Canary Leaks: a Downing Street aide begs head of Met to arrest 93-year-old Jewish protester

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Subject: we need you to nick this Jewish antisemite, and quickly

Hey Mark,

I’m writing under the pseudonym Tony Gordstein here because Mandy has ordered the whole Downing Street team to be bloody paranoid about anything getting out with one of our names attached. Bear with me here, but Tony is David Gordstein’s younger and even more twisted and ruthless brother.

You might remember the David Gordstein thing. He doesn’t actually exist—Gordstein is a Jewish-sounding name we just made up. Euan Phillips played an absolute blinder with him for years as we brought Corbyn down. I wish you could have had a ring-side seat to that, like me!

Euan came up with a simple and evilly effective technique, which was to watch out for when a Jewish critic of Israel said something that doubted the antisemitism narrative that we had built up around Corbyn and then submit a complaint about them as ‘Dave’. It worked a treat dozens of times, and we got most of the bastards expelled or pushed out one way or another. Martin Abrams and Jenny Manson held out until September past, which was wise, as we probably wouldn’t have let them into the conference in Liverpool if they’d turned up!

One of my personal favourites was Riva Joffe. The old bitch was literally on her deathbed when we had her under investigation for antisemitism. She wrote to us from the hospital and was completely unrepentant about criticising Israel and defending Richard Burgon. She accused us (wait for it) of being driven to a ‘frenzy of purging’ and that it ‘smacked of desperation and panic’.

Oh, how we laughed as we purged her!

The funniest thing about it was that she hadn’t actually said anything antisemitic at all. Our targets didn’t have to, of course. All they had to do was defend someone who had said something that denied or downplayed something that one of our stooges would say made them feel uncomfortable, and we were in business.

We had it set up that denying it was evidence of guilt, like the witch trials.

It was fucking hilarious.

We had this raffle game we played in the office where we’d put a bunch of names — like Ian Austin, Luciana Berger, and John Mann — in a box and pick one at random. Then we’d call them and they would always oblige and create fake outrage for us against some lefty bastard we had our sights on. I remember John literally chasing Corbyn down the street and shouting at him about antisemitism. God, I miss those days!

Anyway, Joffe’s son wrote this pathetic letter to Keir after she died, going on and on about her lifetime of service in the anti-apartheid movement in South Africa, as a socialist and a psychotherapist who did a lot of work for her local community and blah-dee-fucking blah. He probably thought he might get a reply from Starmer as she was one of his constituents in Camden. He didn’t. LOL.

You can read about it in Paul ‘my dad was gay’ Holden’s book that’s just out (called The Fraud, ROFL). It’s a good job no one reads books anymore, or we’d be fucked.

Now, Mark, you’re probably thinking: if Tony is even more twisted than his big brother, Dave, how am I going to outdo that?

Well, I’ll try!!

I’ve got another old Jewish anti-Zionist cunt who’ll be dead soon for you – Margaret Owen. And it’s hilarious now that we control the state, not just the party —we can lock people up instead of just sending disciplinary letters.

It’s perfect – she’s 93, needs a Zimmer frame to walk, a former human rights lawyer, and an OBE. All things that in the old days, before the Terrorism Act, would have made mistreating her a bit risky from a PR point of view. But then we’re not in the old days, are we, my lovely police chief friend?

She’s against ‘genocide’ (yawn) and wants the Palestine Action ban repealed (boo hiss!), so pack up your things, Margaret – it’s jail time!

Funny story – I thought of this idea last night before I went to bed, fell fast asleep, and then woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat.

I’d dreamt that your guys had arrested her, the BBC had reported it and given it prominence on Laura Kuenssberg’s show, the Guardian ran an opinion piece condemning it, and then the Daily Mail and the Telegraph felt they couldn’t avoid it, and even they covered it too.

And I know you won’t believe this bit, but Lord Toby Young from the Free Speech Union came out and said it was giving him doubts about the Palestine Action ban!

Next thing we knew, there was a whole national debate going on about Margaret fucking goody two-shoes save-the-children, Owen. Thanks be to God, the Virgin Mary, Sir Robbie Gibb, and Saint Katherine Viner that it was all just a dream!

I know how it gives you the horn to arrest critics of Israel and label them as terrorists (extra points if they’re Jewish). So, this old doll is perfect for you! She lives in Hammersmith —go get her, Mark:

Till next time,

‘Tony’

Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction but any similarities to a person or persons living or dead is exactly what we wanted.