible, as it was handed to the tabloids by a man who was wearing his underpants on his head. A spokesperson from The Sun responded by saying:

Where else would we get news from?

Read on...

Support us and go ad-free

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via screengrab

Support us and go ad-free

Do your bit for independent journalism

Did you know that less than 1.5% of our readers contribute financially to The Canary? Imagine what we could do if just a few more people joined our movement to achieve a shared vision of a free and fair society where we nurture people and planet.

We need you to help out, if you can.

When you give a monthly amount to fund our work, you are supporting truly independent journalism. We hold power to account and have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence the counterpoint to the mainstream.

You can count on us for rigorous journalism and fearless opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right wing mainstream media.

In return you get:

  • Advert free reading experience
  • Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
  • 20% discount from our shop

 

The Canary Fund us

Comments are closed