And what a week it was!
A week in which Theresa May held Donald Trump’s hand again! A week in which she held his fucking hand again! And a week in which – for fuck’s sake – why do you keep holding his hand!? YOU’RE NOT A CHILD – YOU’RE THE PRIME MINISTER – HAVE SOME FUCKING DIGNITY!!!
But what else happened?
Let’s look back and see!
After two long years, the government has finally cobbled together a Brexit strategy. It may not be realistic, and it may not be very good, but it does at least exist.
One person who couldn’t tolerate it is former Brexit secretary Dave Davis – a man who embodies what Brexit is – a walking shambles with no discernable purpose.
Dave means Davis
Davis was known in the EU for his ‘antics’ – behaviour that EU counterparts described as ‘sado-moronic’.
At the first ever Brexit summit, Davis turned up with a rubber chicken that he insisted on squeezing repeatedly. At the second, he brought a child’s tricycle and rode around shouting the Benny Hill theme.
One meeting was so disturbing that it’s best described by his European counterpart:
Davis turned up with that big, stupid grin he had. We were wondering what nonsense he had planned for us next. We weren’t prepared for this. He just sat there punching himself in the groin for forty-five minutes – grinning as he did so.
When he was done, he told us not to worry because he was wearing a crotch guard. He dropped his trousers to show us, but there was no guard – just his incredibly swollen testicles.
It was harrowing. I still see him grinning down at them whenever I close my eyes.
What is it that makes your government hate Britain so much it would balls up your country’s future for this wildly unfunny farce?
Raab C. Brexit
Davis has been replaced by Dominic Raab. Raab is presumably up for following an actual plan. Although that’s not a good thing, as ‘Raab C. Brexit’ has already shown himself to be a dreadful human being.
Theresa May’s cabinet is in chaos.
And now it isn’t.
Now it is.
And now, the entire cabinet has fucked off, forcing May to round up people from the bus stop (which will at least make a nice change from ministers being rounded up from the gravy train).
Hard to keep up
It’s pretty much impossible to keep up with the government at the moment. And if you think it’s bad for you, how do you think May feels? Other than like an incompetent fraud, obviously.
To speed up the process, May has installed a revolving door and escape slide at Downing Street. Some are worried this doesn’t go far enough. That’s why every cabinet chair is also fitted with an ejector seat and parachute.
The ejector seats are working well, but they don’t solve the problem of getting new ministers in. That’s why Westminster has had a catapult installed to launch MPs directly into their new roles. A system which seems to be working well, although several MPs have unfortunately not been accidentally propelled into the Thames.
Strong and stable
In an attempt to reassure voters, May has come forward to say the uncertainty won’t affect her ability to lead:
I already had no leadership ability, so it’s business as usual at my end.
The UK invited a cartoon blimp to visit on Thursday 12 July. The problem is that some unruly protestors got wind of this and constructed a ridiculous orange airbag to spoil the day. This meant that…
…have I got that the right way around?
Which one’s the airbag and which one’s the blimp?
Ridiculous windbag confronts preposterous blimp pic.twitter.com/25wGuhV9hf
— John Shafthauer (@hourlyterrier) July 12, 2018
Oh, the humanity
Trump was stretching his legs at the American Embassy when he saw the blimp overhead.
“Hey, look at that big, dumb baby!” he said. “Is that guy trying to steal my big day? Look at him! SHOWBOAT! I see you! YOU WON’T STEAL MY BIG DAY, BABY!”
Trump began barking at the baby blimp – something he likes to do whenever he accidentally catches sight of himself in the mirror. When this failed to ground the balloon, the strong and stable genius had an idea.
If he’s flying, I’m flying too! How do I get to the roof?
The embassy staff tried to convince him this wasn’t a good idea. They didn’t try too hard, though, as they’d met the president before.
Give ‘em enough rope
Thankfully, Trump had tied a rope around his middle – wrongly thinking this was what made the helium doppelgänger float. This meant when he jumped off the roof, the rope pulled him back – causing him to crash through a window below.
The room he ended up in had a TV on that was showing a live feed of the president leaping off the embassy. When he saw himself, the upside down Trump began barking at the TV.
Still, though – there’s an outside chance he’ll give us a trade deal. You know – if he doesn’t pop in the meanwhile.
Theresa May has a very obvious plan for dealing with Donald Trump. Namely to bend over backwards for him. And also to bend further when he takes advantage of this. Which is:
The problem for May is the bending has finally gone too far.
She’ll be back
Thankfully, Trump didn’t notice. Primarily as he’s never seen the PM in any other position.
