And what a week it was!
A week in which the cabinet split into two teams to brainstorm on Brexit! A week in which each of those teams broke off into smaller groups to spite the others! And a week in which those smaller groups devolved into just a load of angry individuals shouting!
But what else happened?
Let’s look back and see:
On Tuesday 8 May, people awoke to a very depressing headline. One which suggested politicians have openly accepted the leader of the free world is a giant, TV-watching baby:
It’s the sort of headline you get in a movie when someone travels back to the future only to realise they’ve fucked something else up. And what’s worse is it didn’t even work. Which is why Johnson had to launch an even more desperate plan.
Punch and Judy
Johnson revived the perennial British favourite Punch and Judy to capture Trump’s attention. He began with a bit of old-school capering – beating up babies and crocodiles and such.
A smirking Trump clapped enthusiastically while Punch shouted, “That’s the way to do it!”
The president was then heard to remark:
Did you see how that guy did it? That’s exactly how I would have did it!
After several more instances of simulated child and animal abuse, Johnson went in for the kill.
“You see this kiddies – err – I mean, really smart guys? This is the Iran nuclear deal! But what happens when we put it in this SAUSAGE MACHINE!”
The Punch puppet placed the paperwork into the mincer, while an excited Trump shouted, “Yeah! Do it! Yeah!”
When Punch ‘tasted’ one of the linked sausages, he exclaimed:
Oh no! These sausages are bad! Maybe we shouldn’t have minced that deal after all!
No strings on him
Trump was genuinely inspired by the performance, which is why he later announced:
We’re going to build a GIANT – CROCODILE – MINCING – MACHINE! And Iran is going to pay for it!
Brexit has caused a problem for the Tories. Before the referendum, half the party were saying it would be the worst thing ever. The other half claimed otherwise. And now they have to deliver it – despite everyone knowing 50% of them think it’s shit.
This problem is magnified by the fact that they can’t even agree what Brexit should be. This means the party is torpedoing every proposal it raises in the most spectacular act of self-sabotage since…
…hmm. There have been so many instances of Tory self-sabotage recently, it’s hard to choose.
Let’s just say the 2017 general election and move on.
The Tories have numerous ideas about Brexit. Most of them are terrible, and several have already been vetoed by the EU. The main two camps could be described as the ‘Leavers?’ and the ‘LEAVERS!’
The Leavers? are demanding the following:
- Keep things basically the same but worse.
- Constantly make it clear they’re only doing this because they have to.
- Use catchphrases like ‘Zumba Brexit’ over actual ideas.
The LEAVERS!, meanwhile, are demanding:
- Europe be literally scratched off the map.
- ‘French toast’ to be renamed a ‘Jacob Rees-Mogglette’.
- Importers to have their ships sunk by our mighty submarines.
- A land war with Ireland (and anyone else who wants some).
- Mandatory national service in morris dancing clubs.
- Resurrection of the Robin Reliant.
- Creation of a new aristocracy populated by male and female clones of Nigel Farage.
- Return of the seven-day week and free jobs for all children.
Both sides have been publicly letting everyone know how shit the other is. One side will have to win in the end though. And then it’s up to the Tories to implement a plan which Tories have spent several months telling us is dog shit.
Any reasonable person looking at UK politics – where the governing party oppresses disabled people, non-white people, young people, old people, and anyone earning less than £50k a year – must surely think:
Why are people in this country so tribal?
And by ‘reasonable person’, I mean of course anyone earning over £50k.
Leave this to us!
Speaking online, the liberal firebrand Centro Volkswagen said:
Am I the only one who sees that tribal politics stops anything getting done? Maybe it’s because my work as a rational genius helps me see things others can’t.
People pointed out they were forced to behave as a tribe because the Tories have drawn a line around their group and said, “YOU PEOPLE ARE A TRIBE NOW, AND WE WILL FUCK YOU AS WE PLEASE.” Others said they stand by these people out of solidarity. Volkswagen said:
Look, if we cling to every human rights violation, how will we get anything done? The 5p bag charge would never have happened if the Lib Dems hadn’t foregone ideology to only pursue things they were interested in.
