Nasty piece of work sad she won’t get paid to ruin lives anymore

Our useless prime minister has now retired in a fit of disgrace and failure. In her speech, May didn’t have any tears for the people she’d harmed; but she did have tears for herself. And wouldn’t you? You know – if you loved ruining people’s lives, and you’d spent your career getting paid to do it?

In a bit

Speaking outside 10 Downing Street, May said:

Let me be clear – I hate every single one of you fuckers. You’re laughing, but I’m not joking. Just look at my record. My only regret is I didn’t drive more of you into the grave before I fucked it all up.

The resigning PM began crying at this point, but stubbornly carried on:

It’s just so unfair. Do you know how much I love hating you? Obviously you don’t, because you don’t have thoughts or feelings – you’re all just massive rats in sports hoodies. That’s partially why I hate you so much.

Appealing / appalling

Getting a hold of herself, May finished with a plea:

Surely there’s a role for me in the private sector? Maybe Virgin Rail needs a new director of passenger misery, or Sports Direct requires a head of employee whipping? Please – if someone doesn’t employ me, I’ll be forced to spread misery pro bono, and there’s very little money in that!

May then left to a chorus of establishment figures saying things like: