The week in satire Vol. #131

Images from the week's satirical stories
John Shafthauer

And what a week it was!

A week in no-deal Brexit drew nearer! A week in which the plan for such an event became no clearer! And a week in which any attempt to point that out was labelled Project Fear(er)!

But what else happened?

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Let’s look back and see:

Donald Trump with blood on his handsTrump takes break from fluffing white nationalists to vaguely tut at them

by John Shafthauer

Trump is well known for promoting white nationalism, supporting white nationalists, and being a white nationalist.

At least he is right up until the point when one of them follows through, anyway.

When that happens, Trump is instantly an innocent bystander. If anything, he’s the victim – a blameless saint suffering the indignity of having his passionate and documented support of white nationalism linked to rising white nationalism.

Make America White Again

Trump himself cleared this up:

People say the most terrible things about me. They’re saying I claimed Mexican rapists are invading our country to steal our freedom. Can you believe that? No – don’t google it. Hey! Can we get this guy’s phone off him? Reading my tweets back to me is fake news!

Trump went on to blame mass shootings on mental health. Although untreated mental health could factor into the problem, one expert pointed out:

Still, though – it wouldn’t hurt to just take the fucking guns away and see if that helps, right? And if the problem is mentally ill people, why is the NRA so adamant about the right to sell guns to mentally ill people? And why aren’t we doing anything to fix this mental health epidemic that’s allegedly at fault here!?

Trumpian

Trump is well known for promoting white nationalism, supporting white nationalists, and being a white nationalist.

Right up until he isn’t.

But don’t worry, all you white nationalists out there. It won’t be long before he’s back on the case. The only thing more predictable than these nationalist mass shootings is the presidential tweets that inspire them.

Boris Johnson holding two gift boxes and saying "Have you never heard of re-gifting?"Old NHS funding ‘new’ because ‘I put a bow on it’, claims Johnson

by John Shafthauer

Boris Johnson recently promised some ‘new’ money for the NHS. It wasn’t enough to fix the problems his party inflicted has on it – not even close. At least the gesture was less insulting than when he claimed to have saved the Whaley Bridge dam by spending 5 minutes scooping out reservoir water with his hands.

Or it was for a short while anyway.

It now turns out this ‘new’ money is just ‘old’ money with a bow on it.

The slime minister

Johnson argued his case, muttering:

I realise there’s some hullabaloo over this, but I can be clear about one thing – I had not previously given the NHS money, and now I have, in fact, handed over a great big wedge of wonga.

When it was pointed out that Johnson had asked the NHS to give him the money first, before he handed it back, he added:

And at that point, I put a bow on it – thus making it a gift. It’s really quite straightforward.

Loose with the truth

Johnson carried on talking for a bit, but none of it made sense, and none of it was true, so it isn’t worth reporting.

That would make a good heading on his tombstone, actually – right over the bit that reads:

HERE LIES BORIS JOHNSON – BONEHEAD, LIAR, CUNT.

A man and a woman arguing over what the government of national unity should be calledMPs fail to agree what to call proposed ‘government of national unity’

by John Shafthauer

A lot of ‘sensible’ people have called for a ‘government of national unity’. They claim it would help us solve Brexit – just like the last one helped us win World War II.

Can you see the difference between those two events?

While 99.99% of Britons wanted to win the world war, no such majority exists for Remain or Brexit. In fact, we know people are split roughly 50/50. To make matters worse, the MPs proposing the idea can’t even decide on a name.

Here we go again

No Brexiteers want a government of national unity. They already have one on their issue, as the Johnson administration is Brexit through and through.

This left it to centrist MPs to push for the so-called ‘unity’ government. A secret recording of three MPs caught the following:

MP1: So we’re all agreed – we push for a government of national unity?

MP2: Are we really settled on that name?

MP1: Does it matter?

MP3: Well I think it does. I think it should be the government for national unity.

MP2: Oh piss off. It should be the unity government of national unity.

MP1: But that has the word ‘unity’ in it twice!

MP2: Exactly! That’s how people will know how unified we are!

At this point, the unified proponents of a unity government of unified unity all started fist fighting.

Bredictable

After talks broke down, the proponents of the idea eventually settled on the one name they could all agree on. The name of this unity administration will be:

Change UK

Oh no – sorry – it’s now:

Unity UK

And now it’s:

UniChange.org

Jeremy Corbyn and John McDonnell in front of the Saltire waving‘We’d want to get away from England, too’, Labour admits to Scotland

by John Shafthauer

After years of pretending that Scotland has good reason to remain handcuffed to England, Labour has finally given in. Because – let’s face it – England isn’t so much a country as an elitist pyramid scheme – existing solely to enrich the ghouls at its top.

