John Woodcock’s infiltration skills may land him the UK’s most coveted role
The (alleged) Labour MP John Woodcock has emerged as the shock favourite to be the next James Bond.
Woodcock’s infiltration of the Labour Party, despite clearly holding very few of its values, has apparently turned heads at The James Bond Selection Committee of Englishness.
Rise to the top
Woodcock had been an outside bet for the role, behind more obvious candidates such as Chuka Umunna. However, he shot forward as bookies favourite after this tweet:
Amber Rudd has screwed up big time, no question. And there is now clearly a significant question mark over her competence. But Labour has more common ground with her than so many of her potential successors – we should be careful what we wish for.
— John Woodcock (@JWoodcockMP) April 27, 2018
The odds now read as follows:
- Evens – John Woodcock
- 7/4 – Tom Hiddlestone
- 2/1 – Chukka Umunna
- 4/1 – Tom Hardy
- 6/1 – Idriss Elba
- 9/1 – Owen Smith
The James Bond Selection Committee of Englishness stated:
After Daniel Craig hangs up his tiny trunks we are looking for a new type of Bond, someone with real life espionage experience. John Woodcock is clearly a Tory spy. He has infiltrated and destabilised the Labour party brilliantly and we hope he could replicate this experience on the big screen.
The James Bond and Bad Puns Appreciation Society are also backing Woodcock:
Woodcock has really pulled out his Goldfinger in recent months and has taken the battle to Jeremy Corbyn’s sensible and compassionate policy. He is clearly On Her Majesty’s Service through playing a key role in maintaining the hierarchy of British society. We want to avoid a loony-left candidate getting the role and making a commie propaganda film called ‘From Russia with Love 2’.
Unsurprisingly, the Conservative party is not too keen on its best spy swapping politics for cinema.
In a statement, home secretary Amber Rudd said:
If John Woodcock were to leave our spy team it would mess up our spy targets. Not that we have any. Unless you read my emails then maybe we do, although maybe we don’t. How the hell am I meant to know??!!!
– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.
– Join The Canary, so we can keep holding the powerful to account.
Featured image Films&Stuff/YouTube
We know everyone is suffering under the Tories - but the Canary is a vital weapon in our fight back, and we need your support
The Canary Workers’ Co-op knows life is hard. The Tories are waging a class war against us we’re all having to fight. But like trade unions and community organising, truly independent working-class media is a vital weapon in our armoury.
The Canary doesn’t have the budget of the corporate media. In fact, our income is over 1,000 times less than the Guardian’s. What we do have is a radical agenda that disrupts power and amplifies marginalised communities. But we can only do this with our readers’ support.
So please, help us continue to spread messages of resistance and hope. Even the smallest donation would mean the world to us.