And what a week it was!
A week in which President Trump took credit for reuniting caged children with their parents! A week in which people pointed out you can’t expect praise for undoing something you did yourself! And a week in which Trump carried on taking credit anyway!
But what else happened?
Let’s look back and see:
On the 70th anniversary of the NHS, the Tories have decided to give it a gift. Said gift being that they’ll underfund it a bit less than usual for the next five years.
As there’s no ‘magic money tree’ (and no chance the Tories will tax the rich), people are wondering where the cash will come from. Wonder no more, however, as Off The Perch can exclusively reveal that the cash has come in the form of another gift. Namely an invisible Brexit Dividend™ from Boris Johnson.
Johnson gave May the incredible present last week. As soon as she had it, the PM decided to go and brag about it to anyone who’d listen. This was unfortunate, as Johnson also gifted her some invisible new clothes. As such, her twin tattoos of John Major and Bernard Manning were visible for everyone to see. Although she did at least have some sensible underwear on.
“Excellent news!” May told her underlings at the Department for Work and Pensions. “We don’t need to cheat people out of an existence anymore, because we’ve got a Brexit Dividend™ to fund their lavish poverty!”
May applauded while several embarrassed-looking staffers walked in with empty wheelbarrows.
“Look at all that Brexit Dividend™,” May said, through a gritted smile. “And there’s plenty more where that came from!”
The civil servants in attendance looked at her like…
…like how they usually look at her now. With a mixture of confusion, disbelief, and horror.
Let them eat Brexit
By the end of the day, May had quietly admitted the Brexit Dividend™ wasn’t real. She’d also put some clothes on, and retired to the Strangers’ Bar.
“Put it on my Brexit Dividend™,” she told the barman, after several sherries.
Not wanting to anger the drunken PM, the barman took his invisible pen out and made a note in his invisible notepad.
“I wish I was invisible,” May sighed in response.
There have been many questions since David Dimbleby announced he’s leaving Question Time. These questions include:
- Could his replacement be any worse?
- Does the Question Time format need a shakeup?
- Will the changes be paid for by the Brexit Dividend?
All of which have now been answered:
- It doesn’t exist, so no.
The proposed shake-up isn’t that big a change, however. Nigel Farage was on Question Time all the time anyway.
Nigel on Nigel
The new show will be called The Nigel Farage Hour with Nigel Farage. It will feature Nigel Farage taking questions from Nigel Farage, and will cover topics like Nigel Farage and former leaders of UKIP.
Other points of conversation will include:
- Exactly how glorious is Brexit?
- How much Russian collusion wasn’t there by Leave.EU?
- Why is the NHS so terrible and can we sell it off fast enough?
- Why do these leftists embarrass themselves by saying I look like a cross between a lizard and a walnut?
- Who should independent England declare war on first – Scotland or Gary Lineker?
Rather than having new audiences every week, the show will be watched by the famous ‘wall of gammon’:
Of course, it’s important the BBC remains balanced. That’s why Nigel Farage will also be taking over The Andrew Marr Show. That way you can see ol’ Lizard-nut first thing in the morning and last thing at night.
Theresa May has called back Harry Kane from Russia to defeat the saboteurs and deliver a patriotic Brexit
by Nye Jones
As MPs prepare for another Brexit showdown, Theresa May has got on the blower and summoned a surprising hero to save the country from this turmoil.
Captain fantastic. Leader of men. Harry Kane.
Wear the three lions with pride
It’s thought that May’s advisers were hugely impressed with Kane’s man of the match performance in England’s World Cup opener against Tunisia.
A Downing Street source told The Canary:
No one wants to take control of Brexit because it’s just too bloody difficult. What we need is someone to galvanise the troops, to lead a weak team from the front. People are tired of experts. They want passion – someone who will go sit in front of Barnier and wear the three lions with pride. Harry is the perfect man.
Not bogged down in facts
England manager Gareth Southgate was upset to lose his captain, but understood that some things are just more important:
The lads are gutted to lose Harry, but we all realise that the World Cup pales in comparison to delivering the Brexit people voted for. Harry told me he’s never heard of the customs union or even Northern Ireland, and that’s just what we need – someone whose patriotism isn’t bogged down in facts and repercussions.
