Leadership runners-up clash over who gets to lose least

Image from the Tory leadership debate. Sajid Javid says: "Tory members want a serious, grownup leader." Someone in the audience says: "No, we want Boris."

Although the race to become Tory leader/PM is officially running right now, it really isn’t. It actually began when Theresa May became PM, and it ended when she resigned. The winner – unfortunately – is Boris Johnson. And whether they know it or not, his rivals are competing for distant second place.

Electioneering

Our next prime minister will be chosen by Tory Party members.

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Johnson won the leadership by displaying all the characteristics that appeal to Tories, namely:

  • Being prone to racist ‘gaffes’.
  • Being prone to racist racism.
  • Making alternatively vague, undeliverable, and dreadful Brexit proposals.
  • Arsing up everything he touches.
  • ‘Talking tough’ with foreign countries (unless they’re the US, in which case he turns into a lap-poodle).
  • Tax cuts for the rich.
  • Misery for everyone else.

To catch up to Johnson, his rivals would have needed to read out a Jim Davidson edited version of Enoch Powell’s ‘Rivers of Blood’ speech while burning £50 notes in front of a homeless economics expert. Instead, the fools talked about how they’d ‘fix’ the country – a problematic move because:

  • They’re the idiots who broke it.
  • The people voting think Britain isn’t broken enough.
Least lost

To be fair, Jeremy Hunt has wised up to the grim dystopian vision that Tory members want. That’s why he’s vowing to euthanise people’s nans.

Featured image via YouTube – Guardian News

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