It’s been a big week for Piers Morgan. First came International Men’s Day, which meant he had to spend 24 hours talking about how women want to castrate him or some shit. Then he told young women they needed to try harder to earn his respect because that’s something they should want for some reason.
His constant drive for attention at any cost has thankfully diminished, though – much like the man himself.
Honey, I shrank the twat
Susanna Reid explained what happened:
Piers was blathering on when I caught sight of a tube of Anusol that Barry Manilow had accidentally left behind. I noticed that it promised to ‘shrink inflamed arseholes’. Looking at my co-host, I wondered what would happen if I put some on him.
To cut a long story short – very short, in this instance – the salve worked. As soon as I rubbed it on Piers’s gammony face, he immediately began to shrink.
Read on...Support us and go ad-free
Speaking through a megaphone, Morgan claimed (in a very squeaky voice):
This is women’s plan for all men! First they came for me; next it could be you!
Reid denied this, pointing at the Anusol and saying:
It only works on massive rectums, see?
So it turns out we can diminish the volume of arseholes in the media without simultaneously banishing all white men.
Do your bit for independent journalism
Did you know that less than 1.5% of our readers contribute financially to The Canary? Imagine what we could do if just a few more people joined our movement to achieve a shared vision of a free and fair society where we nurture people and planet.
We need you to help out, if you can.
When you give a monthly amount to fund our work, you are supporting truly independent journalism. We hold power to account and have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence the counterpoint to the mainstream.
You can count on us for rigorous journalism and fearless opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right wing mainstream media.
In return you get:
- Advert free reading experience
- Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
- 20% discount from our shop