The week in satire Vol. #81

And what a week it was!

A week in which Boris Johnson kicked up a stink! A week in which the right-wing press smelled Johnson’s stink and decided to rub themselves in it! And a week in which the country really started to smell!

But what else happened?

Let’s look back and see:

Centrists plan to overthrow Corbyn by miraculously becoming popular

by John Shafthauer

Despite their previous coups all failing, the Labour centrists are allegedly planning to topple Corbyn again. There’s just one problem: nobody fucking wants them.

Oh, and several other problems, too – all of which we’ll get into now.

Read on...

Things can only get better

To be fair, the Labour ‘moderates’ do have several things going for them:

• Millionaire backers.
• Nice suits.
• Unlimited media exposure.
• Expensive haircuts.
• A complete lack of shame.

None of this makes up for the following:

• They don’t have any ideas beyond “whatever Corbyn is, that’s what we’re not”.
• They’re really bad at coups.
• No one wants to vote for their platform, because there’s no platform to vote for.

Their position is actually worse now than when they launched the disastrous Chicken Coup. Back then, they controlled the party’s internal structures at least. Now, the only thing they have any say over is whose turn it is to go on the Andrew Marr Show.

Fresh new ideas

Admittedly, the plotters do have a few new ideas. Or one new idea, anyway. Said idea being:

• Come up with a set of policies so radically un-radical it makes everyone magically fall in love with centrism.

So far, the only new policies they’ve concocted are:

• A gluten-free minimum wage.
• A new bank holiday called ‘Tony Blair Day’.
• Some sort of expensive military quagmire in the Middle East.

As such, expect to see Nu New Labour in power some time between now and never.

Boris Johnson refuses to apologise for ‘acting like’ a massive c**t

by John Shafthauer

Boris Johnson – who has frequently been accused of ‘acting’ like a cunt – is in the headlines again. The difference this time is he’s been accused of acting like a massive cunt.

Johnson is refusing to apologise for his behaviour. Not because he disagrees with the accusation. Simply because being a massive cunt is what pays the bills.

Johnson at large

Many people have reasonable arguments for disliking the burqa. Johnson’s argument was:

I dunno, they look like ninjas or some shit.

He further added:

How am I – the man behind Vote Leave – supposed to trust someone when they’re all covered up like that?

And:

I’m not saying we should have a race war, but I am saying the words ‘race war’ and blowing this dog whistle I have quite loudly.

And also:

It’s about time we refocused on BRITISH values. If that’s not obvious enough, please understand that I’m pointing at my own pasty white skin when I say the word BRITISH.

Leadership

Theresa May responded by saying:

Boris Johnson should apologise for being a massive cunt. We’ve worked very hard to make people think we’re not just a toxic shower of twats. We’ve worked less hard since getting into power, obviously, but still – Johnson’s just taking the piss.

Johnson still refused to say sorry, leaving May flapping like a stranded fish. When she asked if he was sure he didn’t want to apologise, Johnson said:

“I’ve been getting away with it for decades: why stop now?”

Poll shows that people who are a bit racist don’t find Boris Johnson racist

by John Shafthauer

It’s perfectly possible to criticise face veils without being racist. But instead of doing that, Boris Johnson decided to say the women wearing them look like ‘bank robbers’ and “letter boxes”. People thought this was racist because:

• It was said by a man with a history of making racist comments.
• It was said at a time when Muslim women are being harassed and assaulted in the streets.
• It was said in a country where the idea that Muslim women look like “letter boxes” is literally a far-right meme.

Still though, why explain the nuance of this when we can just do a poll and see what the famously well-informed British public think?

Poll in it together

A poll found that 60% of those asked didn’t think Johnson’s comments were racist. This is the very same British public who – on more than one occasion – voted for Boris Johnson to be in a position of power.

We spoke to a guy from the polling company to find out the purpose of polls:

Nobody knows about everything. Even a genius like Einstein probably knew nothing about bowling shoes or acorns. Despite that, people feel encouraged to have a strong opinion about everything.

This means you can use polls as a counterpoint to things like reason, logic, and evidence. This allows the media to give a more balanced picture. A balance between people who know what they’re talking about and everybody else.

Benefits

Of course, there is a counter argument for this sort of polling. It comes from a poll I conducted myself in which 70% of the five people I asked said their opinions are dynamite and deserve to be listened to.

So there we have it.

‘Challenging our racism is racism’, shout racist white racists

by John Shafthauer

When Boris Johnson said women in burkas look like “bank robbers”, there was a backlash. A few days later, it became clear who the real victims were: middle-aged white people who write newspaper columns bashing Muslims.

Commentary

The columnist Tod Piddle had this to say:

There’s a real hostile environment in this country. I was minding my own business the other day – writing a well-paid column that’s read by millions – when some Twitter stranger called me a ‘massive pie’.

All I’d done was write hundreds of articles over a seven year period suggesting Muslims are a race of sub-human demon people. Whatever happened to free speech?

Liberty

Of course, it’s true you can’t say anything these days. Just look at Boris Johnson. While foreign secretary, he said all sorts of problematic things. And look what happened to him! He quit of his own volition without ever being reprimanded.

Hmm, that might not be the best example, actually.

You get the point, anyway. People in public life should be free to say whatever they like without being called bad words on Twitter. If the things they say lead to real life Muslims being attacked on the streets, then that’s a small price to pay.

Again though, it’s important that free speech advocates aren’t called names online. Free speech is great and all, but let’s not take the piss.

Tories at the crossroads between hateful incompetence and full-blown fascism

by John Shafthauer

Boris Johnson is manoeuvring to become the next prime minister. His plan involves rallying the UKIP/scumbag vote by playing to their fear of Muslims. This divided the Tories into two main camps:

1. Those who think Johnson is a racist scumbag.
2. Those who agree he’s racist, but don’t mind because they are too.

This put the Conservative Party at a real crossroads. Will it continue with the hate-driven incompetence of the past decade? Or will it move up a gear into full-blown fascism?

Split

Theresa May fought her case:

People in this country don’t want obvious prejudice. They want implied racism, and structural inequality. They also want a government that isn’t afraid to create a hostile yet incompetent environment.

Johnson countered:

I’m as liberal as they come. All I’m saying is these foreign types are a bit different than us. If people hear me saying that and interpret it as agreement with the fascists who say pretty much exactly the same thing, then that’s on them.

Vote 

Of course, there’s an alternative to these competing styles of Conservatism. Namely in voting for somebody else. There should be a chance soon if the pattern of the past few years holds up. After all, we haven’t had an election in weeks.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

– Join The Canary, so we can keep holding the powerful to account.

Featured image via Rwendland – Wikimedia / Bundesministerium für Europa, Integration und Äußeres – Wikimedia / Mohammad Hassanzadeh – Wikimedia / Max Pixel / Hampel Kunstauktionen – Wikimedia / Public Domain Pictures / Free Stock Photos / Think London – Wikimedia / UK Home Office – Wikimedia [IMAGE WAS ALTERED]