Tories vow to eliminate climate change protesters by 2050

Hands reaching out over a desert
Wilson Belshaw

Unless we do something, manmade climate change could render the planet uninhabitable. We know this because of the scientists and activists who’ve spoken out. As a result, the Tories have decided to do something about the problem. Namely, they’ve decided to strangle anyone who speaks out.

Taking a firm grip

The new minister for state violence said in a statement:

We’ve been doing a lot of work to make it look like we’re doing a lot of work on climate collapse. Surprisingly, we never thought about just throttling the people speaking out. It solves everything in the sense that it keeps the plebs quiet while allowing us to commit hideous acts of violence.

Climate scientists pointed out that keeping people quiet won’t do anything to stop climate collapse. The minister argued:

What do we care – we’ll be dead by then anyway. You’ll be dead much sooner if you don’t keep your mouth shut.

The minister then held his hands up and began choking people.

What a choke

The police were contacted about this latest incident, and they later released a statement. It read:

Although images of a minister strangling people to death look harrowing, it’s worth remembering that these protestors threatened the good gentleman with the total collapse of the planet. Obviously, citizens should have the right to defend themselves in light of such excessive peril.

As terrifyingly authoritarian as this all sounds, at least we won’t have to think about climate change anymore. Until the climate significantly changes, obviously, and it’s too late to do anything about it.

Featured image via Max Pixel / Pixabay

Get involved

We need your help ...

The coronavirus pandemic is changing our world, fast. And we will do all we can to keep bringing you news and analysis throughout. But we are worried about maintaining enough income to pay our staff and minimal overheads.

Now, more than ever, we need a vibrant, independent media that holds the government to account and calls it out when it puts vested economic interests above human lives. We need a media that shows solidarity with the people most affected by the crisis – and one that can help to build a world based on collaboration and compassion.

We have been fighting against an establishment that is trying to shut us down. And like most independent media, we don’t have the deep pockets of investors to call on to bail us out.

Can you help by chipping in a few pounds each month?

The Canary Support us
Wilson Belshaw