Centrists plan to overthrow Corbyn by miraculously becoming popular

Jeremy Corbyn laughing with Tom Watson behind him
John Shafthauer

Despite their previous coups all failing, the Labour centrists are allegedly planning to topple Corbyn again. There’s just one problem: nobody fucking wants them.

Oh, and several other problems, too – all of which we’ll get into now.

Things can only get better

To be fair, the Labour ‘moderates’ do have several things going for them:

Start your day with The Canary News Digest

Fresh and fearless; get excellent independent journalism from The Canary, delivered straight to your inbox every morning.
  • Millionaire backers.
  • Nice suits.
  • Unlimited media exposure.
  • Expensive haircuts.
  • A complete lack of shame.

None of this makes up for the following:

  • They don’t have any ideas beyond “whatever Corbyn is, that’s what we’re not”.
  • They’re really bad at coups.
  • No one wants to vote for their platform, because there’s no platform to vote for.

Their position is actually worse now than when they launched the disastrous Chicken Coup. Back then, they controlled the party’s internal structures at least. Now, the only thing they have any say over is whose turn it is to go on the Andrew Marr Show.

Fresh new ideas

Admittedly, the plotters do have a few new ideas. Or one new idea, anyway. Said idea being:

  • Come up with a set of policies so radically un-radical it makes everyone magically fall in love with centrism.

So far, the only new policies they’ve concocted are:

  • A gluten-free minimum wage.
  • A new bank holiday called ‘Tony Blair Day’.
  • Some sort of expensive military quagmire in the Middle East.

As such, expect to see Nu New Labour in power some time between now and never.

Get Involved!

– For more satirical news, you can also follow Off The Perch on Facebook and Twitter.

– Join The Canary, so we can keep holding the powerful to account.

Featured image via Rwendland – Wikimedia [IMAGE WAS ALTERED]

Since you're here ...

We know you don't need a lecture. You wouldn't be here if you didn't care.
Now, more than ever, we need your help to challenge the rightwing press and hold power to account. Please help us survive and thrive.

The Canary Support

Comments are closed

John Shafthauer