Theresa May loses majority after her own fake news unit convicts 12 Conservative MPs

Theresa May
Kerry-anne Mendoza

Theresa May lost her parliamentary majority in the 2017 general election. Only a deal with the DUP’s ten MPs allowed her to form a wafer-thin majority government. But after the prime minister’s own fake news unit convicted and unseated 12 of her own MPs, the May government has collapsed.

Fake news

The 12 Conservative MPs made claims on personal blogs or in media interviews, which investigators later found to be untrue. The following MPs will lose their seats:

  • Sir Aiden Beckett, North Bridgwater: claimed a member of staff in the House of Commons canteen was a Daesh (Isis/Isil) agent attempting to kill him. Investigators found Beckett’s claim was vexatious, and motivated entirely by an aversion to tabards.
  • Anthony Parker-Jones, Edinburgh East: claimed shadow chancellor John McDonnell was the fifth Beatle, in an effort to highlight his poor judgement. John McDonnell is not the fifth Beatle.
  • Boris Carruthers, Mayfair: claimed striking NHS junior doctors were “sent by the Chinese” to destroy capitalism. They weren’t.
  • Charles Whett-Whistle, Hayle: claimed to have been assaulted by Momentum supporters. CCTV footage from parliament showed Whett-Whistle sustaining his injuries in a fall down the stairs after a long night in the Strangers’ Bar.
  • Eleanor Somerville, Canterbury: claimed Jeremy Corbyn once collaborated with Russian agents in a plot to assassinate a royal corgi.
  • Elizabeth Habberdebloom, Chelsea: claimed left-wing vandals repeatedly uprooted her hollyhocks (English garden flower). Footage taken by activists showed Habberdebloom frantically digging up the beds herself, while shouting: “They’ll never turn my blue blood red!”
  • Francis Napier, Orkney: claimed responsibility for ABBA.
  • Hugh Whippington-Smythe, Dorset North: claimed a Polish immigrant stole his ministerial car. Investigators found the car in a garage on the Whippington-Smythe estate.
  • Henry Osbourne, Surrey Downs: claimed Diane Abbott sat on his teacup Yorkshire terrier. Investigators found Osbourne doesn’t have a dog of any kind.
  • Javinder Patel, Birmingham South East: claimed the disabled hosts of Channel 4′s The Last Leg were faking it for sympathy.
  • Thomasina Whitlaw, Farnborough Central: claimed the rise in homelessness was due to Russian agents posing as rough sleepers.
  • Zara Picasso, Tunbridge Wells: claimed to be human. Investigators could find no evidence to support the claim.

Game over

Theresa May left Downing Street in the prime ministerial car for the last time this morning, without comment. Shortly afterwards, the Queen accepted Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn’s offer to form a government. Bunnies began to dance in the wheat fields, singing:”Ding dong, the witch is dead!”

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Editor’s note: Watch out, the unit’s still running til the end of the week.

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Kerry-anne Mendoza