REVEALED! Farage’s plan to use second referendum as cover for a jewel heist.

Wilson Belshaw

2016 was a bumper year for Nigel Farage – the year when all of his dreams came true. The period since then has been less good, however. As although he clearly won the Brexit referendum, the vast majority of people still think he’s an arse. And that’s even before the worst of the Brexit shit has hit the fan.

As such, Farage made plans for retirement – namely a jewel heist; a caper which would have been carried out against the backdrop of a second Brexit referendum.

Farage’s Seven

Farage isn’t the only reprehensible person whose career has nose-dived since the highs of 2016. As such, Farage was attempting to put together an Ocean’s Eleven­-type scenario with:

  • Steve Bannon.
  • Milo Yiannopoulos.
  • Toby Young.
  • Katie Hopkins.
  • That woman who was caught throwing a cat in a bin.
  • Uncle Bulgaria.

Farage’s Seven weren’t quite as glamorous as the Ocean’s Eleven cast obviously – looking less like Hollywood movie stars and more like the sort of delinquents you’d find hanging around at a bus station. And yet that didn’t stop them from winning the Brexit referendum.

Crashing down

It was a plan that could have worked, but unfortunately it wasn’t to be. The problem was Steve Bannon. And much like he ruined his own career by just telling a journalist everything he was up to, he scuppered the heist plans by just telling a journalist everything he was up to.

He told the reporter Scoopy McNewsface:

We’re gonna steal lots of jewels. I’m an evil genius. They’ll never see it coming. Stupid liberals.

Curtains

Although this looks like it could be the end for Farage, it almost certainly won’t be. There’s no good reason for that – the man just seems to be politically-indestructible. Like a toad made out of diamond.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via Wikimedia

We need your help ...

The coronavirus pandemic is changing our world, fast. And we will do all we can to keep bringing you news and analysis throughout. But we are worried about maintaining enough income to pay our staff and minimal overheads.

Now, more than ever, we need a vibrant, independent media that holds the government to account and calls it out when it puts vested economic interests above human lives. We need a media that shows solidarity with the people most affected by the crisis – and one that can help to build a world based on collaboration and compassion.

We have been fighting against an establishment that is trying to shut us down. And like most independent media, we don’t have the deep pockets of investors to call on to bail us out.

Can you help by chipping in a few pounds each month?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed

Wilson Belshaw