And Brexit badboy Nigel Farage issued a statement while sitting in a Weatherpersons smoking area lighting cigars with twenty-pound notes and complaining that he’s broke:
I’m tired of remoaners who hate our country trying to sabotage mine and Moggy’s plan to turn Britain into a corporate tax haven. Kane’s a born finisher. When he sees a chance, he gets tunnel vision and takes it, regardless of the calamitous effect on the 99%.
It’s thought that Kane is assembling a crack team of patriotic types to help him, including ‘Tactics’ Tim Sherwood, Richard Keys, Andy Gray, and Big Sam Allardyce.
What is Brexit?
On the plane back to the motherland, Kane issued the following statement:
I’m delighted to get this opportunity and just want to do well for the country. I’ve heard that Brexit means Brexit. However, as I don’t know what Brexit means, that means little to me.
The Tories announced they’ll be giving the NHS some more money (that’s more money rather than enough money). There was some confusion about where this cash would come from though – with the following all being suggested:
- The magic money tree.
- The magic Brexit dividend.
- The magic tax on people who are already just about managing.
There was never any suggestion the Tories would undo years of tax cuts for the rich, however. The very same tax cuts that were funded by underfunding the NHS.
Wait, but why?
The question of why the tax cuts couldn’t just be reversed was put to Philip Hammond:
Err… I hadn’t thought about that actually. Give me one second.
Hammond then proceeded to call the five guys who own 250% of Britain’s wealth.
“No, it’s no good – they don’t want to give it back,” he explained. “Ironically, they say the extra dosh they’ve earned from those tax cuts would be enough to pay the NHS deficit a million times over. HA HA HA HA HA!”
Hammond was asked if this means we’re not actually ‘all in it together’.
“We’re certainly not all in the NHS,” he said disgustedly. “Ghastly place. And anyway, if these plebs don’t like being poor, how come they don’t have any cash? It’s baffling why they don’t just inherit some.”
The chancellor then walked away, whistling We’re in the Money.
Tory rebels rebelled against the government this week. Except…
…they didn’t. And the people we’re referring to as ‘rebels’ should more accurately be described as:
- Spineless, yellow-bellied weasels.
Off The Perch caught up with some of these so-called ‘rebels’ to ask them what they were rebelling against.
Rebel, not-so rebel
OTP: Hey, Dominic Grieve – what are you rebelling against?
DG: My own amendment, actually. In doing so, I’m sending a very clear message to myself – namely that anyone who crosses hard Brexit will have me to deal with. Even if said rebel is in fact me.
OTP: You’re right, that is very clear. And what are you rebelling against, Nicky Morgan?
NM: I’m rebelling against Theresa May being undermined by rebels like me.
OTP: You’re not really a rebel though, are you?
NM: Yes I am.
OTP: No, you’re not.
NM: Well, there’s no arguing with that.
OTP: Not for you there isn’t. And what are you rebelling against, Tom Tugendhat?
TT: I want to make sure people have a meaningful vote.
OTP: But you had a meaningful vote, and you used it to vote alongside the government.
TT: Oh yes. So I guess I’m just rebelling against other people having what I squandered.
OTP: Wonderful. Thanks a lot for your time.
After they’d finished talking to us, the Tory rebels went off and committed some more acts of rebellion. Namely by voting in line with all the other Tories; screwing the poor like all the other Tories, and being predictably loathsome like all the other Tories.
by John Ranson
Plans are afoot to remove Theresa May from the office of prime minister and imprison her in the Tower of London. And she’s only got herself to blame. Her curtsey to Prince William on 21 June was judged by royal protocol police to be neither deep nor long enough. Any day now, a ceremonial barge will transport May from Westminster down the Thames to the infamous ‘Traitor’s Gate’ at the Tower. Her punishment after that is uncertain. Kensington Palace hasn’t ruled out execution, but is more likely to impose a sentence of ten years welcoming tourists.
