Theresa May uploads her CV to Monster.com

Theresa May's CV
Wilson Belshaw

Having sensed which way the wind is blowing, Theresa May has uploaded her curriculum vitae to Monster.com. As you can imagine, the document makes interesting reading – seeming more like a cry for help than anything.

CV

May writes:

EDUCATION

  • My education was worth a lot of money – presumably that means it was good? I certainly thought so at the time, but if it was, then why am I like this?

WORK HISTORY

  • I worked long term for a famous organisation. Please don’t look up which – just take my word for it. We did a lot of… things. Possibly not good things, but certainly things of note.

SKILLS

  • I can sense a foreign person from several counties away. They told me to stop saying that, but it’s true. I can feel them out there – breathing my air, building my sandcastles, making me think these bad thoughts. It’s enough to make a woman commission a fleet of xenophobic vans.
  • As bad as I was, I was still regarded as being the most competent person at my last place of employment. Let that sink in.

HOBBIES

  • Coming up with catchy slogans.
  • Running through fields of wheat.
  • Institutional racism.
No job too small

Of course, May could use this as an opportunity to retire. She isn’t one just to give up, though. She really should be, and yet she just keeps on going regardless.

Featured image via EU 2017EE Estonian Presidency – WikimediaPublicDomainPictures

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Wilson Belshaw