Tories to back terrible PM to prevent different, terrible PM
On 12 June, Theresa May is planning on bludgeoning all the Brexit amendments the Lords voted for through parliament. Anti-Brexit rebels were going to stand up to this act of dubious democracy, but now they’re worried it could help Boris Johnson become leader.
In other words, they’re worried they’ll be out of the frying pan and into the other frying pan.
Two cheeks
The problem with the Tory party is that everyone in it is, at the very least, quite terrible. As such, the person leading it will almost always be relentlessly dreadful.
To decide who’d make the best (worst?) leader, Tories have been weighing up their attributes:
WENT TO OXBRIDGE
JOHNSON: Yes.
MAY: Yes.
Read on...
IS HAPPY TO WAVE THROUGH RACIST ACTS OF THE WORST KIND
JOHNSON: Yes.
MAY: Yes.
HAS GLEEFULLY VOTED THROUGH EVERY HORROR-POLICY OF THE PAST EIGHT YEARS
JOHNSON: Yes.
MAY: Yes.
HAS SOME SORT OF BREXIT PLAN
JOHNSON: Yes.
MAY: Yes.
A PLAN THAT’S ACTUALLY FLESHED OUT AND CREDIBLE
JOHNSON: No.
MAY: No.
AND WON’T LEAVE THE COUNTRY QUITE LITERALLY ON FIRE
JOHNSON: No.
MAY: No.
Obviously, the two are neck and neck on most fronts. But what’s swung it for the timid rebels is this:
LIKELY TO REMEMBER WE CALLED HIM A FLUFF-HEADED TWAT-BRAIN IF HE BECOMES PM:
JOHNSON: Yes.
MAY: N/A.
Things can only get worser
To be fair to the non-rebels, Boris Johnson probably would be a worse PM. It’s an unfortunate situation they find themselves in. One they could have avoided by not being Tories in the first place.
Get Involved!
– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.
– Join The Canary, so we can keep holding the powerful to account.
We know everyone is suffering under the Tories - but the Canary is a vital weapon in our fight back, and we need your support
The Canary Workers’ Co-op knows life is hard. The Tories are waging a class war against us we’re all having to fight. But like trade unions and community organising, truly independent working-class media is a vital weapon in our armoury.
The Canary doesn’t have the budget of the corporate media. In fact, our income is over 1,000 times less than the Guardian’s. What we do have is a radical agenda that disrupts power and amplifies marginalised communities. But we can only do this with our readers’ support.
So please, help us continue to spread messages of resistance and hope. Even the smallest donation would mean the world to us.
