Piers Morgan shrinks following application of Anusol
It’s been a big week for Piers Morgan. First came International Men’s Day, which meant he had to spend 24 hours talking about how women want to castrate him or some shit. Then he told young women they needed to try harder to earn his respect because that’s something they should want for some reason.
His constant drive for attention at any cost has thankfully diminished, though – much like the man himself.
Honey, I shrank the twat
Susanna Reid explained what happened:
Piers was blathering on when I caught sight of a tube of Anusol that Barry Manilow had accidentally left behind. I noticed that it promised to ‘shrink inflamed arseholes’. Looking at my co-host, I wondered what would happen if I put some on him.
To cut a long story short – very short, in this instance – the salve worked. As soon as I rubbed it on Piers’s gammony face, he immediately began to shrink.
Speaking through a megaphone, Morgan claimed (in a very squeaky voice):
This is women’s plan for all men! First they came for me; next it could be you!
Reid denied this, pointing at the Anusol and saying:
It only works on massive rectums, see?
So it turns out we can diminish the volume of arseholes in the media without simultaneously banishing all white men.
Featured image via Aqua Mechanical – Flickr / Pete Riches – Wikimedia (IMAGES WERE ALTERED)
- For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.
We know everyone is suffering under the Tories - but the Canary is a vital weapon in our fight back, and we need your support
The Canary Workers’ Co-op knows life is hard. The Tories are waging a class war against us we’re all having to fight. But like trade unions and community organising, truly independent working-class media is a vital weapon in our armoury.
The Canary doesn’t have the budget of the corporate media. In fact, our income is over 1,000 times less than the Guardian’s. What we do have is a radical agenda that disrupts power and amplifies marginalised communities. But we can only do this with our readers’ support.
So please, help us continue to spread messages of resistance and hope. Even the smallest donation would mean the world to us.
Leave a ReplyYou must be logged in to leave a comment.Join the conversation
Please read our comment moderation policy here.