The week in satire Vol. #72
And what a week it was!
A week in which Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un prepared to meet! A week in which the world prepared for the worst! And a week in which the people who sell nuclear fallout shelters anticipated a fruitful year!
But what else happened!
Let’s look back and see:
Shock as crime increases even as Tories do all the things that increase crime
The right-wing tabloids are shocked!
Shocked, I tell you!
Read on...
Because even though the Tories have done all the things that increase crime, crime has increased!
But-but-whaaaa?
A Tory minister confirmed they did everything right – including:
- Making people more poor/destitute/desperate.
- Overworking, underpaying and generally pissing off the police.
- Pulling the social mobility ladder up and giving an F-U to the people at the bottom.
As such, it’s a mystery why crime is still increasing, and Tory-supporting comedians can’t even walk the streets (in their Range Rovers) without being robbed at hammer-point.
Must try harder
New home secretary Sajid Javid has explained how he’s doing more to discourage criminals:
It seems that creating the environment for crime to fester isn’t enough to stop it. As such, I’ve gone above and beyond.
Just yesterday, I approached a group of young chaps on the street. I showed them a blueprint I’d acquired of a nearby jeweller’s. I explained that, if they got three motorbikes and hit the joint at 2:00pm Wednesday, they’d get the jewellery and the cash before it was banked.
One of them looked at me and said, ‘But we don’t have motorbikes, Mr Javid.’ I could see I wasn’t getting through to them, so I took it even further. I gave them each a moped, firearm, and ski mask, and agreed to be their lookout.
If that doesn’t stop them, I don’t know what will.
Shook
Shockingly, it didn’t stop them. If anything, it seems to have encouraged them.
As such, it’s hard to see what the government can do next. Although there’s talk of a reverse weapons amnesty in which the government hands out firearms to anyone who wants one.
Daily Mail editor to retire to his cottage in the south of hell
Editor Paul Dacre is leaving the Daily Mail after 26 years. When he started, the tabloid was merely dreadful. Now it’s so vile that a copy of the newspaper left by itself will eventually dissolve under the acidity of its own content.
What’s not so well known is that Dacre is actually quite literally a devil. And now that he’s fucked up the UK as much as possible, Dacre has decided to retire. Namely to a lovely little cottage in the southern region of hell.
Burn baby, burn
Location, Location, Location recently visited the region of hell where Dacre will be living. It’s a rather charming area populated by the absolute worst of Britain, and Dacre’s neighbours will include:
- Dr Harold Shipman.
- Margaret “the milk snatcher” Thatcher.
- Henry VIII.
- Enoch Powell.
- The woman who put a cat in a bin.
- Oswald Mosley.
- Tony Blair (still technically alive, but dead on the inside following his arrangement to sell his soul for friendship with celebrity moron George W. Bush).
- The guy who wrote the Crazy Frog song.
In memory
If there’s one thing people will remember Dacre for, it’s the many disgusting things his rag of a fucking newspaper did. It’s not often you can genuinely say that time travel should be invented just to stop someone before they get started, but Dacre is one of those instances.
Which isn’t to say Dacre shouldn’t look forward to his time in hell, obviously. We’re all hoping he gets to spend a long time there.
North Korean peace talks in jeopardy as Boris Johnson offers to help out
Despite having all the negotiating finesse of a coke-sniffing gorilla, Donald Trump has managed to arrange peace talks with North Korea. It’s too early to tell if it’s down to his tactics; it could be that North Korea thinks it’s become a big enough threat to charge the world protection money.
One thing is certain, though – namely that this circus has enough clowns already. But that isn’t stopping Boris Johnson.
Send in the twat
Boris Johnson is constantly torn between his lust for power and the realisation that he couldn’t run a raffle. But with Theresa May looking like she could be toppled by a distant fart, Johnson is once more having to present himself as leadership material.
The problem is that he doesn’t have any ideas, skills, or talents. And as such, he’s forced to put himself adjacent to important politics in the hope people think he’s involved.
Is this yours?
Johnson was found by soldiers in the demilitarised zone between the two Koreas. Apparently, he’s been staking out the potential meeting spot – living in the bushes – surviving on lizards and rainwater.
