And what a week it was!
A week in which something, something Brexit! A week in which Brexit blah, blah, blah! And a week in which fuck all moved forwards again!
But what else happened?
Let’s look back and see:
Jeremy Corbyn was egged on 3 March. Or was he?
Understand that the incident with Jeremy Corbyn today is a little more serious than originally reported. No egg was thrown but a man is alleged to have hit Corbyn on the head, while holding an egg in his fist.
— Jessica Elgot (@jessicaelgot) March 3, 2019
So what came first in the headlines – the punch or the egg?
To be fair to the media, all is not as it seems. A criminal lawyer egg-splained the following to Off The Perch:
Not a lot of people know this, but any crime committed while holding an egg will automatically be downgraded to an ‘egging’. It’s one of those funny, old antiquated laws that few people know about. Tony Blair used it to get away with his illegal ‘egging’ of Iraq; that’s why he carries that egg around with him.
Since revealing this, a wave of ‘egging’ has broken out over the country. There are reports of bank ‘eggings’, grievous bodily ‘egging’, and multiple people being first degree egged.
Egg on their face?
A few celebrities and Tories seemed pleased about the assault:
We can at least expect the media to be horrified about the ‘egger’ and his social media supporters. Oh no – wait – the media is busy. Some anonymous person who supports Corbyn on Facebook said Mike Gapes looks like a haemorrhoid.
Shame they weren’t holding an egg when they said that, or they could have got away with it.
Chris Grayling is known for doing many things – all of which are terrible. To avoid answering for these failings, Grayling has taken to deploying a cardboard cut-out of himself. This is proving to be a bad move, as party HQ has realised the cut-out is more efficient than the man himself.
Grayling is now world famous for his incompetence:
Grayling goes Global. https://t.co/iSk57CItuD
— Aditya Chakrabortty (@chakrabortty) March 4, 2019
So what keeps him in government? Well, it’s a couple of things – namely:
- His loyalty to Theresa May.
- His ability to look very boring despite perpetrating the most awful of policies.
Grayling has a problem, though. It’s true he’s supposed to function as a wrecking ball that lays waste to the British state, but he’s also a fucking idiot. As such, the damage he’s inflicting isn’t limited to the things he’s aimed at.
Grayling’s banal rampage has drawn unwelcome attention. This is quite difficult for a Tory to do, as most of the media is pretty relaxed about them trashing the country. The cardboard cut-out, however, is able to just get on with the job of following orders and looking dull.
Analysts predict the cut-out will be able to carry on ruining the transport network without accidentally spending £2bn on chocolate snow ploughs or replacing train guards with kangaroos. They also expect the cut-out to answer as many questions on its performance as the man himself – i.e. none.
Despite years of austerity, crime in the UK has risen – particularly knife crime. The government is unsure how this has happened, because people shouldn’t be able to afford weapons at this point. Regardless, there’s a very clear solution – and that’s to send in the army.
Military 'ready to respond' to Britain's knife crime crisis, defence secretary Gavin Williamson says https://t.co/HtLRgNrBgr
— The Independent (@Independent) March 6, 2019
Great Britain, fuck yeah!
There are three main signs that a country is basically doing okay:
- People have enough money to exist / do things.
- Young people are likely to enjoy more opportunities than their parents.
- The army isn’t on the streets pointing guns at children and asking them to empty their pockets.
The Tories have failed on the first two: could failing on the third sort things out? Chris Grayling is known for saying ‘three or more wrongs sometimes make a right – and if not a ‘right’, at least a ‘distraction’ from whatever you did wrong in the first place”.
Defence secretary Gavin Williamson said:
The good thing about using the army is we’re paying them already, so it’s cost free! Brilliant, yeah? Also, we’re only involved in about five or six conflicts at the moment, so the lads need something to do. They’re well up for it anyway, because I told them it would be bants. The chicken pot noodles are on me!
Of course, some people think austerity might have played a part in rising crime:
Bringing up stop and search serves one purpose: ending discussion about the fact that austerity has reversed a decades' long trend of falling violent crime.
The question we should be asking our Prime Minister is whether she cares more about saving money or saving lives. pic.twitter.com/PjM5SRlmDo
— Grace Blakeley (@graceblakeley) March 5, 2019
If austerity is driving people towards crime, it’s likely the UK will need more austerity to teach these poor idiots a lesson.