The offence took place at the opening of the new Defence and National Rehabilitation Centre. This facility will look after people wounded when the likes of May put them in harm’s way and the likes of William cheer them on. Because the UK is better at deploying troops than caring for them afterwards, the centre has been funded by tax-efficient generous donations from the hyper-rich.
May’s etiquette advisor, Letitia Febreze, explained the gaffe to Off The Perch:
Theresa got her geometry wrong. It’s hardly surprising. She’s more used to meeting the Queen, who’s literally about a third of the size of William. Also, I think her nerve went a bit. Not only was she facing William, the son of the son of the woman who can fire her, but there were military top brass and – to cap it all – Hugh ‘Babyface’ Grosvenor, who owns all the best bits of London. She spends an hour every day practising supplication, debasement and prostration, but on this occasion it just went wrong. I suppose it shows she’s human. [high-pitched laugh]
Get a grip
Staunch anti-monarchist Terry Chestnuts was less sympathetic:
May needs to get a grip. She’s the one who runs the country. Ha! Allegedly. What’s she doing acting all stupid for someone who just happens to be from a certain family? Doesn’t make any sense. I thought we got rid of all this sort of bollocks about a hundred years ago. But it seems not. Check out this mad twat festival on Pinterest.
As ever, Ken Chisel from the Institute of Criticism had something useful to add:
May’s contortions before royalty are designed to send a message: ‘This is the established order. Everyone has their place and should know it and act accordingly.’ She hopes that people will treat her like she treats the royals – with a respect that has nothing to do with what she does and everything to do with her job title. It’s pathetic really but she’s happy to act like a serf to the royals in the hope that people will act like serfs to her. Well I’m sorry, but I think the British people are past that.
On the second anniversary of Brexit, the Tories have found themselves in a generous mood. As such, they’ve expanded the list of people they have no generosity for. But weirdly, the latest addition to the ‘Fuck List’ is ‘businesses’.
Weirdly because it’s usually businesses that pay the Tories to fuck everyone else.
Off The Perch caught up with one of the businesses that’s in line for a fucking:
I don’t understand it. How could they possibly come for us?
I seem to remember they came for poor people, and we didn’t speak out, because we were too busy drinking champagne and shouting ‘CH-CHING!’
They came for the foreign people next, which was was a bit of a worry, because we employed some of them. Turned out you can still underpay them even if they are being marginalised though, so it was a win-win.
Next they went for that Brexit thing, and we thought ‘hang on a minute, what the fuck is this shit?’ Theresa May said we were still in charge, though, so we assumed it would all be fine.
Now it turns out May’s been telling everyone she speaks to that they’re in charge, and the Brexiteers think it means they can fuck us.
Who could have fucking predicted they’d turn on us?
Although indiscriminately fucking businesses might not seem like the best idea, it’s worth remembering something. The people in charge don’t care if a few businesses fail or a few thousand people lose their jobs, as long as they’re still the ones in charge.
And also, despite their name, the Conservatives just like fucking things.
The defence secretary Alan Partridge…
…I mean the defence secretary Gavin Williamson has threatened to topple the government. He plans on doing so in the most fiendish way possible. Namely, by letting May carry on exactly as is.
Back of the queue
Williamson is famous for allegedly putting May in power. Don’t think that’s his only claim-to-shame, though; he’s also had several other balls-ups. His latest being when he told the defence chiefs he’d topple the government if he wasn’t given an extra £20bn.
When Williamson arrived at Downing Street, he found there was a queue of other ministers. They were all there to threaten the government with collapse, and Williamson was sent to the back of the queue.
He was seen later and delivered his threat to May in person. The PM responded:
Is there any chance you could bring me down sooner? I’d quit right now, but all the people threatening me said I’m not allowed to until after they’ve made their move. When will these moves be made though, Gavin? WHEN!?
Some pundits have speculated that having every member of the government in open revolt is genius on May’s part. The theory is that the multiple rebellions cancel each other out – like three goons trying to walk through a doorway at the same time.
Obviously, this is why you can’t trust such pundits. Because if the Tory government spontaneously caught fire, they’d laud it as a genius plan to save money on heating bills.
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