Independent Media | Campaigning Journalism
Tories to back terrible PM to prevent different, terrible PM
On 12 June, Theresa May is planning on bludgeoning all the Brexit amendments the Lords voted for through parliament. Anti-Brexit rebels were going to stand up to this act of dubious democracy, but now they’re worried it could help Boris Johnson become leader.
In other words, they’re worried they’ll be out of the frying pan and into the other frying pan.
Two cheeks
The problem with the Tory party is that everyone in it is, at the very least, quite terrible. As such, the person leading it will almost always be relentlessly dreadful.
To decide who’d make the best (worst?) leader, Tories have been weighing up their attributes:
WENT TO OXBRIDGE
JOHNSON: Yes.
MAY: Yes.
IS HAPPY TO WAVE THROUGH RACIST ACTS OF THE WORST KIND
JOHNSON: Yes.
MAY: Yes.
HAS GLEEFULLY VOTED THROUGH EVERY HORROR-POLICY OF THE PAST EIGHT YEARS
JOHNSON: Yes.
MAY: Yes.
HAS SOME SORT OF BREXIT PLAN
JOHNSON: Yes.
MAY: Yes.
A PLAN THAT’S ACTUALLY FLESHED OUT AND CREDIBLE
JOHNSON: No.
MAY: No.
AND WON’T LEAVE THE COUNTRY QUITE LITERALLY ON FIRE
JOHNSON: No.
MAY: No.
Obviously, the two are neck and neck on most fronts. But what’s swung it for the timid rebels is this:
LIKELY TO REMEMBER WE CALLED HIM A FLUFF-HEADED TWAT-BRAIN IF HE BECOMES PM:
JOHNSON: Yes.
MAY: N/A.
Things can only get worser
To be fair to the non-rebels, Boris Johnson probably would be a worse PM. It’s an unfortunate situation they find themselves in. One they could have avoided by not being Tories in the first place.
Get Involved!
– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.
– Join The Canary, so we can keep holding the powerful to account.
We need your help ...
The coronavirus pandemic is changing our world, fast. And we will do all we can to keep bringing you news and analysis throughout. But we are worried about maintaining enough income to pay our staff and minimal overheads.
Now, more than ever, we need a vibrant, independent media that holds the government to account and calls it out when it puts vested economic interests above human lives. We need a media that shows solidarity with the people most affected by the crisis – and one that can help to build a world based on collaboration and compassion.
We have been fighting against an establishment that is trying to shut us down. And like most independent media, we don’t have the deep pockets of investors to call on to bail us out.
Can you help by chipping in a few pounds each month?
Support us