REVEALED! Farage’s plan to use second referendum as cover for a jewel heist.

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2016 was a bumper year for Nigel Farage – the year when all of his dreams came true. The period since then has been less good, however. As although he clearly won the Brexit referendum, the vast majority of people still think he’s an arse. And that’s even before the worst of the Brexit shit has hit the fan.

As such, Farage made plans for retirement – namely a jewel heist; a caper which would have been carried out against the backdrop of a second Brexit referendum.

Farage’s Seven

Farage isn’t the only reprehensible person whose career has nose-dived since the highs of 2016. As such, Farage was attempting to put together an Ocean’s Eleven­-type scenario with:

  • Steve Bannon.
  • Milo Yiannopoulos.
  • Toby Young.
  • Katie Hopkins.
  • That woman who was caught throwing a cat in a bin.
  • Uncle Bulgaria.

Farage’s Seven weren’t quite as glamorous as the Ocean’s Eleven cast obviously – looking less like Hollywood movie stars and more like the sort of delinquents you’d find hanging around at a bus station. And yet that didn’t stop them from winning the Brexit referendum.

Crashing down

It was a plan that could have worked, but unfortunately it wasn’t to be. The problem was Steve Bannon. And much like he ruined his own career by just telling a journalist everything he was up to, he scuppered the heist plans by just telling a journalist everything he was up to.

He told the reporter Scoopy McNewsface:

We’re gonna steal lots of jewels. I’m an evil genius. They’ll never see it coming. Stupid liberals.

Read on...

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Curtains

Although this looks like it could be the end for Farage, it almost certainly won’t be. There’s no good reason for that – the man just seems to be politically-indestructible. Like a toad made out of diamond.

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– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via Wikimedia

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