Centrists plan to overthrow Corbyn by miraculously becoming popular
Despite their previous coups all failing, the Labour centrists are allegedly planning to topple Corbyn again. There’s just one problem: nobody fucking wants them.
Oh, and several other problems, too – all of which we’ll get into now.
Things can only get better
To be fair, the Labour ‘moderates’ do have several things going for them:
- Millionaire backers.
- Nice suits.
- Unlimited media exposure.
- Expensive haircuts.
- A complete lack of shame.
None of this makes up for the following:
- They don’t have any ideas beyond “whatever Corbyn is, that’s what we’re not”.
- They’re really bad at coups.
- No one wants to vote for their platform, because there’s no platform to vote for.
Their position is actually worse now than when they launched the disastrous Chicken Coup. Back then, they controlled the party’s internal structures at least. Now, the only thing they have any say over is whose turn it is to go on the Andrew Marr Show.
Fresh new ideas
Admittedly, the plotters do have a few new ideas. Or one new idea, anyway. Said idea being:
- Come up with a set of policies so radically un-radical it makes everyone magically fall in love with centrism.
So far, the only new policies they’ve concocted are:
Read on...
Support us and go ad-free- A gluten-free minimum wage.
- A new bank holiday called ‘Tony Blair Day’.
- Some sort of expensive military quagmire in the Middle East.
As such, expect to see Nu New Labour in power some time between now and never.
Get Involved!
– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.
– Join The Canary, so we can keep holding the powerful to account.
Featured image via Rwendland – Wikimedia [IMAGE WAS ALTERED]
Support us and go ad-freeWe know everyone is suffering under the Tories - but the Canary is a vital weapon in our fight back, and we need your support
The Canary Workers’ Co-op knows life is hard. The Tories are waging a class war against us we’re all having to fight. But like trade unions and community organising, truly independent working-class media is a vital weapon in our armoury.
The Canary doesn’t have the budget of the corporate media. In fact, our income is over 1,000 times less than the Guardian’s. What we do have is a radical agenda that disrupts power and amplifies marginalised communities. But we can only do this with our readers’ support.
So please, help us continue to spread messages of resistance and hope. Even the smallest donation would mean the world to us.
