Up to 170 Labour MPs consider acquiring a backbone

If the headline didn’t give it away, please note that the following article is a piece of satire written by Glenn Liddle from Majority – ed.

There’s been an unexpected surge in backbone production over the past week. Early reports suggest up to 170 Labour MPs have placed last-minute orders. Happily, their spines are set to arrive just in time for the upcoming debate on Personal Independence Payments. UK suppliers, Spines R Us, say they’re working around the clock to fulfil demand.

However, rumours abound that some MPs have requested removable models, with one of them telling us that it’s, “just in case Keir changes his mind again.” But in response to such concerns, the supplier has issued a stark warning:

It’s moral integrity or moral bankruptcy—take your pick.

Labour revelations

Interestingly, a new WhatsApp group, Vertebrae for Victory, has been set up by wavering backbenchers. One recent message reads

We’re all done bending over for austerity. It’s high time we stood tall.

Another MP announced:

I’d forgotten what it felt like to stand up for something.

Of course, these procedures aren’t always straightforward. One of the installation surgeons admitted that the most difficult part is often locating where the spine should have been in the first place, such is the jelly-like demeanour of many MPs.

Spines R Us has also warned that some MPs may experience temporary clarity of thought, and even sudden urges to oppose unjust policy. One backbencher allegedly burst into tears after voting against something for the very first time since joining the Starmer leadership, whispering:

I felt… whole.

But, satire aside, the reality is far more alarming. Labour’s proposed overhaul of Personal Independence Payments—which completely ignores compassion and moral clarity—is a total disgrace. If passed, it could wipe out life-saving support for over a million people. That’s not to mention the undoubtedly increased anxiety, distress and the worsening of existing mental health conditions.

So, what do we do?

If only there were a solution—like, say, taxing extreme wealth.

Charities including Scope, Mind, and the Disability Benefits Consortium have described the proposals as “devastating“, warning that these changes will deepen inequality and push already vulnerable people into even greater hardship. DPAC (Disabled People Against Cuts) has been raising the alarm for months, predicting a fresh wave of poverty and social exclusion if these changes go ahead.

Maybe it’s time Labour started listening to them. When fairness is used as a codename for cuts, and sustainability becomes a shield for the wealthy, something is seriously amiss.

At Majority, we believe fairness and dignity must sit at the heart of employment rights and social welfare. Because there is no dignity in asking disabled people to pay the price of ‘fiscal rules.’ And, there is nothing fair about ‘balancing the books’ on the backs of the most vulnerable.

Britain should be run in the interests of the people who do the work; including those in unpaid work, those unable to work, or those retired from a lifetime of work.

Featured image via Unsplash/CHUTTERSNAP