The week in satire Vol. #80
And what a week it was!
A week in which fascists raised their ugly heads! A week in which interviewers did their best to book these ugly mugs! And a week in which the general public continued to wonder what the fuck has gone wrong with the media!
But what else happened?
Let’s look back and see:
Army on standby to deliver Brexiteer propaganda post-Brexit
Plans have been drawn up for the possibility of a no-deal Brexit. This could see the army delivering vital British necessities – like food, fuel, medicine, and tweets about what a nob Piers Morgan is.
Brexiteers have petitioned to add something else to this list – namely, propaganda that insists the Brex-apocalypse is actually quite good.
Read on...
Keep calm and Brexit on
Prominent Brexiteers have insisted that the following messages should be delivered with people’s rations:
- Project Fear said we’d be eating pig anuses post-Brexit. The reality is they’re cow. Brexit wins again!
- You don’t need petrol to get to work when the factory you worked at moved to Poland, am I right?
- Medicine is for snowflakes. In the old days, they’d saw your leg off and all you had to take your mind off it was a slice of tangerine. Look forward to all that and more with the brand new Privatised Health Service!
- Most of the food we can’t get anymore was foreign anyway. You know who else was foreign? Hitler.
- We survived WWII, so we can get through this. Many people didn’t survive WWII, obviously, but the important people did. It will be the same with Brexit. Anyway – enjoy your cow anuses!
Blitzed spirit
We spoke to someone who’s been at the business end of this Brexit propaganda. He reports good results:
I was unsure about Brexit, but then a soldier turned up and told me at gunpoint it’s going really well. So that’s a weight off my mind.
Fresh gaffe as Chinese diplomats mistake some random idiot for Jeremy Hunt
On 30 July, Jeremy Hunt somehow managed to describe his Chinese wife as “Japanese”. That wasn’t where the mix-ups ended, however. Not long afterwards, some random idiot found himself mistaken for Hunt.
The Hunt becomes the shunted
The berk in question was one of those handkerchief-wearing Gumbys from Monty Python.
The Gumby allegedly escaped from John Cleese’s basement and fled to China. The Chinese diplomats came across the brain-dead dolt and found themselves completely unable to tell the difference between him and the foreign secretary.
The Gumby said to them:
I! WOULD! LIKE! TO! SELL! YOU! JAM!
Hearing this, the diplomats assumed it was Hunt. Largely as he’d said the exact same thing to them the day before.
Suspicious minds
After a few hours, the Chinese politicians began to suspect the Gumby wasn’t actually a Conservative politician. Namely as he said things like:
MY! BRAIN! IS! VERY! TOILET!
and:
AUSTERITY! IS! A! LOAD! OF! SAUSAGE!
and:
THE! BORDER! IN! NORTHERN! IRELAND! CAN’T! BE! SOLVED! WITH! WISHFUL! DAFFODILS!
All three of these statements showed a level of self-awareness that’s obviously lacking in Tory politicians.
Pants
The Chinese diplomats later found the real Hunt. He’d become trapped in his hotel room’s trouser press. He hadn’t realised you’re supposed to take the trousers off first.
When he was freed, Hunt said to them:
MY! TROUSERS! ARE! VERY! JAPANESE!
This wasn’t right, Hunt realised, so he promptly corrected himself.
SORRY! I! MEAN! MY! TROUSERS! ARE! ON! FIRE!
Far-right scammers wondering what to do with 10,000 ‘#FreeTommy’ T-shirts
Tommy Robinson being sent to prison was the best thing to happen to the far right since Nigel Farage shaved his moustache.
"I think that politics needs a bit of spicing up" pic.twitter.com/FwCn8roVPQ
— Farage's Moustache (@NigelMoustache) August 12, 2016
All that’s fucked now, as the courts have released him on bail.
Far-shite
Immediately after Robinson was sent down, a cottage industry emerged around the #FreeTommy movement. This saw far-right shitheads raking in money hand over fist – selling items like:
- #FreeTommy T-shirts.
