‘Genocidal kleptomaniac’ is the hero Belfast deserves and needs right now

Out with the old “would you rather be invisible or able to fly,” in with the new “would you rather be able to shoplift half an M&S, flash your boobs at the Orange Order, or troll a Magistrates Court judge by making up random medical conditions in the middle of your trial?” Amazingly, one woman combines all these superpowers, alongside a dash of anti-Zionism and the Jedi mind trick of pulling it all off with just a couple of fines.

Clodagh Byrne was accused of liberating £722 worth of clothes and cosmetics from Marks & Spencer’s in one visit. On reflection, using the most scientific measure of inflation – the Freddo index – that’s probably just a couple of pairs of knickers and a T-shirt. Nonetheless, Judge Rosie Watters of Lisburn Magistrates Court was unimpressed with Byrne’s meritorious attempt to strike a blow against Zionism by raiding the complicit retailer, which has been known to stock Israeli fruit & veg. “Unbelievable” was the District Judge’s verdict when reflecting on Byrne’s view that:

she would change the world by stealing £722 from M&S because they’re part of a regime funding the war in Gaza and because they are complicit, she doesn’t consider what she’s done to be wrong

Heroine batters Zionism and clothes the poor

More like unbelievable that you don’t appreciate what an absolute legend this woman is, Judge Watters. If everyone went into their nearest Marks & Sparks and made off with the best part of a grand in gear to protest Zionist genocide, Starmer would be outside Downing Street within a week doing the dabke and declaring one state for all. The philistine wielding the gavel was also unable to appreciate the performance art going on in court when Byrne declared she suffered from “genocidal kleptomania”. Some esteemed psychologists whom I just made up say the serious condition (also made up) is an illness — I say it’s a cure.

After all, in an act of redistribution Robin Hood would be proud of, the Tyrone woman donated much of her loot to a charity shop the next day. Zack Polanski, Zohran Mamdani — step aside, this is the direct action socialism we need.

Nonetheless, Watters was unimpressed and:

imposed a five-month prison sentence, suspended for two years, in addition to a £722 compensation order.

Earlier in the proceedings, the judge had missed the opportunity to benefit from Byrne’s wisdom, telling her “I think it would be best if you just stay quiet” when Byrne argued the legality of her sale of hallucinogenic drugs. Given that her narcotic regimen has seemingly enabled her to transcend the powers of mere mortals, the Lisburn arbiter really looked a gift horse in the mouth here.

Tits out, Brits out? Rampage at Orange parade lifts the tone

Our friendly neighbourhood genocidal kleptomaniac’s previous heroism includes raising the tone at an Orange parade by exposing her breast during one on 12 July 2024. A shocked onlooker may or may not have been quoted saying:

I was disgusted – the horrifying scenes of naked flesh blocked my view of the ashes left over from torching effigies of refugees the night before. Thankfully the horror passed, and the good family fun of singing about being bathed in Fenian blood could begin once again.

Byrne, a former social worker, continued to wield her superpowers to socially beneficial effect. On what she later told police was “the best day of her life”, she entered Campbell College in fully exposed form and said:

British dickheads…British fucking wankers…I’m in your fucking classroom. Play your fucking big bass drum. Give us back our Six Counties.

Our heroine had reasonably argued that male and female toplessness should not be treated differently, and that “nudity is her natural state”. This example of truth, justice and the Tyrone way also went unappreciated by District Judge Anne Marshall, who imposed a fine of £300 along with a £15 offender levy for “charges of improper use of a public communications network and trespass”, and indecency.

The only indecent thing is the fact that this woman hasn’t yet been installed as First Minister at Stormont. As has been shown here, she’s got plans to end Zionism, redistribute wealth, expose the failing judiciary, bring about gender equality, modern July 12th and enhance the educational experience in colleges. The Genocidal Kleptomaniacs Party is ready to steal your vote – elect Clodagh Byrne.

Featured image via the Canary