At a meeting earlier today, the president was seen resting his drinks on May’s stomach while shouting to Boris Johnson:
Hey Barry [sic], is she still your boss? Seriously? We call her ‘Mable’ at the White House! It’s like a cross between May and table! We have a lot of great goofs like that! You should come over and play some time!
Very good, Mr President. Now, if we could move on to talking about-
May was interrupted at this point by Trump placing a golf ball in her mouth.
“Hey, Barry!” he shouted over at Boris. “Watch me make this drive!”
We asked a doctor whether May will recover from this devastating back injury:
They should be able to snap her back into shape. She doesn’t actually have a spine, you see. Her body’s propped up by an old broom handle she got from the DUP.
Emperor Hadrian had a simple dream:
The Roman Empire is going to build a wall, and the Celts are paying for it!
Despite this mighty wall, a conniving orange migrant has somehow managed to slip into Scotland.
Speaking about the sudden influx of dangerous migrants, Nicola Sturgeon said:
These orange people are animals. Seriously. It’s an invasion. You should see how these people treat their women. And crime? Bigly these orange windbags do crime.
It’s a great shame. They’re coming over here to try and change the way we live. The sad fact is America just isn’t sending us its best people.
Sturgeon’s warning has proven true; the shifty, migrant chancer is trying to change the UK. So far, since getting here, he’s shown no regard for any of our traditions. That’s why he:
- Tried telling us diversity is ruining the country – despite being the offspring of migrants himself; being married to a migrant, and being a temporary migrant to the UK.
- Walked the prime minister around by the hand like a show pony.
- Accused the media of fake news for doing its job for once and accurately reporting what he said.
- Told Piers Morgan he’s a ‘journalist’, as opposed to a ‘sycophantic, turkey-faced bellend with the ignominious honour of being the one man too scummy for the British tabloids’.
BREAKING NEWS: I just finished a 30-minute interview with President Donald Trump aboard Air Force One.
It’s his only UK TV interview & will air on ITV exclusively on ITV. pic.twitter.com/4LC0qBtyUE
— Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) July 13, 2018
About the only tradition he upheld was acknowledging the protests against him made him feel “unwelcome”. No fucking shit, Sherlock. THEY WERE PROTESTING AGAINST YOU.
If we’d allowed this comb-over interloper to completely change our culture, we’d have detained him at the border, separated him from his children, and banged them all in a cage.
He doesn’t tell us to fear other cultures because he’s worried we’ll become like them, though. He does it because he’s worried we aren’t enough like him. A hateful, paranoid sociopath with all the charm, love, and humanity of a deflated basketball filled with rats.
Piers Morgan is known for two interview styles:
- SHOUTING AT HIS GUESTS SO NO ONE CAN TELL HOW OUT OF HIS DEPTH HE IS!
- Just letting Donald Trump get on with it.
As you can imagine, Morgan went with the second style when interviewing Trump.
Gammon and beg
Earlier in the week, Morgan castrated someone who planned on protesting Trump. He raged:
HOW CAN YOU PROTEST TRUMP WHEN YOU DIDN’T PROTEST EVERYONE ELSE!? HOW CAN YOU GIVE ONE PERSON A TOUGH RIDE IF YOU DON’T GIVE EVERYONE A TOUGH RIDE? HMM!? YOU CAN’T ANSWER THAT, CAN YOU!? YOU CAN’T ANSWER BECAUSE I’M SHOUTING!
Despite his insistence that everyone must be given the same treatment, he didn’t shout over Trump. Instead, Morgan quite literally melted into a puddle and said:
Mmm, I’m a puddle now. You can just walk all over me and have a splash about. Ask yourself questions if you like, I won’t stop you.
To be fair to Morgan, it’s not completely his fault that he’s in this position. He’s shown himself to be one of the worst journalists this country has ever produced, and yet television networks keep employing him.
At this point, it’s like employing the guy who rubs himself against shoes to work in a shoe store. He’s a known shoe rubber. If you don’t want him rubbing against shoes, stop giving him a job.
The fact they do shows exactly how much they care about selling non-spoiled shoes.
– Join The Canary, so we can keep holding the powerful to account.
Featured image via Chris McAndrew – Wikimedia / US Department of State – Wikimedia / Russell James Smith – Wikimedia / US Air Force / Think London – Wikimedia / YouTube / Gage Skidmore – Flickr / Pexels / EU2017EE – Flickr / Lunar Dragoon – Wikimedia / DonkeyHotey – Flickr / Gage Skidmore – Flickr / Jeff Buck – Geograph / YouTube [Images were altered]