And what a week it was!
A week in which… fuck me… this is not a functional country anymore.
Let’s just get straight into it:
When the Tories started inflicting their brutal austerity programme, people asked why.
Are the Tories just inhuman monsters?
Are they simply looking out for their rich mates?
Do they actually think increasing poverty will revitalise an economy that’s driven by spending?
No – it turned out they just wanted more foodbanks in the country for Christmas photo opportunities.
— Michael H. (@MichaelH14) December 1, 2018
Off The Perch visited a foodbank as Tory MP Dominic Sidemouth turned up for his photo op. The awful man had brought several canisters of salt with him that he liberally tossed at people.
“Here’s salt in your wounds, you fucking peasants!” Sidemouth bellowed, as he laughed and quaffed his foul smelling eggnog.
When someone pointed out they didn’t have a wound, the MP took his penknife out and scored the man’s arm.
“You’ve got one now!” Sidemouth bellowed. “And you’re also an ugly fucker! How’s that for adding insult to injury?”
He then proceeded to pour salt into the minor wound he’d just inflicted.
This particular story ended well, thankfully. As the gleeful Sidemouth left the foodbank, none other than Santa Claus himself flew overhead.
“I’ve made a list, dickhead!” the jolly Saint Nick shouted. “I’ve checked it twice! And guess who’s been naughty not nice?”
The festive deity then pelted Sidemouth with coal until the MP dissolved into slime. And although it didn’t stop any of his colleagues, it is at least a nice image to end on.
Theresa May promised us strength and stability. She’s certainly delivered on that last front, with a consistent string of high profile defeats:
As Prime Minister Tony Blair, Gordon Brown and David Cameron lost a total 16 votes in the Commons in a 19 year period.
Theresa May has lost 18 in the last 14 months alone.
— Shehab Khan (@ShehabKhan) December 4, 2018
None of those defeats were as strong as the ones she suffered last night, though.
Strength in blunders
May lost three votes in a row. The votes were on:
- A government amendment to weaken the cross-party contempt motion (a contemptible plan from our contemptible PM).
- Actually holding the government in contempt (something the public have done for ages, but parliament had yet to catch up on).
- An amendment to give Parliament power if / when May’s Brexit agreement is rejected (power being something the government struggled to hand over, as it no longer had any).
With three losses under her belt, May’s stability could not be questioned. But when it came to the strength part, the BBC had some legwork to do:
The first 10 minutes of #Newsnight tonight was sheer madness. A shameless attempt to claim that while today might have LOOKED like a catastrophic humiliation for Theresa May's government, actually galaxy brain, it was a really good day for her because, y'know, reasons.
— Ally Fogg (@AllyFogg) December 4, 2018
I'd probably have framed this as:
'Desperate opportunists scrabble to save careers'
But hey, I don't work at a public broadcaster so widely disregarded that it had to back out of hosting a Brexit debate by public demand pic.twitter.com/UteVSxzVT3
— John Shafthauer (@johnshafthauer) December 5, 2018
Although May’s terribleness has now reached pretty much unprecedented levels, that’s okay, because so has the BBC’s. That’s why it’s been churning out stuff on why yesterday might work in her favour. It’s also why it’s been asking:
- Will Jeremy Corbyn resign over May’s historic defeat?
- What does Lynn the vicar have to say about all this?
- Will Jeremy Corbyn resign over what Lynn the vicar had to say about May’s historic defeat?
So that’s our PM. Allegedly strong and stably terrible.
Oxford and Cambridge universities are world famous, and have produced some of the world’s greatest minds. On the other hand, they’ve also produced many people who’ve done untold damage to the UK. Damage that’s greater than the combined impact of:
- Uncooked chicken.
- The Daleks.
- All of those wars we had (especially as many of them were started by Oxbridge graduates).
A recent survey – weighing up the impact of their graduates – suggests these unis might overall be a bit shit.
The person who conducted the survey noted that:
For every Nobel winning scientist, you have fifteen Tory politicians with more expenses violations than sense. These people demonstrably aren’t smart – they just had rich parents and access to the Old Boy’s Club.
To prove this we put Toby Young, David Cameron, and Boris Johnson in a maze to see if they could escape before the rats did. Rather than trying to get out, the Oxbridge graduates called their mates at the Daily Mail and asked them to run a story claiming these rats were a bit communist.
They then went to sleep and awaited rescue from their parents’ helicopters.
It came out on 7 December that Oxbridge get most of their applicants from just eight schools. Rather than trying to widen that net, maybe it’s time to elevate the status of universities that aren’t dredging up so many bottom feeders?
Jeremy Corbyn has come under heavy fire yet again for giving a shit about poor people.
As any cabinet member worth their salt will tell you, It’s simply not cricket to go banging on about any of the following:
• The working poor.
• The unable-to-work poor.
• Universal Credit.
• The UN special rapporteur on poverty.
• Anything that is actually affecting everyday life for ordinary people.
This is because none of those things are real issues. What matters is who wants to do the hokey-cokey with Theresa May and how long we can keep talking about Brexit. (Hint: The government’s hoping we can keep going until everyone solves the problem of poverty in the UK by simply standing in a puddle and sticking a fork in a wall socket.)