Shit Britain

England doesn’t even treat English people well. If Scotland goes, it could be followed by Wales and the north of Ireland. Beyond that, it’s not unrealistic to think the north of England, Cornwall, and several suburbs of London might leave. We may even see individual Englanders renouncing their Englishness and declaring their homes independent mini-states.

Of course, there is a progressive argument for Scotland staying. As one person put it:

Umm… it might be really difficult for us to get a non-Tory government if you leave, so can you just grin and bear it? Hopefully things will improve at some point. Or – you know – get much worse, like they did after your last referendum.

As Scottish activists have pointed out:

The fact that England is wall-to-wall Tories isn’t really the best selling point, to be honest.

The other progressive argument for refusing to let Scottish people have a say over their own future is…

…err…

…oh yeah – now I remember – it’s non-existent.

Run!

The idea that Tory politicians from the shire would ever treat people from other countries as equal partners is quite laughable, really.

If nothing else, English people should encourage Scotland to leave the UK so they have somewhere to get away to when no-deal Brexit hits the fan.

The important thing is that whether Scotland stays or goes, it’s Scottish people who decide. Unless they pay for me to move up there, in which case I would happily vote yes in any upcoming referendum.

Boris Johnson saying: "How about 'no-fuss' Brexit? Or 'Brexit for buffoons'?"Johnson tries to rebrand ‘no-deal Brexit’ into something more palatable

by John Shafthauer

At this point, most people know what no-deal Brexit is, and realise it’s a bad idea. Some people still want it, if only because they don’t want to admit they have no idea how to make a deal-Brexit happen.

As Boris Johnson needs to sell no-deal to more than just the rampant weirdos who want it, he’s now undertaking a rebranding exercise.

Mad Men

The proposed new names for no-deal include:

  • No-fuss Brexit.
  • Fat-free Brexit.
  • Brexit for dummies.
  • Brexit for people who struggle with those ‘books for dummies’ books.
  • The Brex a man can get.
  • Brexi Max.
  • Brexit Vista.
  • B-2000.
  • Brexspresso.
  • BREXIT BUT IN ALL CAPS AND A COOL FONT.

Several of these potential name choices were tested on the public. Most people asked:

Is it still the version of Brexit where we crash out then Donald Trump swoops down on us like a massive, orange vulture?

Other people said things like:

How about you call it ‘not really a fucking option Brexit’, and you just don’t do it?

One man suggested:

I’d call it the ‘Boris Johnson’ so everyone remembers whose fault it was.

Options

Right now, there’s a 50% chance no-deal Brexit will happen. The other 49% is that we get Brexit Vista, while a final 1% sees us turning it all around.

Two speech bubbles over a black background. One says: "Did somebody turn the lights off?" The second says: "Stop talking down Brexit!"Government denies large power outages part of no-deal planning

by John Shafthauer

Power outages hit England and Wales on 9 August. Coincidentally, the government has recently been planning for a no-deal Brexit.

But is it a coincidence?

Or is it part of what the government is expecting after they open the Brexit hell mouth?

Lights out

According to a leaked memo, the government is planning the following tests:

  • Closing the Irn Bru factory for a week to see how long it takes before Scotland starts rioting.
  • Replacing people’s medicine with tic tacs to see if the placebo effect kicks in.
  • Redirecting all outward-bound British tourists to Skegness.

A whistleblower came forward to tell us that:

We’ve been experimenting to see how long an adult human can go without water. Or trying to, anyway. The problem is our test subjects keep leaving about two hours into the test.

There’s also evidence that the police have started preparing. Photos show several forces stripping the panels off their vehicles to more closely resemble the ones in Mad Max. Police officers are also replacing their trademark uniforms with leather undies, bandoleers, and nipple rings.

Apocalypse

So is this the end for Britain? Or is it just the start of an exciting new adventure?

It’s hard to say, but will the last person leaving the nation please remember to switch the Mad Max-ian road cop’s lights off?

(DISCLAIMER: The Canary does not condone people resorting to violence in the dystopian hellscape that awaits them.)

Featured and in-story images via John Shafthauer / Foreign and Commonwealth Office – Wikimedia / Wikimedia – Rwendland / NeedPix / Wikimedia – Bundesministerium für Europa, Integration und Äußeres / Flickr – FutUndBeitl / Flickr – Gage Skidmore (images were altered)

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