It’s like they say: “several years of needlessly falling living standards makes an economy”.
Tories deny burying their heads over Brexit / knife crime / Islamophobia / austerity / climate chaos…
The Tories have been in government for nearly nine years. During that time, they’ve taken expert advice from many smart people – all of which they’ve ignored. As a result, we’re increasingly at the point where their chickens are coming home to roost.
In response, the PM has decided to make like another bird and bury her head in the sand.
Useless means useless
Theresa May has a lot to answer for – questions like:
- When are you going to admit that making everyone poorer just makes everyone poorer?
- It was t-shirt weather in February for fuck’s sake – are you taking the piss pushing for more fracking?
- What have you got against people with disabilities / people who aren’t white / anyone who isn’t a millionaire backer of the Tory Party?
- Why didn’t you realise that doing all the things which lead to more crime would lead to more crime?
- Is this supposed to be a Brexit plan or has someone thrown up in your ring binder?
Theresa May generally responds by saying:
Let me be clear.
She then jams her head into the bucket of sand she carries around with her.
Lent means Lent
While the country collapses, May found time to give a shout out to the religion she pretends to follow:
Ash Wednesday marks a significant time for Christians all over the world, as they prepare to celebrate the death and resurrection of Jesus at Easter. May your time of reflection throughout Lent strengthen your faith.
— Theresa May (@theresa_may) March 6, 2019
To be fair, though, her ideas do have something in common with Jesus. They all got crucified too.
Amber Rudd, who oversaw Theresa May’s ‘hostile environment’, used a racist term on 7 March. According to her, this was just a slip of the tongue – not a sign of underlying racism. As a disgraced, former home secretary who illegally deported non-white British citizens, we should obviously give her the benefit of the doubt.
Rudd spoke with journalists to clear things up:
It was just a mistake, okay? It’s very simple to mix up ‘woman of colour’ and ‘coloured woman’.
Someone asked if she’d previously mixed up ‘British citizens of colour’ with ‘deportable non-people of colour’, to which she responded:
I will admit that mistakes were made, but this PC culture is getting too much. You can’t illegally deport anyone these days without someone accusing you of being some sort of criminal racist. The abuse really has to stop.
When asked if the Tories could do more for British people of colour, Rudd said:
What, like give them £20 when we kick them off the plane or something?
When it was suggested that this constituted another racist gaffe, Rudd threw her arms up, got back in her ‘Go Home’ van and drove away.
Many were surprised to see Chuka Umunna proposing national service for young people. This wouldn’t be military service, but instead some sort of corporate away-day nonsense designed to bring young people together. And now we know exactly what this so-called ‘citizens service’ might look like.
Speaking to the journalists who materialise every time he speaks out loud, Umunna said:
Young people can learn everything they need to know from Nando’s. Firstly, they get to work inside a thriving company. Secondly, they get some of that PERi-PERi multiculturalism. And thirdly, they learn that most important of all characteristics – cheekiness.
At this point, someone asked if these children would be getting paid for working at Nando’s. Umunna looked uncomfortable at this point and blurted out:
The Independent Group is definitely not the political wing of Nando’s hostile takeover of the UK!
Or isn’t they
Umunna’s strange denial led to some digging. It turned out the so-called Independent Group is actually a subsidiary of Nando’s. Pictures have also emerged of a man in a chicken costume handing Chris Leslie a carrier bag filled with greasy five-pound notes.
The Independent Group is having a "Cheeky Nandos". Anna Soubry looks thrilled… pic.twitter.com/lKpw1C4FeH
— Vincent McAviney (@VinnyMcAv) February 25, 2019
So is the political group actually an attempt by a somewhat popular fast-food chain to acquire itself free child labour? Possibly not. Although it wouldn’t be any less backwards than what the Independent Group actually stands for.
Featured and in-story images via Chatham House – Wikimedia / Shealah Craighead – The White House / Chris McAndrew – Wikimedia / pixabay / pixabay / pixabay / Chris McAndrew – Wikimedia / YouTube / Chris McAndrew – Wikimedia / Loozrboy – Wikimedia
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