Saboteur-crushing Tory urges the country to ‘come back together’

Theresa May in 2017 saying "I will crush you." Theresa May in 2018 saying "please don't crush me."
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Theresa ‘crush the saboteurs’ May has urged the country to come back together. Which would be somewhat ironic, if Tories weren’t so routinely hypocritical.

Ploy division

May is famous for a number of things – none of which brought people closer together. These things include:

  • Having vans drive around London telling foreign people to fuck off back to where they came from.
  • Appointing Boris Johnson to improve our standing in the world.
  • Supporting the austerity programme that led to many people being either significantly poorer or dead.

Timeline of terror

You can summarise May’s career trajectory as follows:

  1. Crush the saboteurs!
  2. Strong and stable!
  3. Oh dear.
  4. I’m just very, very sorry.
  5. Please stop noticing how terrible I am.

Unity – or else

Falling back on old habits, Theresa May has commissioned a fleet of ‘unity vans’ to drive around London instructing people to:

Come together – or else!

The government has also authorised the drivers of these vans to launch Union Jacks at anyone who doesn’t look visibly ecstatic about Brexit.

A journalist asked why no attempt was being made to reach citizens beyond London. In response, a spokesperson from 10 Downing Street repeated the government’s official position on the broader UK:

Read on...

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Fuck ‘em.

Belief

The Tories seem to think that, if people just believe in them hard enough, then everything will magically just happen.

That sort of fantastical thinking never brought Father Christmas to life, though, and it’s certainly not going to give life to their discredited and callous right-wing agenda.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via Wikipedia – Annika Haas (image was altered) / Flickr – UK Home Office (image was altered)

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