TIG spokesperson breaks record for speaking without saying anything

Images of Chuka Umunna making bland statements
Wilson Belshaw

The Independent Group (TIG) has made Chuka Umunna its spokesperson. This makes sense. He is a person, after all, and he certainly speaks – but does he actually say anything?

According to the Guinness World Records people, the answer is an impressive ‘no’.

Empty words

When announcing his promotion to spokesperson, Umunna said:

It’s all about synergy, yeah? We want to do away with the old ideology of having policies and ideas. Instead, we want to usher in a politics-style results mainframe that responds dynamically to the world without any need to engage vote-providers. Basically, we want to do for governance what Nando’s has done for feeding people.

When asked if this meant creating a bland experience catering primarily to the middle classes while generating poverty wages for the people making it work, Umunna answered:

It’s all about synergy, yeah?

He then carried on talking for a record-breaking 72 hours – producing a stream of words with less content than Tony Blair’s Iraq apology.

Partystarter

Everyone has heard of crowdfunders that promise a lot but deliver nothing. The difference between those scams and TIG is that dodgy crowdfunders at least promise something. TIG is vaguely talking about a new form of politics it can’t explain and hasn’t even figured out yet.

This makes Chuka Umunna – the man with many words but no ideas – exactly the person to speak on its behalf.

Featured image via YouTube

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Wilson Belshaw