The week in satire Vol. #123
And what a week it was!
A week in which the Tories called for war with Iran! A week in which more reasonable people called for evidence! And a week in which the political and media classes forgot we STILL REMEMBER IRAQ!
But what else happened?
Let’s look back and see:
Boris Johnson proposes a tax cut for everyone on his Christmas card list
Thanks to the Tories, rich people in Britain have it pretty good right now. Despite that, the party has actually lost a lot of donors – partially because of its botched handling of Brexit. Leadership hopeful Boris Johnson has a plan to turn all that around.
He’s making a list; he’s having a hoot; he’s going to find out who’s rolling in loot; Boris Claus is coming to town.
Johnson proposed one tax cut for people earning £50k to £80k – a cut that will benefit many Tory members and MPs. His latest proposed cut will benefit anyone earning enough to buy eight Premiership football clubs per annum.
There are now 14.2 million people living in poverty in the UK, with 320,000 people without a home and 1.6 million food bank parcels distributed last year.
Boris Johnson's first priority: A £10 billion tax cut for high earners. https://t.co/mONwctDxPC
— Adam Bienkov (@AdamBienkov) June 10, 2019
A statement from Johnson read:
Look, the people on my Christmas card list are all ruddy good chaps, actually. Some of them have been really hard done by – you can tell by the diminishing gold filigree on their cards. What people forget is that having a happy aristocracy is good for everyone.
After the letter went out, people asked Johnson to clarify how the rich getting richer benefits the non-rich. He attempted to explain.
“Isn’t it obvious?” he asked – laughing.
It wasn’t obvious, and Johnson shuffled awkwardly – clearly trying to think something up.
“Well, the thing is…” he began, “when rich people have more money, they smile a lot more, and that makes for better pictures at Royal Ascot. Who hasn’t felt uplifted when seeing a picture of Sir Phillip Green barely having to repress a sneer when dealing with the public? One good snap can boost productivity by… oh, I don’t know… £350m a week?”
Playing to the crowd
Of course, it’s worth remembering that the next PM will be chosen by Tory members. As such, the candidates only need to appeal to the sort of people who pay for membership. That means that – more than anything – this competition is a frightening insight into the mind of your average Tory loyalist.
V odd this “race to be PM” from afar – tax plans that won’t pass this Parliament, Brexit “plans” that won’t pass Parliament, promise not to have GE – promises being made to tiny selectorate that aren’t in hands of winner to deliver…
It’s like a unicorn Grand National.
— Faisal Islam (@faisalislam) June 10, 2019
BBC plans to spend the over-75 licence fee on more ‘young fee-payer-losing content’
The BBC has found itself in something of a steep decline. With more and more good TV being made (and less and less of it on the Beeb), many people are cancelling their licence fees. This means the BBC is forced to go after the people who are least likely to have a Netflix account – the over-75s.
The BBC has previously been accused of ageism. Against the young. Largely because it creates programmes that:
- Don’t really appeal to young people.
- Actively normalise and protect a model of society that makes young people’s lives worse.
By going after the elderly – many of whom have it tough enough already – it’s now being accused of ageism in the other direction. A BBC spokesperson explained:
It’s a shame, but no one else is willing to pay for this shit.
When asked why the BBC doesn’t just make programming that appeals to people who weren’t old enough to benefit from the Great 1980s Housing Sell-Off, the spokesperson explained:
Because we’re very, very bad at what we do.
The BBC is stuck between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand, it can’t make television that really challenges power structures in the UK – largely because it’s in bed with said power structures. On the other hand, its failure to move with the times is making a lot of young people ask:
Why am I paying £150 a year to listen to a bunch of publicly funded millionaires tell me that socialism doesn’t work?
Johnson flinging his own faeces at journalists plays well with Tory members
After years of unofficially positioning himself to become PM, Boris Johnson has now launched his actual campaign. Surprisingly, it was less ape-like than we might have expected at this point. He did literally hurl his own shit, but he refrained from doing a King Kong at least.
Same shit, different day
Johnson called a press conference to announce his leadership run. When asked if he stood by his awful comments about that terrible thing which he did, he answered:
He then proceeded to shit in his own hand and launch his turds like smelly cricket balls. The press had come prepared for this, as they’d all covered Boris before. As such, the man’s political nuggets bounced harmlessly off their umbrellas.
Johnson wasn’t finished there, though. When asked to elaborate on his “total lack of a Brexit plan”, the would-be PM said:
He then spent the next five minutes wrestling with a cardboard cut-out of Jean-Claude Juncker – a pantomime that ended with him urinating on the cut-out like a mad wolf – his supporters cheering all the while.
The bottom of the barrel
As a literal ape man, Johnson knows a little something about climbing his way to the top. He hasn’t had to climb very far, of course, because this is how low the bar is set:
Beth Rigby: Why did you call Muslim women letterboxes?
