MI5 is recruiting vets to halt the spread of communist cats and terrorist guinea pigs

Rupert Murdoch has asked his best chums at MI5 to recruit vets as a “matter of urgency” and in the “interests of national security”. As his impartial tabloid The Times reported [paywall], suspicious cats and guinea pigs are at large in the UK:

Murdoch insists these beasts can provide evidence that will explain why Jeremy Corbyn is to blame for the Salisbury poisoning.

Piddle

Robert Brown, a vet from Lower Piddle in Dorset, spoke exclusively to Off The Perch. He said:

It’s well known by vets that cats are communists. I mean, you’ve only got to look at the way they behave. And guinea pigs were spotted at nearly every recent terrorist attack in the UK. Obviously, this isn’t common knowledge. But I think it’s fair to say that the cat is well and truly out of the bag now. Excuse the pun.

Brown added:

That’s why, on our incomes, most vets have dogs as pets.

Pause

Off The Perch contacted Corbyn, a well-known cat lover, for comment. He was not available, but a spokesperson said on his behalf:

Jeremy would like you to know that he thinks the current escalation of events needs pause for thought. He will comment further soon.

Recruitment

Murdoch promised MI5 that he’ll run a free recruitment campaign in his papers to ensure they find the best vets in the country. Off The Perch has seen a preview of copy that will appear in papers from 6 April. Questions include:

• Do you like vodka?
• Have you ever taken a cat-nap at work?
• Can you imitate a guinea pig squeak?
• List three more things that Jeremy Corbyn is responsible for.
• Have you ever voted for a winner on Britain’s Got Talent?

With this rigorous approach, Murdoch said he will “cleanse the country of communist cats”. And Jeremy Corbyn.

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Featured image via Pixabay (adapted)