How many is that now? 6? 37? 48,534? Itâs certainly not enough. After all, if it wasnât for these apparently important sprogs, HOW WOULD WE DISTRACT OURSELVES FROM THE POST-CLIMATE APOCALYPSE WEâRE INFLICTING UPON OURSELVES!?
MORNING BRIEFING: Yesterday, the UN reported that 1 mil species face extinction. A royal baby was also born. Here are the front pages of British papers. pic.twitter.com/Rf7AsfHq4V
— Tina Carmillia đČđŸ (@tinacarmillia) May 7, 2019
Cry sisÂ
In a few decadesâ time, the planet may be uninhabitable. Unless of course youâre a royal super baby. As we all know, the Windsors can withstand temperatures of up to 400°C. They can also exist in the vacuum of space. Most of them can fly and defecate rainbows.
A newspaper editor told us:
In the event of the climate collapsing, the only thing saving us will be our royal overlords. Perhaps theyâll drag the entire planet a few million metres to the left so things cool down a bit. Or maybe theyâll fly us all one by one to a new planet.
This is why weâre putting so much focus on the royal offspring. That and because Rupert Murdoch said we have to.
ADAM BOULTON: The environment? Who has time to give a fuck about that shit?
ALSO ADAM BOULTON: I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT ROYAL BABY NAMES AND I HAVE SOME IDEAS https://t.co/p5ukfBtzef
Theresa May has said sheâll be gone by autumn. Sheâs said other things in the past. Guess how many she stuck to?
If you guessed â0â, you may have won a prize. Well done. According to our honest PM, that puts you in line for a ÂŁ1m payout.
Broken promises
May has frequently failed to live up to her word. Sheâs previously promised to:
Be a good prime minister.
Have the first clue what sheâs doing.
Do a Brexit.
Not hold an election.
Win an election.
Somehow cobble together a government despite losing her majority.
Eat chips like a human being.
If I said how Theresa May eats chips shows she's unfit to govern, Tories would call me bonkers. It's literally what happened to Ed Miliband pic.twitter.com/ZUzhEOZ02c
To be fair, she has kept some promises. Like all Tories, sheâs upheld the partyâs dedication towards:
Fucking the poor.
Fucking the marginalised.
Fucking everyone on less than ÂŁ100k per annum.
She also followed in the proud Tory tradition of giving ministerial positions to the people least capable of fulfilling them.
Let her be clear
Mayâs promise tells us one thing: she definitely wonât be going in autumn. She might get booted out before then, or she might leave in winter. Leaving on time just isnât on the cards.
Unless of course hell freezes over. Which it might, given the Toriesâ continued fucking of the environment. Another right-wing promise theyâve kept.
The Tory government is shit on pretty much everything. The MP Johnny Mercer is on board with that. But he wants to go further. Namely by allowing soldiers to get away with (allegedly) murdering civilians, if said soldiers live past pension age.
Badâs Army
To be fair, thatâs not entirely accurate. Mercer wants all soldiers to avoid scrutiny.
The ones facing justice over events in the north of Ireland are quite old now. That isnât because the victimsâ families thought:
Letâs wait until the murderers get old so itâs really inconvenient for them to face up to their crimes.
No â itâs because successive UK governments swept the issue under the carpet.
Mercer has some support, though. The campaign group Squaddies Against Justice (SAJ) argued:
Do you know how much it costs to train a soldier? If weâre not constantly murdering people then all that money is going to waste.
Slippery slope
An SAJ spokesperson added:
Itâs easy to criticise us for gunning down unarmed civilians. The fact is that the only sure fire way of stopping unarmed civilians becoming armed civilians is murder.
People have pointed out the Nazis had a similar philosophy. SAJ shot back:
Weâll be working to get German soldiers pardoned next. They were all just following orders, after all. If soldiers follow instructions, everythingâs fine. Itâs also fine if they use their own initiative. You know why?
The BBC has no time for racism. Thatâs why it sacked Danny Baker. Conversely, it does have a lot of time for racists. Hundreds of broadcasting hours every year, in fact.
Is that balance? Condemning one act of racism while platforming shitheads like this:
Nigel Farage has been accused of openly discussing conspiracy theories linked to antisemitism during a series of interviews with a far-right US talkshow. https://t.co/LiJPE7vtRu
So whatâs the deal? Well, according to one senior executive, itâs that:
Weâre dedicated to representing a variety of opinions. Unless said opinions disrespect the Royals, IN WHICH CASE THERE WILL BE BLOOD!
Queen and country
Another BBC employee explained:
Look â we canât stop Nigel Farage appearing on every politics show that goes out. We tried once, but he just ignored us. What we have done is made clear weâll take him off the airwaves if he directs his hard-right rhetoric at prince Archie.
When asked why they donât do that for all hard-right rhetoric, they said:
Look, theyâre just ideas, they canât hurt you. Unless you direct them at the royal family, in which case we will hurt you.
Progress
Obviously thereâs no place on the national broadcaster for a man likening a mixed race baby to a chimp. Itâs just a shame there is space for a bunch of fascist apes. But still â at least thereâs some progress. Itâs just specifically only for people born into the royal family.
An important story in Rupert Murdochâs Times has warned us that THE POOR PEOPLE ARE COMING!!!
Buying education is buying privilege, jumping the queue. Private school children arenât more intelligent than those comprehensively educated & not more deserving of Oxbridge places, even if fee-paying system promotes that view. My priority is preserving the comprehensive system. pic.twitter.com/ngCGLrTozq
Although, by âwarned usâ, I do of course mean âwarned anyone with the money to abandon their offspring in a private boarding schoolâ. But still, pretty terrifying, right?
You might even say that pushing for our (allegedly) best universities to reflect society is AS BAD AS NAZISM:
The Times have actually run a front page story not only claiming that the privately educated are being discriminated against by Oxbridge – but that pointing out people who went to private school dominate society is akin to Adolf Hitler's persecution of the Jews. pic.twitter.com/3cuMn3h4IS
Whatâs the point of earning 50,000 times more than the average British citizen if my children have to go to school with literal slum donkeys? I did some questionable things to earn my riches. If Britain stops rewarding the mega-rich for being smart enough to avoid tax, then Iâll just go and avoid tax somewhere else.
Of course, not all rich people are criminal. Some are just a drain on society â hoarding money away in bank accounts where itâs of no use to anyone. Some even recognise that. One of them admitted to us:
Growing up rich and going to Cambridge, I thought I was a special person â a smart person. I believed I had a god-given right to lead. Iâve gone on to lose the nation billions and billions of pounds. Maybe if Iâd encountered working class people sooner, Iâd have realise I was actually just a useless fuckwit with no idea how to do anything.
This person asked to remain anonymous. But we can say their name rhymes with âKris Greylingâ.
Prejudice
So, are the elites of Britain a marginalised group being disadvantaged by the downtrodden people they tread upon? The short answer is no. The long answer is NOOOOOOOOOO.
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