Boris Johnson: British people want politicians to say what they mean.
— Maurice Mcleod (@mowords) June 12, 2019
The ‘you can’t say anything these days’ crowd demands Jo Brand’s head
Jo Brand recently made a joke about using battery acid to ‘milkshake’ hard-right hate shits. She made the joke on a radio show designed to “test the boundaries of what it’s OK to say and not say”. Given the political landscape, the gag obviously falls into the category of things you probably don’t want to joke about.
What’s surprising is who she actually offended. Because most enraged are the people who usually argue that you should be able to joke about whatever you want. Which is to say whatever they want, obviously, because you can’t have people making fun of them.
Big mouth strikes again
Nigel Farage was giving a speech about how he intends to ‘pick up a rifle’ if Brexit gets halted when he heard the news. The speech went:
People in this country have gone mad with political correctness – you can’t say anything these days! They say that I’m a racist just because I did a big racist poster and also some other things. You know what I say to them?
I say… sorry… hang on a minute… I’m just learning that – oh no you don’t – some leftist fucking garbage woman has made a joke at my expense. Police! Police! Someone call the police!
Farage later asked what would happen in a parallel universe in which he was the one to say something awful:
I am sick to death of overpaid, left wing, so-called comedians on the BBC who think their view is morally superior. Can you imagine the reaction if I had said the same thing as Jo Brand? pic.twitter.com/hCEFSCqMGI
— Nigel Farage (@Nigel_Farage) June 13, 2019
If it was anything like this reality, he’d probably get invited on to do Question Time for the millionth time.
McVey vows to carry on ‘crushing the poor’ despite humiliating defeat
Esther McVey got a decent amount of airtime recently, and she used it to voice her reprehensible views. Despite the attention, she’s turned out to be the least popular Tory leadership candidate ever:
Full result of the first Tory leadership ballot.
Leadsom, Harper and McVey eliminated. pic.twitter.com/HBHSgqbbvE
— Ian Jones (@ian_a_jones) June 13, 2019
Shock as Esther McVey records worst Tory leadership result ever https://t.co/j22UORj4KF
— John E Jefferson (@JohnEJefferson) June 13, 2019
Despite her humiliating defeat, McVey has vowed to carry on doing what she does best: crushing poor people.
For a while, McVey had her dream job at the Department for Destroying the Poor and Disabled (DWP). That’s not the department’s official name, but she did insist on calling it that. She also demanded that her underlings refer to her as ‘Mrs Bastard’.
McVey eventually had to leave the DWP – namely in protest that Theresa May’s Brexit deal wouldn’t be sufficiently damaging to poor people. She hoped to once more have power over the nation’s unfortunates, but it turns out even her own party can’t stand her.
With little actual power, McVey is now forced to hang around outside job centres. One observer spotted her this morning tossing handfuls of gravel at a benefits claimant. Someone else saw her screaming profanity at a depressed single mother.
Goon but not forgotten
If it weren’t for all the other horror-sacks remaining in the leadership race, McVey’s obliteration would be worth celebrating. Although, saying that, fuck it – it is worth celebrating a little bit:
Change UK changes its name to ‘Chuka Umunna is a Cheating, Lying B*stard’
Change UK has gone by many names, including:
- The Independent Group.
- Chuka Umunna Vanity Project 2019.
Despite the party primarily being setup to massage Umunna’s considerable ego, the man himself has now left. Consequently, the idiots who put their trust in this obvious political chancer are furious with him. To make their anger manifest, they’ve changed the name of their political shindig to ‘Chuka Umunna is a Cheating, Lying Bastard’ (CUCLB).
When Umunna first left, his CUCLB acolytes entered into the five stages of grief. Anna Soubry said upon his departure:
I can’t believe that he’s done this. Feel like pure shit, just want him back.
They’ve now solidly entered the anger stage. CUCLB’s website features images of Umunna with speech bubbles saying things like:
I’LL HURT YOU TOO!
IF YOU CAN READ THIS, I MUST BE LYING!
Mike Gapes was spotted shredding Umunna’s recent manifesto and dumping what remained out of the CUCLB office window. Said office is the first floor flat above an East London KFC – a big downgrade from their former HQ inside Nando’s.
Fool me twice, welcome aboard
Conversely, the Liberal Democrats are said to be very happy with their latest signing. Vince Cable said:
We’re confident that the man who turned against two political parties in as many months; the man who has previously attacked both me and my party – is an ideal fit for the Lib Dems.
As Cable said this, Umunna’s eyes darted from side to side as he drummed his fingers together.
Featured image via Gareth Milner – Flickr / Flickr – Gage Skidmore /Wikimedia – Bundesministerium für Europa, Integration und Äußeres / pixabay / pixabay / Flickr – EU2017 Estonian Presidency / pixabay / pixnio / needpix / UK Parliament – Wikimedia
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