Cadbury reassures UKIP that supposed ‘Satan egg’ was just upside down

Angry man and an upside down Easter egg with an upside down crucifix on it
Wilson Belshaw

For the past few years, some people have worried that the word ‘Easter’ has been banned from Easter eggs. The problem is that:

  1. It hasn’t.
  2. The use of the word ‘Easter’ was never universal in the first place.
  3. Bourgeois cocoa ovoids have sweet fuck all to do with Christianity anyway. Jesus wasn’t resurrected from a massive chocolate egg. He reanimated himself with magic like a normal person.

Hot and cross

This year, to avoid the head-bangingly aggravating chorus of complaints, Cadbury launched its new line. It’s called:

OF COURSE THEY’RE FUCKING EASTER EGGS! DO WE REALLY HAVE TO WRITE THE WORD ‘EASTER’ ON EVERY ONE OF THEM? WOULD YOU NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT A CAR WAS IF IT DIDN’T HAVE THE WORD ‘CAR’ WRITTEN ON IT? BUT FUCK IT – HERE YOU GO – HERE’S ALL THE EASTER YOU CAN HANDLE.

It’s a range which is heavy in its use of:

  • The word ‘Easter’.
  • Heavy-handed Christian iconography.
  • Little crucified bunnies with nails through their paws.

Outrageous!

Although this satisfied the sort of people who think that God is cool with you being an arsehole as long as you eat moulded chocolate once a year, there has been an issue. A shop put some eggs on display upside down, making it look like the crosses on them were somewhat satanic.

The interim leader of UKIP, one Arthur Braincell, tweeted:

Sad to see a English firm siding with satan and the paedos at the BBC! [SIC]

To which Cadbury replied:

FUCK OFF! JUST FUCK OFF! IT’S CHEAP CHOCOLATE IN THE SHAPE OF AN EGG THAT WE USE TO GOUGE MONEY FROM PEOPLE AROUND A HOLIDAY OF FORMER SIGNIFICANCE! IF YOU’RE GOING TO BE ANNOYED ABOUT ANYTHING, BE ANNOYED THAT WE USE JESUS’ DEATH AS A MARKETING GIMMICK! BECAUSE THE ONLY THING HE HATED MORE THAN GREED WAS CUNTS LIKE YOU!!!!

Cadbury later deleted the tweet and said instead:

It was upside down, sorry.

They later tweeted:

Jesus Christ.

It’s unclear if this was a shout-out to your boy JC or exasperation.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

Featured image via ΙΣΧΣΝΙΚΑ-888 – Wikimedia / Nathan Cowley – Pexels

We need your help ...

The coronavirus pandemic is changing our world, fast. And we will do all we can to keep bringing you news and analysis throughout. But we are worried about maintaining enough income to pay our staff and minimal overheads.

Now, more than ever, we need a vibrant, independent media that holds the government to account and calls it out when it puts vested economic interests above human lives. We need a media that shows solidarity with the people most affected by the crisis – and one that can help to build a world based on collaboration and compassion.

We have been fighting against an establishment that is trying to shut us down. And like most independent media, we don’t have the deep pockets of investors to call on to bail us out.

Can you help by chipping in a few pounds each month?

The Canary Support us

Comments are closed

Wilson Belshaw