All for charity
Off The Perch asked Tory MP Henry Buggery-Smythe for comment, but he was busy standing on a table at a foodbank warding off a mob of angry poor people with a tin of baked beans. “I was only in it for the photo op”, he shouted. “Back, you savages!”
A shadowy figure who looked a bit like an evil hypnotist sent his nanny out to talk to us. She looked at us with dead eyes and said:
Poor people don’t really exist.
Then she attempted to hit us repeatedly and mechanically with a silver-topped cane.
Cabinet minister Edwin Draab said something. But nobody really paid any attention, because nothing he says makes sense. And in any case, he probably won’t be a cabinet minister by tomorrow.
Clear as mud
We also tried to ask the prime minister for a comment on poverty in the UK, but she laughed so hard at the question that tears rolled down her cheeks. When she got herself under control, she said “let me be clear” and then proceeded to mutter incoherently about ‘peasants’. When we said “pardon?” she screeched:
At least I’m here answering questions!
And then she started laughing again. So that’s cleared that up, then.
Meanwhile, people in Britain continue to be poor and to struggle to live under the crushing weight of austerity. But that’s probably just because they’re too stupid to inherit vast sums of money from their parents – or make it by selling weapons to totalitarian regimes.
France’s President Macron is probably the world’s most famous centrist. But what is ‘centrism’? Allegedly, it’s finding the middle ground between two extremes. Most recently, Macron found the centre-ground between shooting/not shooting children:
School children in France held under gun-point for protesting
The Centrist paradise that we were told Macron would provide seems not to be coming true.pic.twitter.com/2izxB7ZoiI
— The Pileus (@thepileus) December 7, 2018
The protests in France originally began because of an increase to diesel prices. Obviously fuel emissions need to be dealt with, but how do you reconcile these two positions?
THE LEFT: Reduce carbon emissions.
THE RIGHT: Burn anything we can make money from.
Well, if you’re a sensible moderate, you:
MACRON: Reduce poor people’s carbon emissions.
The problem is that France – like most countries – is split into two societies: the rich and everyone else. These two societies have competing demands. Thankfully, Macron found the path between these two absurdities:
THE POOR: Tax the rich.
THE RICH: Don’t tax the rich.
MACRON: Tax the poor.
Obviously the political right are very big on society-crushing austerity, too. They just crush people in a less moderate fashion than the centrists do.
Divide and centre
Macron is faced with an impossible world dominated by fringe opinions like:
THE LEFT: Equalise society so we can tackle climate change together.
THE RIGHT: Divide society even further so we can underpay peasants to fuck the planet for us.
Thank god France has a reasonable chap like Macron to find the practical middle:
MACRON: Tax cuts for the companies driving climate change: lectures about environmentalism for everyone else.
There’s been some very good journalism looking at alleged Russian interference in the EU referendum and US election. The problem is many people now believe the outcome of those events can solely be attributed to Russia. A problem which ignores that decades of failing capitalism meant a feather could have tipped us towards barbarism by 2016.
One of the increasing number of people who thinks Russia is responsible for everything is Twitter user Mike Middlemarch. Off The Perch caught up with him to find out more:
OTP: The US voted for Trump after Obama failed to hold the bankers to account; the UK voted for Brexit following years of austerity; France broke out in violence after decades of worsening living conditions. Do you think alleged Russian interference would have had any impact if those societies weren’t already failing?
MM: Ah, I see what you’re saying.
OTP: You do?
MM: Yes – you’re saying that Russia caused the 2008 banking crash in order to kick start austerity. But how?
OTP: No – that’s not what I’m-
MM: I’ve got it! They used Myspace.
OTP: You think Russia used Myspace to make global banks run amok with people’s finances?
MM: And then they closed it down – the perfect crime.
OTP: But Myspace still exists.
MM: To avoid suspicion. Very clever.
OTP: Umm… let’s move on. We know that wealthy countries – including our own – regularly dick about in other countries’ democracies. If we investigate Russian interference, should we also investigate our own behaviour?
MM: I’m not sure we have interfered in other countries, to be honest. I think that’s a conspiracy peddled by Russia Today and Lily Allen.
OTP: So, presumably you also don’t think that NATO expanding its forces along the Russian border may have soured relations?
MM: Ah-ha! I knew you were a Russian apologist when I saw your Twitter handle didn’t have a string of bewildering initialisations at the end of it.
OTP: I’m not so much apologising for Russia’s behaviour – which is awful – as drawing attention to our own – which is also awful.
Twitter is ruining people’s brains
The interview broke down at this point, with Middlemarch accusing us of being “Russian bots”. He proceeded to shout the word “BLOCKED!” at everyone in the room, and became very upset when he could still see us.
He did try to leave, but tripped over his own untied shoelaces. After falling over, he glared at his improperly secured footwear and screamed:
God damn you, Russia!
Featured image via Kure – Wikimedia / Dubravko Soric – Wikimedia / Mills Baker – Flickr / Chris McAndrew – Wikimedia / YouTube / World Economic Forum – Wikimedia / Robert Couse-Baker/wikimedia and Screengrab / screengrab / Official Leweb Photos – Wikimedia /Public Domain Pictures (IMAGES WERE ALTERED)
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