For the past few years, some people have worried that the word ‘Easter’ has been banned from Easter eggs. The problem is that:
- It hasn’t.
- The use of the word ‘Easter’ was never universal in the first place.
- Bourgeois cocoa ovoids have sweet fuck all to do with Christianity anyway. Jesus wasn’t resurrected from a massive chocolate egg. He reanimated himself with magic like a normal person.
Hot and cross
This year, to avoid the head-bangingly aggravating chorus of complaints, Cadbury launched its new line. It’s called:
OF COURSE THEY’RE FUCKING EASTER EGGS! DO WE REALLY HAVE TO WRITE THE WORD ‘EASTER’ ON EVERY ONE OF THEM? WOULD YOU NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT A CAR WAS IF IT DIDN’T HAVE THE WORD ‘CAR’ WRITTEN ON IT? BUT FUCK IT – HERE YOU GO – HERE’S ALL THE EASTER YOU CAN HANDLE.
It’s a range which is heavy in its use of:
- The word ‘Easter’.
- Heavy-handed Christian iconography.
- Little crucified bunnies with nails through their paws.
— Easter®Watch (@EasterWatch) February 27, 2018
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Although this satisfied the sort of people who think that God is cool with you being an arsehole as long as you eat moulded chocolate once a year, there has been an issue. A shop put some eggs on display upside down, making it look like the crosses on them were somewhat satanic.
The interim leader of UKIP, one Arthur Braincell, tweeted:
Sad to see a English firm siding with satan and the paedos at the BBC! [SIC]
To which Cadbury replied:
FUCK OFF! JUST FUCK OFF! IT’S CHEAP CHOCOLATE IN THE SHAPE OF AN EGG THAT WE USE TO GOUGE MONEY FROM PEOPLE AROUND A HOLIDAY OF FORMER SIGNIFICANCE! IF YOU’RE GOING TO BE ANNOYED ABOUT ANYTHING, BE ANNOYED THAT WE USE JESUS’ DEATH AS A MARKETING GIMMICK! BECAUSE THE ONLY THING HE HATED MORE THAN GREED WAS CUNTS LIKE YOU!!!!
Cadbury later deleted the tweet and said instead:
It was upside down, sorry.
They later tweeted:
It’s unclear if this was a shout-out to your boy JC or exasperation.
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