And also, how can we reverse Brexit if we don’t work with Tories who oppose the HATED BREX*TEERS!?
Someone pointed out that helping the Tories fuck disabled people for a bag charge was an ideological move. It just didn’t look like one because no one expected an ideology that puts shopping bag legislation before human lives.
They also said expecting people to keep quiet about their oppression because it makes it awkward for centrists to work with anti-Brexit Tories is middle class tribalism at its worst. Volkswagen responded by saying:
I’m sorry, but who let these people comment?
Rotes and wrongs
Saying “tribalism is ruining politics” is a centrist mantra that only sounds sensible if you don’t think about it. Politics in the UK aren’t tribal for nothing. And if you can’t see that, you likely belong to one of the tribes the government has yet to fuck.
Brexiteers – many of whom voted to keep our unelected Lords – are furious at our unelected Lords.
“It’s undemocratic!” they screamed at the men and women they insisted we appoint undemocratically.
They’ve come up with a solution, though. And it’s to abolish any and all Lords (who don’t agree with them).
Here we go
Prominent Brexiteer / Dickensian pastiche Jacob Rees-Mogg had this to say:
When people voted for Brexit, they were very clear what they wanted! It was that I – Jacob Ulysses Thunderclench Rees-Mogg – should have the power to abolish anyone who crosses me!
Someone said that would make Hard Brexit easier, but what if the remaining Lords disagreed with him on something else?
Then I shall remove these traitors too! And if those who remain betray me next, I shall abolish them also! And I shall carry on in that fashion until none are left, and I – Jacob Handkerchief Leopard-Print Rees-Mogg – am infused with their undemocratic power!
Someone pointed out that one man thirsting for total control like that was a bit Hitler-esque. Rees-Mogg disagreed with this assertion:
Nonsense! I shall be far greater than Hitler, because I – Jacob Ferrero Rocher Rees-Mogg – am British!
At this point, his supporters began to chant:
BRITLER! BRITLER! BRITLER!
Rees-Mogg basked in their adoration as if showering in Châteauneuf-du-Pape.
Democracy Now! No, not like that!
The Brexiteers have very funny ideas about ‘democracy’ and ‘taking back control’. Except actually they don’t. They just clearly want total power, and will say anything they can to get it.
The BBC has received many complaints over the years. They’ve also issued many complaint rejections. Although I think they kind of apologised when middle England objected to some recipes being taken offline.
The Beeb does encourage people to complain, however. Largely as it’s a good opportunity for them to explain why Auntie knows best.
Regarding the latest furore, the BBC issued the following response:
Listen up idiots! We didn’t do anything to make Corbyn look like a communist, because we didn’t need to! The guy already makes Stalin look like Richard Branson!
In fact, we actually had to make him look less communist! He was riding a bear and waving a hammer and sickle about in the original picture!
People have criticised the BBC’s response. Mainly as they claim the broadcaster has focussed on the ‘hat-gate’ allegations to distract from the more pressing issue of them using this image of Corbyn as he was accused of Russian sympathies:
This tactic of deflecting through triviality is actually now referred to as a ‘Corbyn’s hat distraction’.
The BBC responded to claims the hat was a diversion by loudly screaming:
WE DIDN’T PHOTOSHOP HIS FUCKING HAT!
To most people, the above image was blatantly biased crap. We caught up with the BBC’s Head of Political Symbolism to ask him what he thought. He told us:
I don’t even know what symbolism is, you turds!
We suspected this was a lie. But before we could question him further, he pulled his dinner out and began spooning couscous at us.
We’re not sure if this action was in itself symbolic. How could we? We’re all just morons – patiently waiting for the BBC to explain how dumb we are.
– Join The Canary, so we can keep holding the powerful to account.
Featured image via Christine Matthews – Geograph (image was altered) / DonkeyHotey – Flickr (image was altered) / Kuhlmann / MSC – Wikimedia / Financial Times – Flickr / Jose The Storyteller – pixabay / John Singleton Copley – Wikimedia (image was altered) / Rwendland – Wikimedia (image was altered) / Midiman – Flickr