Most people aren’t bothered about Harry and Meghan’s wedding. The royals possess more wealth, entitlement, and castles than the rest of us combined. As such, every day is a special occasion for them. And they don’t need super special occasions to remind us how good they already have it.
And yet, as details of the wedding become increasingly tedious, they also become harder to ignore. Which is why nobody can get away from the fucking thing.
Despite the fact that actual news is ongoing, the British media has dedicated itself to regurgitating every minuscule detail the royal spectacle throws up. A selection of this weeks headlines include:
PRINCE HARRY TO WEAR SOCKS ON BIG DAY
MEGHAN MARKLE STARES IN DIRECTION
WEDDING ATTENDEES READY TO BE IN ATTENDANCE
THERE IS A WEDDING
HERE’S THREE PAGES OF US ENCOURAGING AND ENABLING PAUL BURRELL AND HIS DEEPLY UNHEALTHY ATTACHMENT TO THE ROYAL FAMILY
MEGHAN’S FATHER HAS ENTERED A SUPER-STATE OF SIMULTANEOUSLY ATTENDING AND NOT ATTENDING THE WEDDING – PROVING ERWIN SCHRÖDINGER’S THEORY RIGHT
GOVERNMENT GIFTS ROYAL COUPLE WITH A COMMEMORATIVE STATUE FORGED FROM THE MELTED DREAMS OF A MILLION FUCKED OVER CHILDREN
WEDDING!!!!!! WEDDING!!!!!! WEDDING!!!!!!
In the coming days, 24-hour coverage won’t be enough. There’ll still be stragglers who manage to avoid the news entirely. And that’s why squadrons of crack commando town criers are being dispersed up and down the country.
As such, you won’t be able to take a shit without some bloated pomp-bag jamming his bell through your window and announcing that Prince Harry is getting his nails trimmed.
God fucking save us.
– Join The Canary, so we can keep holding the powerful to account.