Inside the brain of Boris de Pfeffel Johnson

For a long time, scientists thought that the only creature capable of surviving a nuclear holocaust was the cockroach. They now know that, in such an event, Boris Johnson would be there too – pretending to be an ally of the cockroaches yet simultaneously planning to stab them in the back.

As such, Johnson was subjected to some fairly invasive medical procedures to see what makes him tick. You know – just in case we can use that info to make a race of apocalypse-proof robots capable of surviving the upcoming Trumplear winter.

It’s life, Jim, but not as we know it 

The most interesting thing discovered was the unusual partitioning of Johnson’s brain. Normal people’s brains are divided into stuff like memory and motor abilities. Johnson’s brain, however, is set up to deal with the following areas:

• TREACHERY: By far the largest part of Johnson’s brain, the treachery hemisphere allows the slippery politician to be constantly considering how he might betray all those around him. ‘All those’ including basically everyone – which is why Johnson has never made a ‘promise’ to the British public he wasn’t happy to go back on.
• JIBBER-JABBER: To mask his middling charisma, Johnson is able to create new words at will to distract people from his hollow rhetoric. Empty words with no real meaning like ‘mugwump’ or ‘take back control’.
• THE OLD ULTRA-VIOLENCE: Laying just below the surface of Johnson’s flatulent exterior is the ever-present threat of the old ultra-violence. Which is why Johnson once allegedly tried to have a journalist beaten up. It’s also why he’s so chill about trading arms to Saudi Arabia and being in the same party as Iain Duncan Smith.
• COLONIAL GRADE RACISM: Johnson comes from a long line of ghastly people. The sort of people who you can’t play Monopoly with because they just help themselves to the hotels they think they’re owed by birthright. As such, it’s no surprise that he’s genetically pre-disposed to the sort of racism that really should have died out with polio.
• SELF-DELUSION: If you’re wondering how Johnson still thinks he should be PM despite having no positive personality traits whatsoever, it’s because of his self-delusion gland. A gland that floods his system with more unwarranted confidence than ten teenage reality TV stars.

Science

Although the scientists involved no longer think that cloning Johnson would be useful, they have concluded one thing. And that is that Boris Johnson is a truly terrible example of a human being.

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