James Cleverly ordered to change his surname by trading standards

Image of James Cleverly. Next to him is the word' Cleverly' with 'Not so' written above it
John Shafthauer

James Cleverly is well known on Twitter for saying things that draw his surname into question. Elsewhere, he’s basically unheard of. That’s changed now, as he’s announced a bid to become the next prime minister. As such, he’s drawn the attention of trading standards.

 

James Idiotically

A spokesperson from trading standards said:

We probably should have got on to Mr Cleverly sooner, but we assumed his Twitter persona was a joke. How could one man be so consistently wrong about everything? How could one mouth fit so many feet?

Now that he’s running for PM, obviously we’ll have to take action. We can’t have politicians lying about what they’ll deliver. I mean – we do have that – but not this brazenly.

Trading standards offered some alternative names he could use. They included:

  • James Stupidly.
  • James Dastardly.
  • James Tediously.
  • James Wrongly.
  • James Pig-Fucking-Headedly.
  • James Against-All-Better-Judgemently.
  • James Probably-Shouldn’t-Have-Botheredly.
  • James Oh-God-Please-Make-Him-Stoppedly.
  • Clive Haddock.
Clever and cleverer 

Despite always being wrong about everything, Mr Haddock has argued that shouldn’t stop him becoming the next Tory PM. As he pointed out:

Just look at my predecessors.

This is actually a good point. The only good point Mr Haddock has ever made, in fact. A fact which suggests the ‘Cleverly’ name may in fact have been cursed.

Featured image via Wikimedia – Chris McAndrew

Get involved

We need your help ...

The coronavirus pandemic is changing our world, fast. And we will do all we can to keep bringing you news and analysis throughout. But we are worried about maintaining enough income to pay our staff and minimal overheads.

Now, more than ever, we need a vibrant, independent media that holds the government to account and calls it out when it puts vested economic interests above human lives. We need a media that shows solidarity with the people most affected by the crisis – and one that can help to build a world based on collaboration and compassion.

We have been fighting against an establishment that is trying to shut us down. And like most independent media, we don’t have the deep pockets of investors to call on to bail us out.

Can you help by chipping in a few pounds each month?

The Canary Support us