And what a week it was!
A week in which the Britain First leaders were sent to prison! A week in which “Pharma Bro” Martin Shkreli was sent to prison! And a week in which hard-right shitheads the world over wondered if they were next!
But what else happened?
Let’s look back and see:
One of the best reasons for leaving the EU is that it gives us a chance to strike up new trade deals. Especially as Donald Trump is in power – a generous man who’s known for making deals that benefit both himself and the person he’s dealing with.
Unexpectedly, though, President Trump has announced a trade war. And while it seems we’d be spared from harm (as we don’t really make anything), the orange menace is going after the one thing we excel at:
Theresa May told Trump about our innovative jams on her last stateside visit. The president either forgot about this or actively chose not to remember, though, as he later tweeted:
People say I ideas smartly. Well here’s one for you – impotent jams. I don’t know what they are, but they’re going to be big #OranginalThinking.
When May called Trump to ask him what was going on, he accused us of stealing his idea and shouted:
Celebrity demagogue-boot-licker Nigel Farage leapt to America’s defence to show how patriotic he is:
May was always going to take the side of the EU against America. https://t.co/LOIXoiNdk0
— Nigel Farage (@Nigel_Farage) March 4, 2018
Kick out the jams
The problem is that America does not in fact make innovative jams. Not in the sense that we do anyway, as what we call ‘jam’ is what they call ‘jelly’, and what they call a ‘jam’ is a drawn-out musical break.
As such, President Trump ordered that funk legend James Brown be Frankensteined and made to groove until such a time that our economy is destroyed. A move which left jingoist flag-licker Nigel Farage dribbling and twitching his leg.
According to the Liberal Democrat deputy leader and Scottish MP Jo Swinson, we simply must have a statue to Margaret Thatcher.
But how could any one monument embody everything that made Thatcher what she was?
Don’t worry yourself thinking about that, because the geniuses at Tory HQ have come up with a solution.
Margaret Thatcher was many things to many people. At her core though, she was an absolute bastard who shut down coal mines without providing for the people who worked in them.
As such, there could be no better tribute than taking another absolute bastard and bricking her up in an abandoned mineshaft.
Off The Perch caught up with the government minister for symbolism to hear the thinking behind the scheme:
We needed a powerful symbol to honour Thatcher. We didn’t want to spend much money though, and thankfully we had a PM who was just sitting around not doing anything.
Obviously, we now have to replace the prime minister, but even that’s cheaper than paying for a proper monument. We just stuffed a suit with straw, gave it a speech bubble that reads ‘Brexit means Brexit’, and propped it up on The Andrew Marr Show.
The witch is dead
Some people are worried that the monument doesn’t fully encompass Thatcher’s legacy. If you’re one of those people, you can make sure that her influence remains unforgotten by:
- Stealing milk from children.
- Letting the bankers have the milk.
- Making George Osborne cry.
The Conservatives have been known to accuse their enemies of being ‘terrorist sympathisers’.
As such, their relationship with Saudi Arabia is a difficult one. Because even the most passive observer can see that selling weapons to a country which commits war crimes is a step beyond mere sympathy: it’s practically a Mexican wave of encouragement.
This is why the Tories attempted to avoid the red carpet treatment for the Saudi crown prince. But as per usual, they couldn’t even get that right.
Red, right hands
Foreign secretary Boris Johnson (not to be confused with ‘idiot abroad’ Karl Pilkington) was in charge of putting a white carpet out. Unfortunately for Johnson, said carpet did not stay white for very long. Primarily as his hands were covered in a thick, red liquid that got everywhere.
Speaking to a nearby heckler, Johnson said:
I don’t know why I can’t get rid of the blasted stuff. It just appeared one day after I sold some of our civilian-busting missiles to our good friends in the Gulf.
I tried swapping some death-copters and horror-rockets for a packet of incredibly expensive hand soap, but even that wouldn’t wash it off.
The heckler then instructed Johnson to “piss off back to Twattinghamshire”.
Of course, Britain can’t feel guilty for the crimes that are committed by the nations we sell weapons too.
Which isn’t to say we shouldn’t feel guilty – it’s just that it’s very difficult to earn the big bucks when you have things like morality or compassion.
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