Tories vow to eliminate climate change protesters by 2050

Hands reaching out over a desert
John Shafthauer

Unless we do something, manmade climate change could render the planet uninhabitable. We know this because of the scientists and activists who’ve spoken out. As a result, the Tories have decided to do something about the problem. Namely, they’ve decided to strangle anyone who speaks out.

Taking a firm grip

The new minister for state violence said in a statement:

We’ve been doing a lot of work to make it look like we’re doing a lot of work on climate collapse. Surprisingly, we never thought about just throttling the people speaking out. It solves everything in the sense that it keeps the plebs quiet while allowing us to commit hideous acts of violence.

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Climate scientists pointed out that keeping people quiet won’t do anything to stop climate collapse. The minister argued:

What do we care – we’ll be dead by then anyway. You’ll be dead much sooner if you don’t keep your mouth shut.

The minister then held his hands up and began choking people.

What a choke

The police were contacted about this latest incident, and they later released a statement. It read:

Although images of a minister strangling people to death look harrowing, it’s worth remembering that these protestors threatened the good gentleman with the total collapse of the planet. Obviously, citizens should have the right to defend themselves in light of such excessive peril.

As terrifyingly authoritarian as this all sounds, at least we won’t have to think about climate change anymore. Until the climate significantly changes, obviously, and it’s too late to do anything about it.

Featured image via Max Pixel / Pixabay

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