The foreign secretary planned on running up to Trump and Kim as the talks were happening. His hope was that:
- He’d be pictured as part of the talks.
- No one would shoot him, because they’d assume he was Trump’s weird nephew.
When asked if Johnson was at risk of being shot, a North Korean army captain said:
The risk isn’t over. He’s very annoying.
Unfortunately for the UK, the soldiers resisted the urge, and will be sending him home in the morning.
Netflix refuses to let Theresa May cancel her subscription
Theresa May is regarded as being one of the weakest prime ministers in history.
"I can't sack Johnson because he has strong views on Brexit" – disgrace to the office of PM and robotic to the point of invoking pity https://t.co/3PswJvvqdh
— Paul Mason (@paulmasonnews) June 8, 2018
In a way, she isn’t even the government’s leader. She’s more like the cork that plugs the Tory dam to stop the warring factions bursting out in a tsunami of cunts.
Still, we didn’t think she was this limp. The latest news is that Netflix is refusing her subscription cancellation.
Sub-prime minister
Speaking to Sky News, May said:
Netflix has some very strong opinions about taking my money, and I respect that. That’s what being a subscriber is – it’s a back and forth between-
At this point, May was interrupted by interviewer Sophy Ridge, who said:
Right – that’s quite enough of that. If you wouldn’t mind, our work experience lad failed to show up, and we all need coffee.
May looked confused, but she also looked too scared to move – like a meerkat at a death metal gig.
“Hop to it!” Ridge insisted as May scampered off to get hot drinks.
“And use your money to pay for it!” Ridge shouted after her.
Wet
Sensing that May couldn’t lead her way out of a wet paper bag, the UK has been taking advantage of her too. Supermarkets are charging her £50 per litre of milk, shoe retailers are selling her mismatched left trainers in the wrong size, and cabinet ministers are calling her out in public.
And if she doesn’t like it, she should stand up to them. Or, better yet, fuck off and call a general election.
Tories to back terrible PM to prevent different, terrible PM
On 12 June, Theresa May is planning on bludgeoning all the Brexit amendments the Lords voted for, through parliament. Anti-Brexit rebels were going to stand up to this act of dubious democracy, but now they’re worried it could help Boris Johnson become leader.
In other words, they’re worried they’ll be out of the frying pan and into the other frying pan.
Two cheeks
The problem with the Tory party is that everyone in it is, at the very least, quite terrible. As such, the person leading it will almost always be relentlessly dreadful.
To decide who’d make the best (worst?) leader, Tories have been weighing up their attributes:
WENT TO OXBRIDGE
JOHNSON: Yes.
MAY: Yes.
IS HAPPY TO WAVE THROUGH RACIST ACTS OF THE WORST KIND
JOHNSON: Yes.
MAY: Yes.
HAS GLEEFULLY VOTED THROUGH EVERY HORROR-POLICY OF THE PAST EIGHT YEARS
JOHNSON: Yes.
MAY: Yes.
HAS SOME SORT OF BREXIT PLAN
JOHNSON: Yes.
MAY: Yes.
A PLAN THAT’S ACTUALLY FLESHED OUT AND CREDIBLE
JOHNSON: No.
MAY: No.
AND WON’T LEAVE THE COUNTRY QUITE LITERALLY ON FIRE
JOHNSON: No.
MAY: No.
Obviously, the two are neck and neck on most fronts. But what’s swung it for the timid rebels is this:
LIKELY TO REMEMBER WE CALLED HIM A FLUFF-HEADED TWAT-BRAIN IF HE BECOMES PM:
JOHNSON: Yes.
MAY: N/A.
Things can only get worser
To be fair to the non-rebels, Boris Johnson probably would be a worse PM. It’s an unfortunate situation they find themselves in. One they could have avoided by not being Tories in the first place.
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Featured image via Casey Fleser – Flickr / YouTube / Wikimedia / Pixabay / Bundesministerium für Europa, Integration und Äußeres – Wikimedia / YouTube / YouTube / YouTube
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