The Conservative government of Great Britain has issued a pamphlet aimed at helping its supporters to form and defend opinions that they fundamentally just don’t understand.
To find out more, we spoke to Arnold Slumbaron MP – the recently appointed Secretary of Scattershot Bullshit and Bad Advice:
There’s a great tradition of British people having opinions, and we would love for it to continue. Unfortunately though, people are being hampered from forming the right sort of opinions by a niggling feeling that they should actually understand the things they allegedly believe in.
What we’re advising today is that you simply don’t need to look into a subject that you claim to be an expert on. You just don’t. You can just believe what we tell you to. It’s quicker. Just believe what we tell you. It’s quicker. Just believe what we tell you. It’s quicker.
By the end of this speech, Mr. Slumbaron had produced a black and white spiral on a stick and was twizzling it around – presumably with the intention of hypnotising our reporter. Thankfully, however, our roaming staffer was drunk, and therefore unable to process the governmental mind voodoo being spun at him.
Although the live-action coercion was ineffective, we have since been given a copy of the pamphlet-ised version, and can exclusively reveal its contents to you now:
SECTION 1 – GENERAL ADVICE
- Don’t ask any questions. This is the most important advice that we have for you. Unsure why? Please refer back to guideline #1.
SECTION 2 – HOW TO FORM YOUR OPINIONS
- Wait patiently for one of our MPs to inform you what you think. We are the oily, goblin-esque looking ones on the television.
- Newspapers like The Sun and The Daily Mail are also a good place for opinions. These newspapers are owned by millionaires, and the fact that these men have managed to earn so much money is proof that this rich and wonderful land we live in is working. These millionaires would like to help you to become rich too – only they can’t – because of all the scroungers and immigrants who have made everything so terrible. You may be confused about how everything can be so wonderful when scroungers have made it so terrible. If so, please refer back to guideline #1.
- Other newspapers, like The Mirror and The Independent, are a BAD source of opinions. These papers are also owned by millionaires, but these moguls are DEBAUCHED, and want to give all your money away to paedophiles and Russell Brand. Unless of course they run a story that agrees with The Sun or The Daily Mail – which they frequently will, in which case they are well-respected news sources which deserve respect for telling it how it is.
- Websites like The Canary, Scisco, and Novara are all run by ethnic, pansexual antisemites, and should be avoided like chilli-and-nettle genital wax.
SECTION 3 – HOW TO DEFEND YOUR OPINIONS
- Once you have a rough grasp of what your opinion is, just state it. If someone criticises your opinion, please do not read or listen to their lies, just re-state your opinion with the preface, “yeah, but”.
- In a debate, ignore what your opponent claims to think about an issue, and argue as if they were saying exactly what we told you they would. For example, if some lefty-beardo is talking about immigration, respond by saying something like “well personally, I’m against minorities coming over here and grooming all of our jobs.” If they attempt to clarify/lie about their position, just repeat what you said the first time, and preface it with “yeah, but”. Be aware that they may try to throw you off by calling immigrants, queers, women, and cripples ‘people’ – as if they actually were! This is called POLITICAL CORRECTNESS, and its sole purpose is to prevent hardworking comedians like Jim Davidson and Katie Hopkins unleashing their top bants.
- If you’ve ever been in the armed forces (or even just had a grandparent who fought in the World War 2), be sure to use your/their service as a means of proving your point. The British Armed Forces have often been on the side of the good guys on a few occasions, and you can use this fact to win pretty much any argument. If you are online and some craven keyboard-warrior carries on arguing with you beyond that, ask them where they live and offer to fight them. They’re unlikely to be as highly trained in killing as you are, and as such they will decline your invitation immediately – thus losing them the argument. Some of the things that you’re defending will sound suspiciously like the things you were theoretically once fighting against. But don’t worry. Because they’re not. They just sound like they are. If unsure, please refer back to guideline #1.
- If you are a hardworking type who’s just trying to get by, don’t let these rascals fool you into thinking they’re on your side. They say they want workers to earn more, but really their aim is to siphon all of our wealth to dole-scum – namely so the scroungers can buy more widescreen TVs and thus earn the BBC paedos more licence fee.
- If you support us despite working in education, transport, the Royal Mail, the NHS, or any other sort of public service targeted for privatisation, then well done! You must already be ignoring these so called ‘facts’ and ‘realities of your daily life’ at an expert level.
- You may not really understand economics, but you do understand your own personal finances, right? Sort of? A bit? Well anyway, the global economy works exactly like individual finances – exactly – and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. And if bankers are such bad people, how come hardworking people like Sir Phillip Green are always seen laughing all the way to the bank?
- Some of the people that you’ll be arguing with are middle class or better, and we call these people ‘champagne socialists’. This is because they want to take all of the champagne and give it to the oiks and the chavs which, as you can appreciate, is simply not cricket. Primarily because Premiership football players need that champagne to toast their latest Ferrari or tabloid-scandal suppression.
- Other people that you’ll be debating with will be working class. These people are just envious of the rich because they don’t have our drive or work ethic. They may also be Scottish. And potentially, if they live in the fracking-belt, somewhat on fire.
- Some of your rivals may be religious. If they’re some sort of Muslim, they are obviously an insane car bomber, and you should let them know that. If they’re a Christian who feels entitled to preach that greed is somehow bad, you should promptly instruct them to mind their own business, because God has no place in a decent, modern society. Unless their opinions align with ours of course, in which case their morals are the ones which underpin this green and valiant nation and always have been.
- It’s important to realise that things which sound good are actually always bad. For instance, ‘human rights’ is all about helping foreign serial killers get away with flaying war veterans and turning their skin into mankinis. A ‘free NHS’ is all about enabling obese alcoholics to chain-abuse healthy livers from tragic teens who died in A&E while medical professionals were busy removing ketchup bottles from some perverted university lecturer’s arsehole. ‘Renewable energy’ is all about crusty, balding men with dreadlocks erecting phallus-like wind turbines in our national parks and then taking drugs at the bottom of them while praying to their confusing pantheon of dirty, pagan gods. You get the picture? If not, guideline #1.
- If in doubt, USE ALL CAPS.
- Rest assured that simply restating the same opinion will always win out, because any sane person will grow tired of you heroically refusing to answer any further questions. Once someone stops arguing with you, make a big deal about it, and triumphantly point out to your friends what a coward that person is.
There are some who say this pamphlet will create a generation of online super-debaters who can win any debate through sheer force of not really understanding what they’re arguing about.
There are others who think that these super-debaters are already here among us.
Whoever’s right, stay safe out there, Tweeters.
And good luck!
Featured image via Flickr