- #FreeTommy badges.
- #FreeTommy dungarees.
- Henry Hoovers with Tommy’s face drawn on the front.
- ‘Tickle-me-Tommy’ dolls that said phrases like, “You can’t even risk a mistrial in this country anymore!” and “Send money to my crowdfunder!”
- #FreeTommy jackboots.
Tommy’s release leaves the sellers of this tat up shit creek. The upside is they do have paddles. The downside is no one wants to buy a paddle with a #FreeTommy logo on it.
Folk wails
Perhaps the most inconvenienced person of all is Katie Hopkins.
Hopkins was in the middle of recording a folk concept album called Tommy (But Not the One About Pinball). She’d even taught herself how to play the lute and sing in what one listener described as:
A hideous falsetto – a sound like an angry cat fellating a firework.
Still, though, there’s hope for them on the horizon. Tommy is out on a technicality, and he’s already admitted committing contempt. He could potentially even get a longer stretch when he’s re-sentenced.
As such, expect to see #FreeTommy turkeys in time for Christmas.
REVEALED! Right-wingers gag their mouths because they talk out of their arses anyway
There’s a long tradition of right-wingers taping their mouths shut to claim they’ve had their free speech curtailed. It’s now been revealed how they carry on talking despite this self-gagging.
Arse
Despite constantly having duct tape over their mouths, right-wingers have been managing to give lengthy speeches on how:
You can’t say anything these days!
The recently released scumbag Stephen Yaxley-Lennon (trading as Tommy Robinson™) was on the news with a bunch of socks in his mouth talking about this very thing. But how did he manage it?
It was suspected that the right had learnt how to throw their voices ventriloquist-style. But the truth was revealed when former BNP leader Nick Griffin was spotted speaking while eating a doner kebab. Using advanced audio-placement technology, scientists were able to discern that the words were coming out of his arse.
Gag
Generally, these people aren’t actually having their speech prevented. They tell you that they’re told:
You’re not allowed to say that, and now you’re going to prison, you bad egg!
The reality is almost always that someone says:
You’re a proper bellend for saying that. What a bellend you are. Why are you such a fucking bellend?
As such, it’s not that they’re worried they can’t say things; it’s that they’re worried that others can criticise them for it. They use the idea of an existential threat to free speech as a Trojan horse to go after actual free speech.
So remember, even when it looks like their lips are moving, that isn’t where their words are coming from.
No deal Brexit ‘the only one I know how to achieve’, admits Liam Fox’
The disgraced former defence secretary Liam Fox famously said a post-Brexit trade deal would be the “easiest in history”. He’s now saying a no-deal Brexit is the most likely.
So what changed?
According to the man himself:
I… err… may not have looked into this whole Brexit thing before the referendum.
Or during.
Or since.
Best laid plans
Before Brexit, Fox and his buddy Dave Davis drew up a list of what they wanted from Brexit. This list included:
- A cracking trade deal.
- Return of the British Empire.
- Brand new series of Only Fools and Horses.
- Genetically modified bulldogs with the face and wit of Winston Churchill.
- A thousand years of Tory rule.
In the first round of talks, the EU made it clear they weren’t in a position to offer any of this. It then began talking about things like trading blocs and customs unions. It was at this point that the Brexiteers lost interest.
No deal or no deal
Fox explained that the benefits of a no-deal Brexit are:
- He just about understands how to achieve it.
- It should be quick to arrange.
- He won’t have to attend any more boring meetings about the Irish border.
Several economists have said the downsides of a no-deal Brexit would be many. They’re not sure how many, as they haven’t finished writing them all out yet.
They started the list last week.
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Featured image via DVIDSHUB – Wikimedia / NHS Confederation – Flickr / Daderot – Wikimedia / YouTube / YouTube / Tech. Sgt. Michele A. Desrochers – Wikimedia [IMAGE WAS ALTERED]
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