And what a week it was!
The last week of the year! Well, the last week of the political year, anyway! Certainly the last week that I’m working, which is fortunate, because it was the dumbest week of the past 12 months!
But what happened?
Theresa May is warning that a second referendum could completely undermine the trust that exists between her government and… the one guy left who trusts it.
He’s called Mike Carmichael, and Off The Perch caught up with him.
OTP: So Mike – we’ll ask what everyone is wondering, and that’s why?
MC: Why what?
OTP: Why do you trust May still? Or at all?
MC: I just think she’s dead good.
We laughed awkwardly at this point – assuming ‘dead good’ was a pun on her brain-dead, zombie politics. The laughter ceased when it became clear he wasn’t joking.
OTP: You think she’s ‘dead-good’? What has she ever done that’s even remotely good?
MC: I just like her style.
OTP: What ‘style’? The way she endlessly repeats the same slogans? The way she never answers a fucking question? Or maybe the way she backtracks on pretty much everything she sets out to do?
MC: She just looks like a proper person, you know?
OTP: She is a fucking person! Being a person is literally the least you could expect from a prime minister!
MC: Yeah, but you couldn’t do it like her, though.
OTP: Do what?
MC: Exactly. She does it so well you can’t even put your finger on what she’s doing. But, saying that, if she calls a second referendum, then I’m finished with the bastard.
To be fair to May, a lot of the country will feel betrayed if the original decision is reversed.
BUT MAYBE THE TORIES SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THAT BEFORE HOLDING A REFERENDUM ON SOMETHING THEY DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO DELIVER?
Look – everyone hates Theresa May’s Brexit deal, and they’re going to vote against it. That’s why MPs warned her:
You’d better not kick it into the long grass!
May laughed at this, and said:
Oh, don’t worry – I won’t kick it into the long grass.
She then picked up her Brexit deal and ran off, leaving MPs to rub their foreheads and say:
She’s heading for the fucking wheat again, isn’t she?
As we all know, the naughtiest thing May has ever done (besides austerity / the hostile environment / the 2017 election / etc) is run through a field of wheat. And that’s exactly where she headed with her Brexit plan.
“Come out and let us vote on it, you silly bastard!” MPs shouted.
Shan’t! I’m going to stay in here for another month, and then you’ll all do what I want!
“No we fucking won’t!” the MPs assured her.
Well then, I guess I’ll just have to run back into the long wheat until you do!
“Do you even know what you want!?” they asked. “Because it seems a lot like you have no idea!”
In response to her haters, May blew the longest raspberry ever blown by a sitting prime minister. The BBC managed to put a positive spin on this – reporting:
DEFIANT PM REFUSES TO BACK DOWN
A headline which should have read:
USELESS FUCKING IDIOT WON’T STOP
It’s predicted that no-deal Brexit could result in shortages of water/medicine/society. There’s one thing we won’t run out of, though, as we’ve been stockpiling it for decades.
That thing is prominent idiots who misunderstand important issues for money:
The media is good because it allows the country to hear from people who actually understand things. Or it would be, if that’s how we used it. Why would we, though, when we could instead hear Julia Hartley-Brewer ridicule something she overheard two people talking about in a Waitrose queue?
It’s like encyclopaedias – the books nobody likes, because they’re filled with useful information. Imagine if we got rid of all that, and filled each one with Nigel Farage’s used toilet paper? That would be much better, and it’s why radio stations like LBC exist.
But what if we ever run out of these vital sources of hot air? Thankfully, the Brexit minister has a solution.
The twilight clones
The government took Off The Perch to a secret research facility. There, the minister showed us 80 vats – each of which contained a clone of Piers Morgan. He boasted that the clones had a combined IQ of 78.
“There’s a worry that after no-deal Brexit people might begin eating the idiots who sold them this tripe”, a government scientist told us. “That’s why we need some backups.”
Unfortunately, an accident led to the clones being defrosted. It turned out the government ‘scientists’ were all just work experience kids in lab coats. Largely because Daily Mail columnists said Britain is sick of experts, and the government hired accordingly.
Earlier in the year, Boris Johnson penned an article that many deemed to be ‘racist’ against Muslim women. Some celebrities disagreed, but then racists repeated his ‘letterbox’ comments while racially abusing women.
But were these comments, which racists repeated in a racist context, actually racist?
According to an ‘independent panel’, the answer is… you guessed it!
Read my lips
The legal panel had access to video footage of Johnson writing the article. According to the Tories who’ve seen it – all of whom are expert lip readers – Johnson repeatedly said the words:
This has been disputed, with others suggesting he said:
It turned out the expert lip readers couldn’t agree, which means everyone should just believe whatever they want in an incredibly confident fashion.
Responding to being let off the hook, Johnson himself said:
I’m happy to hear that this independent panel of racists… err… I mean independent panel of judges has made the right decision. They were right to acknowledge that I was being satirical. Largely because it sets precedent, and means we can forever hold our hands up and say, ‘it’s just satire, you plebeian donkey fuckers – everything we say is just satire’.
Following this statement, Johnson proceeded to egg on a nearby gang of droogs who were committing a hate crime. Although he was encouraging them in a ‘satirical’ way, it could lead to another inquiry. In which case, expect it to report back just after parliament breaks in December 2019.
Merry Christmas, from the Tory party!
Do your bit for independent journalism
Did you know that less than 1.5% of our readers contribute financially to The Canary? Imagine what we could do if just a few more people joined our movement to achieve a shared vision of a free and fair society where we nurture people and planet.
We need you to help out, if you can.
When you give a monthly amount to fund our work, you are supporting truly independent journalism. We hold power to account and have weathered many attempts to shut us down and silence the counterpoint to the mainstream.
You can count on us for rigorous journalism and fearless opposition to an increasingly fascist government and right wing mainstream media.
In return you get:
- Advert free reading experience
- Behind the scenes monthly e-newsletter
- 20% discount from our shop