The British tabloids have bravely reported that Jeremy Corbyn was a Soviet collaborator. And we say bravely, because no one else was courageous enough to report the accusations of a former spy who claimed to have arranged Live Aid on behalf of Czechoslovakia.
But what secrets did Corbyn sell?
What secrets did Britain even have?
A new leak has shed some light.
Comrade Corbyn is alleged to have told Czechoslovakia the following:
- Young Davey Cameron is a pie (they didn’t know who this was).
- Although potatoes can be good, ostentatious fun, it’s worth remembering that they don’t count towards your five-a-day.
- Thatcher used the milk she stole from children to feed her army of genetically-perverted flying monkeys.
- Walking is good exercise, but you have to do a lot of it.
- Birmingham isn’t real. It was invented in 1967 as a means of repelling tourists from the secret training facility of our Olympic curling team.
- The government’s attempt to grow a Tory super-politician went awry when the petri dish of genetic material was repeatedly contaminated with rat faeces and glue. As a result, PROJECT BORIS JOHNSON was deemed to be a failure.
- UB40 was an MI5 front for smuggling Branston Pickle into Jamaica.
- We do actually drive on the right side of the road. We just pretend not to when tourists are around for a laugh.
- Yorkshire tea isn’t even grown in Yorkshire.
Some people are saying this comprehensive list of leaked secrets isn’t very credible, as it was handed to the tabloids by a man who was wearing his underpants on his head. A spokesperson from The Sun responded by saying:
Where else would we get news from?
Featured image via screengrab