BREAKING: New study reveals Boris Johnson is ‘literally a bag of gas’
A new study has revealed that British foreign secretary Boris Johnson is “literally a bag of gas”.
Independent research group Studies”R”Us conducted the study. On why they chose to focus on the foreign secretary, head of investigations Robert Peterson said:
We decided to investigate Boris because of the sheer level of utter bollocks that he’s spoken over the years. It raised the alarm.
Peterson then revealed the group’s discovery:
We found that, if you zoom in when he speaks, you can actually see the exact moment he thinks of a normal word but then decides to change it for another that absolutely no one has ever heard. Combine this with his continued inability to refrain from making things up and actually saying them in public, and repeated instances of chauvinism, bigotry, racism, and classism and the results were frankly irrefutable: Boris Johnson is actually made entirely of gas.
Studies”R”Us is, of course, well known for similar work in the past.
Among its list of notable studies, it revealed that:
- Former Conservative leader Michael Howard was actually a long-tailed vampire bat the whole time.
- William Hague is made entirely of fudge.
- Tony Blair is in fact Skeletor from He-man.
Proceed with caution
Following on from the shocking but not entirely surprising revelation on Boris Johnson, Peterson continued:
We aren’t quite sure yet what type of gas Boris is made from, but we have an idea that it’s probably highly volatile. We warn anyone who happens to find themselves within a 200-metre radius of him not to light any flame or conduct any scientific experiments. He may be inflammable and, if so, such a reaction could level the entire City of Westminster.
Responding to Off The Perch’s request for comment, the foreign secretary said:
This is nothing more than a voluminous expanse of hot air. The hoi polloi will be cognisant of this attempt at contumelious character assassination. Excuse me, but now I must go and discuss more humanitarian bomb-dropping with my right honourable friends.
Featured image via screenshot / Eric BC Lim
We know everyone is suffering under the Tories - but the Canary is a vital weapon in our fight back, and we need your support
The Canary Workers’ Co-op knows life is hard. The Tories are waging a class war against us we’re all having to fight. But like trade unions and community organising, truly independent working-class media is a vital weapon in our armoury.
The Canary doesn’t have the budget of the corporate media. In fact, our income is over 1,000 times less than the Guardian’s. What we do have is a radical agenda that disrupts power and amplifies marginalised communities. But we can only do this with our readers’ support.
So please, help us continue to spread messages of resistance and hope. Even the smallest donation would mean the world to us.